The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am asking for help here, I have seen messages from other members talking about minimizing the terrible financial toll of an alcoholic spouse and I need some guidance!
My husband has been out of control with money for a while - pretty sure he is racking up a personal line of credit at the moment. Is it wrong to open the statement if it comes to our house? He claims he had to pay his lawyer an extra fee (another lie I'm sure)but I just want to know, not sure why I am so respectful about things. I guess it's better? :(
We have tried giving him an amount of money a week to spend on whatever he wants - he was taking cash advances off our credit card and charging bar charges like crazy. I am so angry. Then he beats me down with this "marriages don't separate finances" and tells me I'm so controlling.
He was supposed to leave his visa at home with the new "agreement" - and believe me, that was non stop punishment from him "oh I would love to pick up some groceries for you on he way home, but I am not allowed to use our visa and I don't have the money" (hello debit card!) - eventually it made its way back to being carried all the time and I was very upset. Now over the last few weeks we have had several slips with "oh I will stop carrying it"
The last few days hundreds of dollars on our visa in bar charges and cash advances.
I just went up to demand it from him (maybe not the best time) because he is home today from work sleeping because he is tired from all the drinking all week.
He said "I'm not going to get stranded somewhere, no, you can't take it" - he always uses this like "no way I won't have access to all our money if I need it in an emergency"
The visa is all in my name - I am the primary card holder so I can easily remove him, just fearing the storm of his anger and he is also very spiteful - I could see him inflicting damage with his own line of credit or withholding some money we are expecting.
Sorry this is so long, it is just amazing to finally have a place I can put all these terrible feelings with people who have been through it. I am so mad and I am so upset.
I am sick of him taking advantage of me and our finances. I make my own money - actually more than him and since last year I stopped putting all my money into our pot and only paying my half.
Sorry this is so long, thank you for listening.
I think my best suggestion and one I am carrying forward is I want control over MY finances meaning .. I would have my own account, my sig other would have their own account. Oh well about the marriage thing .. if he feels that strongly I would get a 3rd account that would pay all of the joint bills. That way I am not responsible for anyone else's finances except mine.
His account gets closed oh well NOT my problem and I am not controlling what he has because this is the amount I need in the joint account. In my mind it eliminates the issue of marriages having joint finances. Honestly I am minding my own business by taking care of my stuff without taking away from the actual bills. Now .. I would choose not to give my XAH access to the joint bank account for bills meaning it would be auto deposited in and no debit card for him. I would be auto depositing my portion there as well without the worry of there being any money shortages. I would do as much stuff as possible on auto so the money is in or out without to much sitting in that other account.
IF my XAH had recovery time that would be different .. in the meantime I need to have a place to live .. food on the table and the bills paid. What he does .. that's his own business.
One thing for sure I would always have my own money .. I learned the hard way depending on someone else for financial support is not the way to go .. and again these are my lessons that I learned the hard way.
I'm sure others will have some other suggestions .. money discussion is hard regardless if you are with an A or a non A .. it's a big factor in relationships breaking up. I just know I won't be tied in that way to another person .. that's not to say I can't have joint financial goals .. I don't know how to have that with someone who refuses to be rational about things.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I don't have too much experience in this area but I really feel for you. I don't know how people stay married to these human tornadoes (that's how I view an out-of-control A) and keep their sanity. I have very strong boundaries when it comes to money matters and at the first sign of financial shenanigans, I'd cut off his access to ALL of my money. There's just no way I'd let an A use my money and wreck my credit to feed his addiction. Especially if I made more than he does. Let him get his stuff together, or if we have to separate in order for him to do that - fine. But never a joint account again. I'd be done with that mess! In fact, I'd take his name off the Visa and put my money in a separate, private account - then if he wants to throw a tantrum about it and leave, that's his choice. You just might be killing two birds with one stone.
I feel for you, drinking at bars is much more expensive than drinking at home. Have you talked to your bank? I don't know if you can put a daily limit on what can be spent on a bank card. There must be inventive ways to manage a bank card and or accounts because parents give them to their children all the time. I am not married to my A, he is an ex-bf. He use to harass me if I did not give him money for drinking. The anxiety was awful. Good luck finding a solution.
Hi Vicki, I just want to share that having separate finances divided into His, Mine, and Ours worked very well in my marriage. We both understood that if I want to buy myself a pair of shoes, I shouldn't have to ask him, and vice versa. That is why it was great for the relationship to have separate accounts. Yet we needed to make sure basic household expenses, that benefit both of us, were covered. You do need to make sure you aren't at financial risk. I don't know if that means you open statements that come in the mail, but perhaps ask him about it and see how he responds and let that guide your next step.
We too have his, mine and ours. The bills get paid out of ours and then we each can spend/save/invest as we want to. I fully understand the 'spending craze' and thus the need for separate monies. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Of all the things that my XAH and I agreed upon, it was money. But, I was a finance professional when we met so that helped. We did combine our finances and he made good money so that was fine for us. But, one thing I do know is that his DUI and all the costs surrounding it definitely put a huge hole in our finances and really ticked me off.
I would suggest, if you work and contribute to the finances, that you keep separate spending accounts as others have suggested. Today, I don't think I'd ever combine money with another person. My bf and I have a joint checking account but we only set that up to prove that we were domestic partners so we could get on each other's health care plans, if necessary, in the future. We pay the bills together but I keep all my money separate and vice versa. We're both open about our accounts and we know how much each other has in the bank but that's where it ends.
I feel for you. My sister was married to a sex addict and he spent all their wedding money at strip clubs and, apparently, on hookers. She stayed married to him for 10 years as he went from one addictive habit to the next. And, all of it required him to spend their money. She could never get ahead. HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thanks for the advice everyone! I have definitely been pushing us towards separate finances over the past few years. I would have it completely separate if it was up to me, I guess he knows I am pulling away and he is very big on talking about how my actions "undermine a marriage" (funny coming from him). Either way, I'm pretty excited to be keeping all my money in my account this work season (above and beyond common bills) I felt guilty for so long. Currently he gets his own spending money, we both do, the problem was he is using our (my) visa which is for household expenses for alcohol and more money above and beyond. Yesterday I took the cash advances off the card for good, he begged me to let him have the card in his drawer. I said one more bar charge, no matter how small and he gets his own card and he is off mine. Small steps but I feel like its a win win either he stops or I get to take it away for good. I'm guessing it will be the latter. I can't even keep extra money in our joint account or he will take it out.
As for his line of credit - part of me thinks "whatever it's in his name, not my problem" but the other part of me thinks if I don't open the statement and confront him (he will lie unless I find out) that he really will max it out and it will still be our hole to dig out (even though it's in his name).
I am glad I am almost there. Makes me sick to think of how much money he has blown through over the years, but that's in the past now. Happy to have a fresh start.
