The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been worried about it and the high potential for jail-time, but when I spoke to him a couple of weeks ago he told me he'd spoken to a lawyer who said he was sure he could get an adjournment as he needed time to review the case etc. So I put it out of my mind until there was something tangible to deal with.
Anyway, HE has been kind of a jerk the last week or so, very dismissive and unfriendly. He came over on Saturday night and left in the middle of the night because he 'wanted to play his computer game" which sent me into a seething silent fury and I've been severely snarky ever since.
Last night he came over to pick up his smokes he had left behind and since I was generally annoyed with his crappy attitude (after pushing me so hard to get back together he starts being silent and grumpy again already, wtf?) so I was cold and handed him his smokes and showed him the door. He left looking miserable and I have been thoroughly confused and sad about the sudden change in demeanor. My line of thinking has been something like "Oh so you put in 2 years of effort to get me to be with you again and as soon as I give in you turn back into the crappiest partner in the world, well poor me and screw you!"
Anyway I just spoke to him (it's 1:30am here) and he doesn't have legal representation (in the end he couldn't afford it) and is going alone tomorrow. Which is not good news. I asked him why on earth he didn't tell me and he said, "you've seemed upset lately and I didn't want to worry you". (I've been upset because he's been silent and dismissive). (OMG). (Seriously).
So now I just feel horrible. Realistically (and without being self-flagellatory) I should have though of this as being the probably cause of his mood rather than assuming it was me or taking it personally. I mean honestly 30 seconds of thinking outside of myself and I might have gotten it. Now I feel like the Biggest A-Hole In The world.
And it's not that I have any specific role in any of it, other than, he's been really good to me for ages. We've been good; planning possible futures and really, things seemed pretty good (when he was being Mr Attentive). The court appearance is for something that occurred 9 months ago and really, the way things have been between us and the level of support he has been showing me should mean I was at least supportive/available during a stressful time but instead, I've been a stroppy cow all week and now he's going off alone in 7 hours or so and I dread the outcome especially with no representation.
And it doesn't matter whether he deserves the outcome or the worry or any of that, what matters to me is that I've been so self involved and self interested that I failed to be kind or supportive at a time when I would really have liked to be. No matter who it was, I would like to think I could be understanding during a stressful time.
Intensely annoyed with myself right now. And worried. What if he gets locked up and I don't get a chance to talk to him? If I was him I'd be really hurt and feeling let down by me. And alone. I really need to stop living in my head and thinking everyone is victimising me. It's really pretty selfish. Ugh.
I'm utterly confused .. LOL .. I'm sorry Miss M .. how is his court issues YOUR issue? BTW .. yes .. court sucks however he's a man not a child and guess what you mess up you eventually have to deal with consequences.
The way I see it is he wasn't honest about what was going on for whatever reason .. hellooo .. it's called communication it's a two way street. I don't think you are a "jerk" because you didn't have all the information.
So if I am understanding your post correctly .. he has court, .. doesn't communicate with you honestly about the fact he has no attorney and just to say this is something he should have known for a while now. If you have no money .. you have no money .. don't they offer some kind of legal aide for people having financial issues? I mean I realize it's not great at least it's something and something he could have pursued on his own. You feel badly because he didn't tell you what was going on and you have been moody. Hmm .. welcome to the human race? I mean seriously .. this is on you because???
My limited understanding of having a partnership is the willingness to put all of the garbage on the table .. good, bad, ugly and beautiful. Then as a partnership you deal with it together regardless of how ugly it is. I realize he's an addict of sorts at the same time he sounds like a child who has done something bad and is relieving himself of responsibility. That's just my perspective of what you have shared ..
I just want you to take a moment and review what you have shared and seriously point out where you dropped the ball .. if you don't know .. you don't know. Now if he shared all of that information and you were still a jerk then that's a different conversation .. this .. hmm .. I don't know .. I don't see an issue with your part in this.
Sounds like you could use an alanon tune up and restore to the steps 1,2,3 with some slogans of the 3 C's.
He's a grown man who ideally should face his trials so to speak and deal with them as an adult instead of trying to have the kicked the dog look moping around .. I'm sorry I think my hormones are in overdrive .. this just perplexes me to no end.
Big hugs .. owning your part is different than accepting responsibility for 100% of the issue.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I can get so self obsessed at times and can't see the woods for the trees and it's a serious defect because it does block us from being the person we want to be and let's face it regardless of the situation we want to be a person we can be proud of in order to gain some more lovely self respect and self esteem. My sponsor tells me remember your in recovery easy does it. We're only human doll so take it as a learning curve and a success cos guess what? You got to see. Wow that's the miracle. We're not in the dark any more.x
Thanks folks but it isn't about the other person, it's about me realising that I am so in my own bubble lately that I am not paying attention to what is going on with other people at all.
And just to clarify, he hasn't said, done or requested anything of me. I'm just peeved with myself for taking everything others do personally instead of considering that they have their own crap going on.
Obviously I didn't express it well.
Never mind
Hi MS.M you just did the 10th step on the issue, owned your part in the situation now it is time to forgive yourself and let go and let God. We are not perfect and we do fall back into old l behavior like others do. The difference is that we have tools and we can pick ourselves up make amends and move forward. Progress not perfection is our goal.
Sometimes I do wish the A's were half as hard on themselves as we are on ourselves. But I wonder if you really failed as much as you think? I see that you have standards of warmth and supportiveness that you want to live up to. And I'd guess that if you were dealing with a regular friend or unproblematic family member, you would have no hesitation in being warm and supportive. But sometimes there's a healthy layer of us that doesn't want us to put a disproportionate amount of energy (or hope or vulnerability or attention and warmth) into a relationship where we don't have a lot of assurance that the other person will also be there for us.
From what you've said, your A can sometimes be close and supportive, particularly when he's hoping to be back together with you. But it also wouldn't be a huge shock if he were stand-offish or cruel or cold. And you say he's been "very dismissive and unfriendly."
So I wonder if your being "under-supportive" isn't your healthy part taking care of you. Recognizing the reality of the situation and adjusting the amount of energy you put into it accordingly. The fact that he had stresses going on doesn't mean this behavior and unreliability of his is any healthier in the relationship.
When the situation is volatile and sometimes not good, it's asking a lot to have the person on the receiving end be warm and supportive. I know it's sort of a stereotype in modern culture, the woman who gives and gives no matter how she's treated. That was a 1950s idea of womanhood. It wasn't very good for the giver. A healthy relationship is one in which each side is equally invested. I wonder if this situation is an expression of your good healthy and sense protecting you, even if it goes against the "ideal."
