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So yesterday I found myself in a mess of my own doing. Wallowing and such... I quickly recognized and tried to change my attitude around. Jump to today. Sundays are always the hardest. I wake up with anxiety wondering if my A was going to follow thru on plans and promises he has made to the boys. Today is no different. He was set to take the oldest to a function this afternoon, told me yesterday it started at 12, and took an hour to get there-- that he would be here early to get him. So this morning I send him a text asking what time he will pick up our son--- no response. Our youngest son texted him emojii's (they love texting him these days)--- no response. So around 1145 I decided I had waited long enough (Sunday is always my day to go to the store, in the morning) and since it was almost noon and took an hour to get there I figured my A was already on his way without our son. We pull up to the store and I get a call from A, at 11:58, mad--- where are you at? He's instantly yelling at me "I'm so mad at you, this is all your fault, tell him its your fault he isn't going, why would you do this, you knew what the plan was, why didn't you call or communicate that you were going to the store, you did this on purpose....." on and on and on. I told him to lower his voice. That I HAD in fact communicated with him and he didn't call or text me. Or how about this, call and tell me you are on your way to have our son ready? I mean in my head it is logical.... right? But he's just raging on me. In the 2.5 months he's been out of the house (for those following along my little journey) he hasn't had these moments. He hangs up and instant anxiety- mouth dry, heart racing, shaking, want to jump out of my skin. I attempt to walk in the store just to turn around and walk back out. The store with 2 small boys gives me enough anxiety as it is. I called a friend who kindly reminded me that clearly he is mad at himself---- but why does it always FEEL like I am the one that is wrong. I calmed down enough to get my shopping done and couldn't get home fast enough to jump on here and into my program. I might add that I have no idea if he's dry, drinking, etc. because he isn't around. He said the other day he met with his counselor again and admitted he had relapsed. Had a fairly positive week. He came over and was with the boys yesterday... and me, but it never feels like he cares one way or the other if I am there---- There I go again taking his inventory instead of focused on my own, which is why I found myself in a mess of my own making. These are the moments that I just don't have the tools for yet. My instinct is to call and apologize to take on the fault to offer to drive son to him anything and everything to make his anger at me go away. But that being said I can't ever placate him. I could move the world and he would still be mad at me. So if I know that, why do I get so sucked in? I hate this. Your support, encouragement, and insight is greatly appreciated.
((((Pumpkin )))) This disease is famous for no shows and disappointment which is especially difficult when children are involved. I thought as their mother I had to protect them and this is true if there is physical or verbal abuse. What I learned in Al -anon is that I am not responsible for my A's broken promises or his no shows and I certainly don't have to accept the blame. Taking his blame is not only disrespectful to him it is disrespectful to me. When my A didn't show, I Kept it Simple..Dad must have had something come up, he will call you later. I never wanted to put my children in the middle and didn't participate in the blame game after Al-Anon. Can't say I didn't in the beginning and found that it wasn't working in fact only fuel ed the fire. Keep coming back,.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Sunday 9th of April 2017 06:46:51 PM
Hugs pumpkin .. Are you working with a sponsor because that's a direct response to something inside you. Well I rephrase that .. It's really how I respond when I'm feeling like "bad S" now even if I am not doing anything wrong .. My response is fear that in doing something wrong. I don't see you continuing with your plans as "wrong" that garbage your Ah is spouting is on him. Letting the kids down .. Ugh .. That's a hard one. I only suggest you don't take on what is not your part. Hugs S ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm sorry he upset you and it's causing you to have anxiety. I hope you'll be able to take your power back to have a good rest of the day. Your sponsor may be able to help you to figure out a workable plan concerning this. It might include some boundaries and a plan B. Such a plan could empower you and might help quiet your feelings of anxiety a bit. I agree with you, it doesn't sound like he is owed an apology from you. (((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Unfortunately I don't have a sponsor yet, looking--- but only able to make one f2f meeting right now due to schedule. I might add that maybe wasn't clear, he did show up to pick up the eldest but not until noon, with no communication. But he wanted me to take all the blame for our eldest to the function. And I fell right into the trap even tho I knew I wasn't at fault. He just expects me to sit at the house and just wait for him to appear. I am not doing that, I moved on with my day based on the info he gave me yesterday and he was mad that when he -finally- showed up we were gone.
