The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I want to share my story (so far). I had been living with my ABF for close to 10 years and we've been together since I was 16, so for around 12 years now. We used to drink together, the two of us or in larger company, a lot and often, but I didn't see a big problem with that for a long time. At some point I reached a level of health at which I couldn't go up to the third floor of the apartment house without becoming out of breath, which concerned me (I'm something of a hypochondriac) so I started to drink less, which actually was somewhat difficult especially for the first week or so, and I felt quite a strong pull to drink for couple of months. Another reason for wanting to cut the alcohol intake was that at the time I had started to be pretty mean to my ABF sometimes when I was drunk, but I understood alcohol caused that. I guess all the signs of becoming an alcoholic were there and thankfully I heeded them. Unfortunately my ABF continued drinking.
Being young and stupid, and with the pink glasses of love covering my eyes, I realized just a week ago how terribly enabling I've been for a very long time, initially buying beers for both of us, afterwards also often just for him, lying about the amounts we (later just he) were drinking to our families. I realize my younger self had no ill intentions and I also realize that my ABF in his growing (or already fully developed?) alcoholism was not above using my infatuation with him and my natural helpfulness in getting what he wanted/needed. So I "helped".
I realized there was an alcohol problem for my ABF around two years ago, because at the time unfounded criticisms, blaming etc. started to come along. We started to fight often, I guess I finally had become disenchanted with my "caretaker" role...
I finally started to demand that my boundaries were respected, because for several years at least I had often stated my boundaries ("I don't want to buy you alcohol anymore" etc.) but never enforced them, I guess because I expected, as seemed natural to me at the time, that if I tell someone I don't want to do something and if it is reasonable and not unfair that I don't do whatever it is, the other person would eventually understand and respect my wishes. Which was not the case.
There followed lots of fighting, tears and prolonged, health-damaging stress since then. I went to an Al-anon meeting for the first time this January, read quite a bit of literature. It has helped me, definitely, and I did succeed at enforcing most of my boundaries, one by one, with a lot of mental effort...
Today is a week since I last heard from my ABF. I left our flat last Wednesday, after coming home after work, finding him drunk-ish, although telling me he only drank one bottle of beer, angry at me that I refuse to lie to his family about his renewed drinking. He had drank a lot less for some two weeks after seeing an addiction doctor/healer for the first time, and I thought my prayers had been answered and he would really try to stop drinking for good. This didn't last long, and over the next 3 weeks he again drank every day, becoming mean again (the bad attitude had been gone when he almost-didn't-drink-at-all). I realized all the old signs were there - his "evil twin", as I sometimes call him in my head, was back and demanding I tell the rest of the world we are doing great and that he still isn't drinking. I felt I simply couldn't cope with all that old crap again and I was familiar enough with Al-anon literature to know that I shouldn't be his lying shield against his family's inquiries about whether he's drinking or not.
So I left, saying that I'm not lying to others, and I'm not buying his lies to me about "only one beer", and that I won't live with an alcoholic. I have stayed with my mum since.
This has been the first time ever, I think, that we have not spoken to each other for so long. I have stayed away from home for a night before, but I always came back. But I guess this time was different - I didn't leave when things were at their worst, I left because I didn't want to wait until they got to their worst, which I could clearly see they would sooner or later...
I know my ABF is OK, more or less at least, I talked to his mom over the phone, and he'd called her. I called him once, and sent a few messages in the first few days, but no reply. I stopped trying after talking to his mom, he hadn't told her I left home, probably so that he didn't have to lie about the "why".
The main thing about all of this is, of course, what's next? I don't know how things are going to work out, but heartbreakingly - I feel that right now getting back together would not be the best thing for me, considering the deterioration of my mental (and financial) well-being, OR for my ABF, considering that I probably would not be able to stay AND also to continue to enforce all the boundaries necessary for my well-being...
I love and miss him (not his evil twin though), I'm still confused at the abrupt change my life has taken, I'm regretful about the bad things I have contributed to our relationship and the progress of alcoholism, although I realize I was not the single source of it, but I'm more at peace right now than I have been for a long time, except those blissful couple of weeks when it seemed my ABF was on his way to kick the habit for good. He's such a great person when sober for a longer period of time...
I also miss our cat.
My life turned out to be not what I had always expected from it, although I now realize it has been childish of me to expect anything of "life", as if "it" had some obligations to me... Ridiculous. Still painful, though, to lose that dream of what my life "should" be like.
I'm sorry for the terribly long post. It's a long story. Thank you for reading... I would be very happy to hear from you...
