The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight I spent the night with my bf's family. They are a completely dysfunctional group. Filled with alcoholics. I played the hostess and we all had a lovely time as we were celebrating his dad's 77th birthday. But, I miss my family. MY OWN DYSFUNCTIONAL family!
I'm crying now because all I want to do is drop my life here and move to CO to be closer to my sister, my nephews, and my 2 cousins. My aunt and mom would only have to fly to CO to visit us all. It was always the 4 of us growing up in our dysfunctional messes. They are the only people who I think know me for who I am. Who get me and know my pain and my past so intimately. Maybe because they shared a lot of it with me, right?
I have been thinking often about moving to Denver. it has been with me since I filed my divorce papers. I kept pushing the thought back and stayed with my bf. But, you know, Denver isn't going to make me happy. And, I know my sister will drive me crazy over time. Her life is a mess and I can't be in her house for more than a few hours without going insane because of the mess and her 4 boys. Yet, being around my bf's family and feeling like the outsider really tugged at my heartstrings.
So, I'm sitting here crying. Missing my wonderful mom. Missing a hug from my sister. Missing my cousin's always listening ear and sound counsel. And, missing my other cousins absolute acceptance and spiritual guidance and love and silliness she brings to the family. Someday I know I will miss more people than them and I know they are a phone call away, but dang, tonight really hit me hard.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
((Andromeda)) Sounds as if you reviewed your feelings, looked at them from all sides and realized that a geographic may not be the best solution. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
Oh do I know what you are going thru as I watch my wife with compassion go thru the "missings" of her family in Central Valley California and then she can go anytime she wants which is at the end of this month and she will be gone for 2 months and I am sure keeping her heart's eye on a future return trip. I will be fine with the dog as this is home for me and CenVal the birth of my recovery. It was my HP who sent me back home here because my "spirit was born there" HP reminded me and so my spirit is where it is supposed to be.
You have a lot on your plate Andromeda...easy does it, turn it over, let go and let God. ((((hugs)))) In support.
Thank you guys. And, Jerry, yes, I do have a lot on my plate. Step parenting. New training for job. New boyfriend and trying to settle in to that life. I feel like an outsider and it's hurtful. That's it. Period. And, now, I think I'm heading to bed, lol! Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better.....
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(((Andromeda))) - I love that you allowed yourself to 'feel' the feelings....I love how you can identify that which you miss and that which you may not miss. So often, as we consider the past we have black/white feelings - it was all good and I want it back or it was all bad and I never want that again!!!
One of many gifts that recovery gave to me after step work was seeing all that had gone back exactly as it was - some insanity, some joy, some confusion, some elation, some good and some bad - but all needed to be to get me where I am today. One of my patterns is to try and chase 'that feeling' again. Whether it was the first date, the first birthday, the first car, the first drink, the first drug - I am a 'chaser'. I used to believe if I worked hard enough for it, I could recreate it.
I know now that each memory I have, good - bad - indifferent, all have their spot in my life and mind and each will never be repeated. Instead, I am to discover just for today what blessings await me in this moment. As much as I dislike modern technology and the replacement of 'real conversations', I do like it for keeping in touch. It just makes it so easy to reach out to a family member or friend and say what's in my mind/heart - I miss you today or Do you remember when.....
You are loved and you are valued! I am sorry you are missing family - maybe a vacation would help!!! Love the use of the program and tools to recognize that even dysfunction can be missed and that it's OK....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Ahhh,you hit the nail on the head. Being a 'chaser'. Yes, that is, to some degree, what I am doing. My bf was making a comment about a friend of his who is going thru a divorce and he said this man's ex wife was often discontent. She always wanted to move states, move to a new city, etc. He said it seemed like she just couldn't settle down and just be happy with 'what is', with a decent good husband and father who loved her. I remember, just a few months before he told us she filed for divorce, when she called him and told him how she did on her club tennis match. He was ecstatic for her and I sat there listening to his enthusiasm for her and how he built her up and I remember thinking, "aww, what a great husband. He's got the kids, gave her a weekend break for her to enjoy her friends and her tennis, and he's happy and excited for her. That's really sweet." From what I could see, I saw a man who loved his wife and who supported her and loved their kids,as well. He was born in India but raised here and was a hardworking stand up guy.....but she was constantly chasing something.....anything to quell the inner turmoil that she must have been feeling and I only say this that way because I can relate.