Serenity, you are so right, my response to this scenario is completely about me and my fears. This will be the hardest thing for me to overcome. I'm so used to shouldering all the blame all the time, so messed up, but the truth. So instinctually my psyche and body respond as I have taught it to. I see my counselor on Tues and will be discussing this at length. Just like the drinking, he made choices today, whatever they were that caused him to be late, and he made a choice to not communicate with me.
(((pumkin))) - so very sorry for his outburst and how it affected you.....all above me are correct - the disease has a way of disappointing all who expect or rely on someone with active disease. It is so hard to set up boundaries and then detach but that's where I found my best path to peace.
A sponsor is very helpful for all of this. What mine did suggest is when I am communicating, I kindly express what I really need. Learn from what happened - next time, perhaps a statement such as, "Son 1 is very excited about the event. If you are not here by xx:xx, I will tell him that you had a change of plans and you are not going." What I learned in Al-Anon is when I am clear about my needs and my actions, I then have a plan B as we often discuss.
We are only about progress - never about perfection. He's going to do what he's going to do and you get to live your life around things. I just got off the phone with my son. He has 2 boys - my grandchildren. They are 3.5 and 1.5 and have never (yet) been to our family easter egg hunt. I told him I want them there and will do what I can to make that happen. He told me he's got a busy week with work and school, and asked me to work with the baby momma. I am willing to do this for my Grand-Babies.....
When I start the process with time to adjust, I am better able to pause and pray as needed. The disease seems to create chaos in the simplest of things and often requires patience, that for me is a God-thing....I am not a naturally patient person.
You are doing fine and you are learning/practicing as you go. Breathe, breathe and breathe some more and be gentle with you. It's maddening to manage life, children, etc. with this disease but it gets easier with practice and time (and a sponsor)...(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Lots of subtext in this event. It is illuminating on many levels. At the surface, emotions and history aside, this is a communication problem. You acted with the knowledge you had and so did he. You know him to be unreliable and he knows you to be on-call and waiting and adapting to his schedule. You both acted on your existing knowledge.
Don't apologise Pumkin. Keep it simple. You are establishing a reasonable boundary. It just needs clarifying and follow through. You have the right to make plans which fit in with you. If someone says midday, right away that's either half your day gone or a dash home well before lunch in order to feed, clean kids, get one ready, nap the other, gather your energy and any other kid demands that pop up. So whatever way you're accomodating someone. A confirmation text or call is perfectly reasonable. Underneath that are two things for you which i can see. One, you have a lived experience of this person being unreliable. Two, you do not wish to be on hold anymore.
At the emotional level, it strips self esteem to allow someone to ignore you as an incubator and background nanny, this is your family and as un pc as it is, of course we have feelings towards the father as women and mothers especially when they're young. However there comes a point when we have to put down our emotional ideals and start looking at the reality of what those ideals cost us. He is intent on not acknowledging you which is a form of power if you continue to give it away. It doesn't sound like a very happy arrangement for you or the boys by extension. Our kids know when we are sad and distracted. It's very difficult to mother under a cloud. So, i guess I'd like to say, what you're doing on a day to day basis is important work: without families, we don't have a world. Respect yourself and others will too. They may not be used to it, at first, but they will learn. This is what i see tentatively emerging in deciding not to sit and wait any longer. Its wobbly but it always in the beginning, progress not perfection.
Oh and store anxiety, yes, i used to get that. Now it feels like jumping into a trench, yeah it's unpleasant and their could be casualties if anyone says anything remotely rude to us, but we'll get in and we'll get out, deal with it members of public lol. Practically, we rely on apples. If your kids like em, they last forever and after a bit, it becomes part of the shopping routine and looked forward to. Give them an apple or some kind of snack while you shop. Another thing i used to do with my first family, also two boys, was to allow each to pick one thing. A small thing that is. Like $1. And they'd have to be good and hold that one thing until we got to the checkout. With these kids its the apple. Hell to pay if mummy forgets the apple lol.