Hi Aline and welcome to the board. Although my situation is different I can relate to your post. I am sure most people on here can relate to your post. What hit me the most was that you miss him but not his evil twin lol. My AH seems to have two different sides to him too when he's drunk and when he's sober. You mentioned the blissful couple of weeks when it seemed he was on his way to kick the habit. I have been there too where my AH wouldn't drink for a while and then would start up again. I have cycled through the hope and desperation of all of that myself more than a few times. It took me a long time to accept that he had a disease and it couldn't be easily fixed, it may never in fact be fixed and to not pin my happiness to his sobriety.
I can also relate to your life not turning out to what you expected and realizing life doesn't owe you anything. The great thing about that the Al Anon program taught me was that I can start to rebuild my life for myself despite what has happened. I can build my life today in a better way. Keep coming back and face to face meetings are very helpful I would recommend attending some if you haven't already.
Hugs and welcome back .. I was wondering if you ever made it to your meetings .. you mentioned before that you had been ill and not able to go.
The face to face helps a great deal and it's so good not to be isolated which online or not can create feelings of disconnect. I do understand circumstances of not being able to make it to face to face meetings consistently. That's where the bread and butter of the program are at.
Keep coming back .. S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you for your replies, KT2015 and Serenity. I do feel I can be happy and whole again, I just don't see it happening right now together with my ABF, which saddens me...
I haven't attended any meetings since my health got better, but I'm thinking of coming back now I'm ok again...
Aline,
That is great that you recognized your health being effected by the drinking and left. Many people do not leave. It can be a very hard decisions to make. You should not be so hard on yourself. You cannot change the past but you can change your future. It is always good to remember the 3 C's you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. You are not alone, Keep coming back!
Welcome back Aline - good to see you again. I too applaud your awareness that a change was needed. I'm (again) reminded of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I see all of that in your post.
There is nothing wrong with grieving what 'was' and what 'you wanted'. It took me a long time in recovery to believe and accept that things always happened for a reason even if I was in pain - the best was yet to come has proven to be true over and over again.
My hope is you can be gentle with you, breathe and just focus on One Day at a Time....meetings and program effort will bring you relief - as will fellowship/support. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aline, I hear you...I've been there, "done that" (what you've done), learned, got healthy and then I started to "do differently" and do the healthy thing. Early on, we think it is simple -- we simply establish a boundary, state it, and the other person will go along with it, respect it and adhere to it. SURPRISE!!! It rarely, very rarely works that way. Do you need to know and understand why? Simply put, it is because the other person is sick, they want what they want, and they want you to do what they want, and so on. Also, boundaries are not an easy tool to understand and properly utilize in a healthy way. I've often said we establish a boundary, we verbalize it and/or put it in writing (in an email for example, if that's one way you communicate with the other person), and then...WE stand by it. It doesn't matter if the other person does. We should expect them not to. We should expect them not to respect it, adhere to it, agree, etc. So, I don't know if it's semantics, but I always say that we "honor" our boundaries, we stand by them, and we do exactly what we said we were going to do. Not to oversimplify it -- but an example of a boundary is "if you do this, then I will do that" so to speak. When the other person does "this" -- we then do "that" and we stand by it. We do it nicely, politely, with compassion. A boundary is not to punish the other person. It is to protect us.
You ask, what's next. Well, that's a great question. And here is the answer. What's next is for you to FOCUS ON YOU. Mind your own business. Don't interfere with decisions he's making, what he's doing, what choices he's making. Don't engage with him in some back and forth about his drinking. Make it about YOU. Tell him your decision, your position, your boundary. Don't "negotiate" terms and conditions of his drinking, sobriety, behavior, etc. Why? Because all of that is up to him. It's your job to decide what you want to do AFTER he decides what he wants to do. He will ONLY quit drinking IF and WHEN HE wants to. Period. That has to be his decision. But for now, you need to focus on YOU. Start getting to meetings. Find a sponsor and start doing the work so that YOU can get better. Of course you are confused, you are supposed to be -- and that is why you need to focus on YOU and start doing the work. So that you are not confused. You will gain focus and clarity so that you can make healthy, intelligent decisions, and know what is best for YOU.
You said "except those blissful couple of weeks when it seemed my ABF was on his way to kick the habit for good. He's such a great person when sober for a longer period of time..." -- and that is part of your problem, your sickness...your health, your happiness, your well being is too contingent upon HIM. Not good. When he seemed good, seemed like he was going to be sober...then you were OK, good, etc. That is co-dependency. That is your happiness and healthiness being dependent upon HIM, his health, his well being, his happiness, and his sobriety. High hopes and low expectations. When you get a strong handle on acceptance, and you start doing the work, detaching, not contributing to all of this that is going on...then you won't be consumed with what should have been, could have been, etc.
Now is the time for you to focus on YOU. Detach, let go, and get space and distance from him, what he's doing, his sobriety, and all of the drama, chaos, and turmoil that is being caused by him and his drinking. Don't be a part of it and you will be able to focus on you. All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
