The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Have been spending my day reading posts from everyone. I have come across some that shed some light and others that cause me confusion. First some background:
My "A" is a coke addict & alcoholic. We've been for 13 years (since I was 18) and we have a 12 year old son & 3 year old daughter. I recognized & admitted to myself that my husband had a drinking problem back in the summer (at Disney World of all places). I didn't know about the coke until Nov when he confessed it to me & told me he needed my help to stop.
I have stuck by my husband for all these years telling myself he would eventually grow up and stop partying. He hasn't-only gotten worse. Now I am realizing that he may never stop. He admits that he likes the affects from the drugs & alcohol. He tells me he wants to stop, not because he thinks there is anything wrong with it, but because he doesn't want to lose me & the kids. My reaction as of late is Blah Blah Blah - same story, different day.
Now I have been reading this site all day and I am so confused by what I am reading. So many people talk about detachment - separating the "disease" from the person and loving that person for who they are, not what they do or don't do. Love them, support them and do what you need to do to make yourself happy.
This is where my confusion comes in. Maybe it is because I am new at this. Maybe it is because my "A" isn't just an alcoholic but a drug addict too. Maybe it is because my "A" has gotten us into a river of debt I am drowning in just to pay for his habit. Maybe it is because he lies to me and disappears for days at a time. Maybe it is because the hard working, dependable man I once knew is having trouble holding down a job. (Oh I could go on forever here).....BUT I AM JUST FLAT OUT ANGRY!!!! I might be misunderstanding what everyone is saying about detachment. But it sounds to me that it is suggested to stay with your "A", let them continue their path of destruction, ignore it and go on with your own life as if nothing is wrong. HOW???
I find it so hard to live my life pretending that nothing is wrong, pretending that it doesn't hurt me when my husband lies to me and disappears for days at a time doing who knows what, with who knows who, pretending that I am not scared of someone coming to my house who is looking to settle a score with my husband and taking that revenge out on me & my kids. Maybe I have seen too many movies (that is what my husband says) and that I have Hollywood view of things. I just know that I am so mad that I could spit fire.
I understand that he cannot help it that he has cravings and will do anything to satisfy them. But I am so mad that he even started in the first place. I am mad that he is dragging me and the kids down with him. We are losing everything we have worked so hard for. We beat the odds up til now...we got married @ 18 years old because I was pregnant and we were SOO IN LOVE!!! (he was my first love, first boyfriend) No one thought we'd make it this far. No one imagined we would have accomplished so much. We have worked through so many things together - money problems, my husband's infidelities, work problems. There have been so many ups and downs.
Now to see it all going down the toilet infuriates me. I can't just sit back and say "Oh poor hubby. He has a disease and it isn't his fault." IT IS HIS FAULT! It is HIS problem. Granted it is causing problems for me but I cannot fix his problem - only he can. And he doesn't seem to want to. So I can't just sit by, live my life and wait it out.
Don't get me wrong....I love my husband and I always will. But I just cannot dismis this situation. The only way I can see "Detachment" is to physically detach - Leave, set up my own life, move on, let him destroy himself if that is what he wants to do. Not to allow him to touch my life, not to allow him to suck the life out of me. I refuse to swim in the sewage and pretend it is a lovely swimming pool.
I am so sorry if any of this offends anyone. It is not meant to. Maybe I have my own issues to sort through. I just can't see how anyone continues to live w/their "A", looking past the destruction and pretending all is just okey dokey. If that is detachment, I want no parts of it.
Thanks to any one who has taken the time to read this. I am so sorry it is so long and has such an angry manner.
I hope everyone has a great weekend.....as I will be spending my weekend cherishing my children & working on getting the house I can no longer afford ready to sell.
I had allot of issues with anger and resentment too. No one expects you to sit by and watch your life go down the drain. However you can start on your own path. The 3 C's helped me allot. You did not cause it(u know that), you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. When you get busy with your recovery things will get better.