I use apples, pretzels, fruit snacks, juice boxes - bring a whole backpack of snacks for the grand-kids....it just keeps them entertained and allows me to think and get through the store! I used the same strategy with my boys and it's not perfect but works more times than not!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iamhere,
Thank you! I like your perspective and your example of setting the boundary with clear expectations based on time. I am by nature a planner, he is by nature a how the wind blows person so we have always struggled a bit. This happens a lot during the holidays. I have found over the years that if I want to know when we are supposed to be somewhere to just talk to his family member directly. That is actually why I sent the text early this morning, that way I could be somewhat proactive about the day without sitting and wondering if or if he wasn't going to show up etc.
a4l-
your post is really resonating with me. Just before I read your post I was on the phone with a fellow al-anon member and she basically said the same thing in that, by me not waiting I was setting a boundary. She actually thought it was good that I wasn't home when he happened to show up. She said that her sponsor asks her to look at what's behind the anxiety... and I will say that him being angry with me makes me VERY uncomfortable. I am working with my counselor on this as well, people being angry with me is a huge trigger. So yes I have been in this "on-call" situation for him for a long time. He is without a doubt unreliable and even before the disease really took hold. What pops in my head is that I am trying to have a reasonable conversation with someone that is unreasonable. I have long talked to him about his lack of communication and to that end CONSIDERATION. But nothing changes because I constantly allow it, right? I can get mad, I can get sad, I can blow his phone up, I can not reach out at all and none of it matters. So I guess today, I waited until around the time I KNEW he was supposed to be at event and figured (assumed) he had just left without our son. I feel like that was reasonable and that he hadn't communicated so we went on with our day. And I think a reasonable person (in this scenario, what I would do) could have picked up a phone and said, I over slept, I am running late, on my way have him ready so we can just go. (or something to that affect) but nothing. thank you again!!!
thank you! I have used all of these tricks. Most days the small toy reward at the end works the best for the 3 year old. I NEVER knew what hell check out isles were before I had kids. Its diabolic! Ha! I have always had my own level of anxiety when shopping. Social anxiety or something, not sure. So to add the "stress" of two rambunctious boys is definitely a challenge. That's why I prefer to go early on a Sunday bc then I can beat the big crowd and hopefully get in and out without a major tantrum by either them or myself (haha).
Just a quick perspective .. alcoholism is not a reasonable rational disease it's chaos and unpredictability .. Expecting a drunk to act responsible or rational is a recipe for disaster. You do you ... Allow him to do him and pray for the wisdom to know what's best for you and your kiddos. Hugs s ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Serenity-- YES! Now that I am hours removed and jumped into the program, reached out and reflected I can see that I was expecting a reasonable response from someone who (bc of alcohol) is unreasonable. I would like to look at this situation and figure out how to not engage and get myself all sucked in and worked up. For me bc I didn't know what he was going to say (he could've called just to say he wasn't coming, which is his MO) but once I realize his angle I should've just not engaged further. Practice... yikes!
LOL ... be very gentle with yourself ... these are the moments to hang on to and say AHA!! It's progress not perfection .. it's those baby steps until it becomes that quick switch of oh I don't have to do this .. don't beat yourself up lady .. I have to remind myself I didn't get here over night I'm not going to change 40 years of learned behavior in one situation it's going to be multiple situations over a longer period of time. I equate it to loosing weight .. I didn't get 30lbs overweight in one night and I'm not going to loose it in a night no matter how much I want to believe that's the case. Good for you!!!!
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
So today I'm feeling anger. Didn't hear from A all day yesterday after the little outburst. I didn't expect to hear from him. He called this morning to talk to boys before work, barely spoke to me (again didn't expect much and didn't feel like talking to him either to be honest). Had to text him about this coming weekend with schedules and work. So he texts me this evening saying he is struggling and misses us. It truly bothers me that there is no accountability for his actions (yesterday) from Him. I know this is my old thinking, will try and redirect my thoughts.
Here's my logic---- if he misses us (read the boys) so much then he COULD come home and see them--- dry--- and then go drink if that's what he's doing. Yikes!!!! Total wrong thinking, I know. His "pity party" annoys me. HALT comes to mind today, so I'll listen and take care of myself with an online meeting or do some reading and reflection.
