My issue I terms of fear was what if I really was so damaged that's why my XAH drank!? He would go be with someone else and they would get the better parts of him and I'm just a major regect!? Ugh!! That's MY defective thinking. Guess what. We spilt up and he's still up to his old tricks .. The only difference is I'm not part of that dysfunction. Big hugs .. He is showing you who he is today .. Believe him.

I bet every single one of us has had that terrible feeling, "What if he stops drinking after we split up, and I miss out on the wonderful life we could have had?  And someone else gets it?"

Here are some things to think about:

The chances that someone who enters a formal program of recovery will achieve longterm sobriety are 15-25%.  If your Abf has not entered a formal program of recovery, the chances are less.  So it's really not a matter of "What if he wakes up someday and just decides to be sober?  And then everything will be smooth sailing!"  Though we'd all love it if that could happen.

When someone decides to go into recovery, it's a long, tumultuous road.  They're advised not to start new relationships for the first year, because they need to put all their attention on their sobriety.  If they're already in a relationship, their partner typically finds them self-absorbed (they have to be), moody, and only just learning how to function as an adult.  It's a tough time.  It isn't a warm supportive mutual relationship.

Even with people who have been in recovery for a good many years, there is always the danger of relapse.  I know someone who fell out of sobriety hard after 12 or 15 years of being a pillar of AA.  Several years down the road, he was still drinking.   So there is always that possibility hanging over your head.

You have a lot of baggage now with a guy whose actions have been pretty hurtful.  I know we tend to minimize their role in it ("He couldn't help himself" or "He's a good guy deep down"), but however good a guy he is, an alcoholic is not capable of being a grownup in a mutually supportive relationship.  You will always have that baggage to overcome.  Whereas with a new guy - no baggage!

There are thousands of great guys out there.  I know it's hard to appreciate that when you're hurting and they're abstract and this guy is real.  And people who hurt us provoke a kind of hold-on response for some reason.  It's harder to let go of those relationships than the ones that were less filled with drama and pain. 

This is the point where it helps us most to dive deep into our own recovery.  Therefore we are best prepared to make the most of whatever possibilities come our way, whether that's the old guy only healthier, or a new healthy guy.  Take good care of yourself.

I'm sending hugs your way ((Aline)), I'm sorry your going through this. Before Al-Anon I obsessed over my sometimes toxic, but lovely AH. All I could think about was the ifs, ands or buts of every possible scenario, my life had become unmanageable. My AH has an addiction, alcohol, but I have an addiction too, my alcoholic husband. Through working my program, the steps, reading the literature, breaking my isolation, trusting my HP etc...my life has become manageable, even peaceful. My AH is still active in his drinking, I couldn't even tell you how often or how much he drinks because I didn't cause I it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Keep coming back love, your among people who understand and support you.