Step 1...I am powerless over drugs, alcohol and other people's behavior and my life has become unmanagable. You are here. Take it from me....I married 3 of them over 20 years. If you leave him now and go out into this world to start all over again. And never take the time to figure out what attracted you to him in the first place. You may like me just find another A to play the game of alcoholism with again. Then...like me you will wake up one day and realize that you are again in another boat that you have to bail out of. In all my alcoholic and addict relationships there was one common denominator. ME
My dad was an A....he was horrid. My mom told me he loved me and she accepted his behavior. This is what I thought love was! Find a face to face meeting and go to at least 6. If you do not find some comfort. Al-anon will refund your misery. Also it is best to wait 1 year before you make any major decisions. That is what I was told and I believe it to be true.
Thank you so much for everything you said. As far as what attracted me to him in the first place: I was 17, quiet, shy and he was the popular guy, so handsome and charming. Every girl had a crush on him. And for some reason he was interested in me. Oh young love.
As far as leaving him & getting involved w/someone else like him - well, if I leave him, I won't be out looking for another relationship. Men just don't seem worth it. I won't close the door to the possibility but I won't be looking for it. Plus, I am a lot older now and smarter. My priorities have changed. I could care less about popularity. The last 13 years has turned me into a totally different person than I was back in high school. I have 2 kids to look after and they are and always have been my top priority. If I got involved w/another man, he would need to have the same priorities as me.....and partying is not one of them.
Now - waiting a year before making any decisions....hmmm....I have heard that before too. Problem there is where will he have taken me financially, emotionally, physically. He has already had such a negative affect on our finances that getting out of it is only possible by selling things, including our house. Emotionally, I think the longer I stay, the harder my heart becomes and I may get to a point of never bouncing back. I don't want that. Physically, a lot could happen....I worry about disease for my sake & for my kids' sake. I have no clue who he is running with.
Again - thank you so very very much for the advice & for listening. It really does help to hear from other people.
I've had and have that same anger you are talking about. Thanks for your post and welcome!! My "a" also uses marijuana almost daily. He sees that it is causing him to become stagnant and life is passing him by one day at a time, but he has been unable to stop. I have raged at him for spending too much money, charging up the cards, drinking and driving without a license. I have had my battles and I've only been with him for four years. Recently a break up and a reconciliation. The reconciliation happened because while he was gone I realized how miserable I was allowing his problems to infiltrate my peace and my joy. My boys are two and I love them dearly. I was becoming the crabby mom and not liking it at all. I halfway worked this program for over a year and struggled with detachment and anger. This disease sucks, it rips through good people and good families, but it real and its not going away no matter how angry we get at it.
Detaching physically... I did it twice. Separating the disease from the person is a tougher one. Everytime I looked at him all I saw was his faults, the drinking, the lies etc. Alcoholism is a part of him but its not all of him. Somewhere in there is a person who feels things deeply, has ideas, opinions, and dreams. I realized that pain and anguish were in there with him too, that causes him to drink and use drugs. I had to let go and release him to HP. I didn't think I'd have a chance at being a family again, I knew the monitoring, controlling, yelling, verbal abuse I had put him through. I began seeing where I even instigated fights and drinking bouts.
Financially I can relate... I haven't been able to save any money in the last four years because he's been in and out of jobs so much. I have my assets protected though, my own bank account and I've put some strong boundaries in place about the money, what I'm willing to do and not do. He knows my deal breakers and if he crosses them then the deal is OFF!!! I may have to stand by this one day, but if I don't then he'll believe he can get away with hurting me and and disrespecting my boundaries and my feelings. I'm learning to honor myself and my anger. You are well within your right to be angry. This is hard stuff to swallow.
What are you willing to live with and not live with? Keep coming back and sharing with us, we are hear for you and know what you are going through. Take it slow and one day at a time.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Welcome, I am glad you are here. My name is Jennifer, my husband is an alcoholic/addict. We've been together for 13 years, since I was 21. As teenagers I had a crush on him, popular, witty, charming, exciting, and a partier. Reintroduction as young adults showed me a witty, charming, motivated, controlled partier. Years go by and I had the pleasure of meeting his other personality. The manipulative, lying, stealing, cheating one. Last year after discovering numerous lies, and that my belongings were being sold, and a few credit cards were maxed that I did not know existed we separated for a while. Just a little background ...
