Coming out of denial is a bit like chipping off a cast. At first, little pieces come away and you can see the bits underneath. You keep chipping away, little pieces keep falling, then get bigger. Keep chipping, chipping then in a soft but fast crumble, the whole thing is revealed and its Very different to the shell. Part of me desperately wants to put the shell back over it. Desperately. But i can't. I tried to but i couldn't even make myself do what i wanted to do which is quite new and remarkable. Do houses have energy, perhaps? Did I spend four years just pouring the wish to escape into those walls for this time now, when I'd most need the reminder? I saw the whole thing really clearly in that horrible little house with the pretty front yard. Mostly that no amount of trying or waiting would get me where i want to be. Realising the disease has had it's chokehold all this time and it isn't moving. I don't even know if there was a person to love or if I did love, because can you love someone who wasn't really there? Doesn't matter really. The last exchange we had was like talking to my dad after his 38 years of daily alcohol and marijuana abuse. Total advanced and blanket denial of everything and I'm not talking about drinking so much as reality. I wouldn't call it a form of truth either. It's like an exoskeleton of promises and justifications which allow the same old abuses to continue. I'm not talking about physical abuse either, i know how to take care of myself. Too well, it's another reason it had to end. For me, an alcoholic marriage was emotionally abusive. Then when it's added into a broader context of a confused society,well. That's an essay in itself. Im a strong woman, but I'm also a soft one, and I like to be loved, appreciated and respected on my own merits. That wasn't happening. One of the things always thrown at me was, why don't i just give him the kids. And i would always respond with, and then what? You get drunk and they get farmed out and abused by other drunks? Which of course would slide into a huge slinging match, but all of it just obfuscated the all powerful present. So the last time, i told him, instead of talking about some magical future fantasy, why don't we talk about what's happening now? Who is looking after them? How are they progressing? Exactly what is broken that needs to be fixed with such a radical change? And finally cui bono, my darling, who benefits? It didn't really help us, it definitely didn't help him, but boy did it help me to chip away those last bits of plaster. I can see now that our entire marriage had been a crappy present he justified with a whitewashed version of the past and when needed distracted from with promises for the future. But the present becomes the past and the future never arrives. So the act continues and the years go by. I also see that none of those were really about keeping me so much as keeping up the denial, and keeping up denial is absolutely vital to addiction and a sense of control. Denial challenged digs deeper. So, i can not unsee this horrible thing and i can not let myself be used that way. The payoff is too small and the demands ever increasing. I have a lot of work to do on my boundaries and self esteem. I think though that i may be a little less bull at a gate for new experiences, and a bit more thoughtful. Im glad i did marriage, though i went low key and barefoot for the wedding. My daughters, im gonna be momzilla of the weddings to make up for it lol lol. Fifty yards of tulle and lace like little meringues haha. I'd never do that. ?! Thanks for being here family. Chipping away on my journey and grateful.