I was feeling sorry for myself in thinking the 'what ifs'....what if I wind up in the hospital and there's no family to come see me or tend to me or to say goodbye if I'm dying? My bf's family may be a group of dysfunctional alcoholics, but I know they'd be there for him no matter what.
But, I woke up and realized that his family would be there for me, too. I know, for a fact, that if I needed them they would be by my side. They've welcomed me into the family. I'm the one who's having trouble thinking I don't 'fit in'. His dad sent me a lovely text message last night thanking me for my cake, which he said belonged in a bakery it was that good, and for hosting the party so nicely.
And, yes, I do have a mini vacation planned to visit CO next month, but it will depend on whether I pass my tests over the next few weeks. So, I'm hoping I can still make the trip. My mom will be out there visiting, as well, and I sure could use a few moments with her, as well.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
{{{Hugs}}} It's hard when we see close families and ours is far away, or isn't close. What we want is so clear to us. But it sounds as if you thought it through and processed it in a way that's a model for all of us. I guess the up side is that it helps us treasure even the annoying parts of our families, lol! It sounds as if your bf's family is pretty warm even if they have some dysfunction. And as if they recognize your value and warmth. That's good going.
(((Andromeda))) - isn't it amazing how God refreshes our thinking, heart and soul while we sleep/rest? I always consider what a blessing and gift it is to wake up with a clean slate. I then get to decide if i dwell on what was or what might be or if I stay in today.....not always easy to do but I am so grateful for the choice given to me each and every morning.
So glad to hear that you have a trip planned. Also, glad to see that the BF's family has accepted you and embraced you. What a great text message from his dad - that's super cool!!! Dwell on what is good and working well as best you can. You know I'm praying for your upcoming test and your study sessions....(((Hugs sweetie)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am so sorry you are in a funk .. good news is this too shall pass .. I can't relate on the family stuff because I just don't have that kind of connection with extended family. I tend to get adopted by other people's families .. LOL.
Visits are always a good fix for a couple of reasons I can only be around my mom for short periods. So a week visit is all I need for about 5 years .. LOL. I'm glad you have that option and you are going to use it.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I hope you got out of your funk and better today. I'm now thinking....I don't have anyone anymore. I'm all alone. Makes me pretty sad right now. Like you I can't even go see my sister because of the drinking and DYSFUNCTIONAL way of life they lead. I go crazy after a few days staying there and have to go home. They don't understand why I leave so soon but I just tell them there is business at home. Thank you lord I still work.
Life is tough sometimes and you think WHY ME. Then I can sit down and think about others with so many difficulties and I can say I'm blessed for what I have.
It all comes down to taking care of me first so I can be there with confidence for others. I used to think I was being selfish but to be honest I'm not.
Take care and keep coming back because you are not alone.
HUGS
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Cathy, thank you so much for contributing to my thread. Nothing I am going through (my little ranting funk) is anywhere near what you are going through. But, with that said, I've been through a whole hell of a lot of sh*t in life as have most of us here. We all know sorrow, grief, loss, loneliness, fear, and yet we also know joy and happiness.
Yes, I'm out of my funk. Thank you again for being here.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
You need to let me know when your at a meeting and where and I will come and we can meet and visit for a while. I think to meet would be a nice thing to do. I am a loner most of the time but I told myself I need to quit my isolation and at lease take the time to meet you.....what a jerk I am.
HUGS
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