I understand your anger, I was so angry I no longer cared about anything. It gave me the strength to sell items so I could keep up payments on other things during that time. When I first came to Al Anon I read these posts and cried, when I read the posts sometimes I felt like I was meant to accept anything he could dish out or else I had to leave my home my life my marriage. I had the same thoughts as you ... detach, accept this, it's not his fault that my life is h###? Here is what I have learned so far, if it helps great if not thanks for reading and letting me vent some more anyway
Detachment to me is not taking the addiction's actions personally. His addictions are not out to ruin my life, they want to live. I can't even explain how I got to this point except to say that I constantly reminded myself of that.
Accepting that his addictions are fact, and are not going to go away. This allows me to not live in a fantasy that everything is fine when he is not using or at least I don't see any of the signs. Which frees me from guilt of doubting my husband even though I have every right to, and not liking myself for being surprised when it happens. It does not mean that I have to accept unacceptable behavior. Being able to detach enough to make known what is unacceptable is to me creating a boundary. Some I know already, some I have had to experience to know I will never live with him through it again.
The idea of pretending made me feel physically ill. the nice thing is you do not have to pretend anything. Acknowledging the addiction and accepting it is fact makes pretending impossible. The key for my life is detaching well enough that I can say I do not like something in a civil manner and walk away for the day to go make myself happy doing something healthy.
i have my reasons for staying with my husband, and the right to change my mind at any time. i know I will continue with Al Anon because it helps my life in other areas too. The anger is still there, it has mellowed some over time, and I continue to hand it over to my HP in the hope that some day I will be anger free. When that does not work I write it out or yell it out when i am alone. For some reason snapping a twig into tiny pieces while muttering swear words has always helped me too. LOL
Whatever decision you come to, I wish you the best. Keep coming back and take care you. (((OOD)))
THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERY ONE WHO HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO READ MY BOOK (POST) AND FOR GIVING ADVICE, SHARING YOUR STORIES AND OFFERING UP SUPPORT!!
It helps to hear from people. It helps to get it all out. I went home Friday after work and felt a bit better for being able to get it all out. Although I was still confused as to what lay ahead of me, what decisions I would need to make. This morning (Monday) I feel I have a clear view of what I am going to do with the rest of my life. All of this comes from events over the weekend.
I had made plans to take my husband's grandparents dinner Saturday night. He said he would go w/me. Then in the early afternoon, he decided he needed to go to the dump & take some things back to a friend of his. My son wanted to go but I said he needed to stay w/me & visit his great-grandparents. My husband fussed & said he could go w/him & they would both be at his grandparents in time for dinner. I will have you know, they NEVER showed. I couldn't get him on his cell phone either. At 10:30 that night I was ready to go home & decided to call his friends house to see if they were still there. They were. I went & picked up my son. I couldn't go home knowing that my husband was out drinking and was going to drive my 12 year old home. My son was very mad at me. He wanted to stay with his dad.
Anyway, at 4:30 in the morning, my husband woke me up and told me that he would be packing up his clothes and moving out b/c he couldn't live w/a woman who didn't trust him w/his own kids. All I said was "do whatever you need to." When he left the room, I actually felt some relief. I layed there for the next hour, reeling it all through my head. I realized that this is what I truly want. I have been putting up with so much for so long with his drinking, that now that he has thrown cocaine into the mix, I really don't want to be with him any more. I don't see him making any effort to get better. He would be happy just to let things continue the way they have. He does what he wants & I ignore him for a week afterwards. I don't fight and argue w/him over any of it. I never have. I have always let him know that I don't like his behavior w/out causing a fight. And you know, he NEVER says he is sorry. Not once has he apologized for his lies, cheating, using all of our money, leaving me alone for countless nights since the day we got married.
So where am I today? - feeling like I have finally reached the point where I have been struggling to get to.....I am emotionally & physically ready to call it quits. I love him but it isn't the same kind of love that I married him with. It is more of a "father of my kids" kind of "don't want him to get hurt" kind of love. And leaving him isn't a rash decision as I have been working towards this for almost a year now (Since we went to Disney last June and his attitude managed to ruin our dream vacation to the most magical place on earth!).
Thanks again so very much for all of your posts. God Bless Everyone. Talk to you all soon.