Whelp, that didn't last long. Here come the raging texts. Sheesh. Ranging from "you just be talking to other guys, you played me yesterday, I work so hard, all these women are attracted to me but I'm strong and don't give in, I hustle for you, I work so hard, I have a drinking problem so you kicked me out of the house......." translate--- he's the king of he world, he's so awesome, he does it all and basically I'm to blame.
No anxiety. None. I see the words and I just detach. I tell you, he is highly agitated, not sure what's setting him off.
Well you're not playing the game pumkin. So of course he's jumping up and down. Let him. Stay detached. Take the boys for a walk, go play at a park, anything. Ooops advice giving lol. I can very much relate to no accountability and have recently discovered that it goes so deeply i think it ought to be it's own mental illness. its hard not to get sucked in. Hence the suggestion to get out of the house!
Also, do you have a safety plan in place? Its a good idea to have one just in case. Alcoholics are not reasonable and control issues are common and dangerous potentially.
thanks a4l! Unfortunately it is late here so no park, but I did take myself to the online meeting. I knew I needed it tonight. Something about accountability really resonates with me. I get stuck on it a lot. And then tangle that up with an unreasonable person and all hell breaks loose! Ha!
I do have a few friends that know what is going on and would welcome me anytime/anyday. He (gladly in my opinion) stays away. If he's in good spirits with himself I think it allows him the ability to do what he wants without "answering" to me. Since I don't revolve around him and his actions anymore, I don't ask anymore, I don't call, I don't get mad if I don't hear from him. I am living my life and he is living his and we are in some respects just coparenting.
Something has definitely triggered this response yesterday and today. Not sure what. But he made a comment to me on Saturday that I don't seem "myself". I tried to ask what he meant by that, but this is the first time he has acknowledged that I have changed my behaviors (or tried anyways).
Good self care in action, i love it. I get stuck on accountability too and am trying not to. It's talking that does it for me. My mothers observation of my a father was, he believes his own lies. It was a very calm observation and i never really got it, but I do now. Its like they're made of Teflon.
Hi pumkin. Your post resonates alot with me. As you have said in one of your posts...your logic is....I think you have hit the proverbial nail on the head. With alcoholism there is no logic, only insanity. I have a similar situation at home, but waiting for my AH to leave. Meanwhile he makes promises to take the children out, but goes off on his own to buy booze instead and takes no accountability for letting the children down. I have learned to expect nothing from him, so if he does do something nice, it's a bonus, but if he doesn't then I don't feel let down. With the children I just say alcohol has made dad unwell and if (when!) he hasn't followed through on a promise - I just say matter of factly dad is drunk and if appropriate, just remind them that it is not their fault, didn't cause it, can't control it etc and just move on to do something with them myself as a back-up plan. I do admit that I feel resentful when we go out and see other dads doing normal and loving things with their children, but remind myself that my thinking that way isn't helping anyone and we have sure moved a long way from the days when I would spend all my energy feeling let down by him because of his actions. There is a saying in courage to change II along the lines of don't go to the hardware store and expect to buy bread and especially don't keep going back to the hardware store day after day and feeling ever more disappointed that they still don't sell bread. Your post is inspirational and even as a stranger, I can see that you have made wonderful changes and it inspires me to continue moving forward myself. Hugs.
I like the hardware analogy, it's so true. When the kids and I were at the park on Sunday I looked around at "normal" "healthy" families with a Dad, Mom, child out on a Sunday at the park. Meeting up with other "normal" parents and I did have a pang. Even simple things like he and I have maybe twice in our relationship (since having kids)-- just as the alcoholism and addiction started setting in--- gone grocery shopping together. Like we don't do ANYTHING together other than go to family meals on the holidays. And even then we usually drive separately (even tho I would never drink if I was driving, so he could drink all he wanted). Recently he would come to family events dry and then bolt as soon as he could to go drink which is the bigger reason for two vehicles. Leaving me to get the boys home and to bed It definitely feels better to let go of expectations and thus no added resentments. Easter Sunday is this week, going to his sisters, the family I am good with not sure how he will be towards me, especially since he is already starting off the week picking fights. I am thankful for the program, the tools I am learning and all the support I am receiving. Be it on this message board, online meetings, in person meetings, recovery show podcast, my counselor, etc. I look to every corner for guidance and I find that I am always shown the light I am looking for.... :)
