The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My little brother was a wonderful person, and an alcoholic. He passed away suddenly last November. He had lived with my alcoholic parents and took care of a lot for them...cleaning, yard work, etc. I have talked to my parents every day since he passed away, and I get very anxious when I call and leave a message (or messages) and they don't call me back. My mind immediately goes to the worst case scenario and I worry that they are both lying dead and here I am working, not helping them.
The other side of this is that I feel it is likely unhealthy for me to be talking to them every day, since I tend to feel angry when they are intoxicated or when they lie to me. (I am working on this.) So, I am trying to let it go today. But, I can't stop my stomach from knotting up and my head from spinning. I feel an obsessive need to call them again.
Is this insane anxiety typical of a person who is living with alcoholism?
Does anyone have tools they use to help with the anxiety?
Hello katiebug,
I am sorry for your loss. It is very normal to have anxiety when you have lost a love one to soon. I would really lean on my higher power and try to work on the 12 steps. It will help take your mind off of everything. You have to remember the three "C"s "you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you cannot cure it." Have you tried to find a sponsor or gone to any meetings? MIP has online meetings at 9 am and 9 pm. My A ex-bf was very sick a few months ago, and was in the hospital for 10 days, the support I got from Alanon really helped me through that. I hope everything gets better for you.
Anxiety is typical of dysfunction .. If anger is about the past .. Anxiety is about the future/unknown .. The present is where to find peace. I really encourage you to just focus on what is in the hear and now. I have to remind myself about things in terms of of there is nothing I can do about the situation right now then I gotta let it go. Worrying and fretting is a horrible way to live. I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much loss and worry. Big hugs.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Anxiety sucks. Mine is a cycle of stress and worry which kills my appetite which feeds the stress and worry which further removes the desire to eat. I have finally learned to stress on a full stomach. In no way is that to mean the reasons for the anxiety are not valid, far from it.
But i do know an anxious me doesn't eat, which doesn't help. Ditto for tired me. Angry,lonely me is the opposite: can't stop eating. Then get depressed, the opposite of anxious.
So, check your HALT status frequently not to cure but better manage the anxiety, because i think worry after loss is very natural.
Take care.
I too am so sorry for your loss. I also understand the anxiety. As Serenity points out, for me, anxiety tends to raise up when I am projecting or forecasting. As a result of this disease, most of my projections were negative and therefore just fueled the anxiety. When I can pause my brain, look around, realize it's 8am on a Friday, the sun is shining and God has the game plan, I can calm myself and let go some of that anxiety.
Like a4l - I cycle and have patterns that the program has helped me identify (more has been revealed). I tend to do my best with peace of mind by having consistent routines in my day. I try to start the same way and end the same way - program focused and fill in other needs/wants during. When I start to put other things in front of my program/recovery, my anxiety and patterns begin to resurface.
Be gentle with you and trust the process and program. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I add my condelences for your loss - you've experienced such a tremendous upset, and anxiety is a common result of trauma and change. Healing takes time, but time will bring at least a little perspective. The program helps me enormously with my own anxiety - I've been told that if I stand with one foot in the past (regret, anger, resentment) and one foot in the future (projection, anxiety, depression) I'm piddling on the present. It's true that when I'm anxious I don't get the pleasure out of other things - the worry makes me feel as though I do not deserve to enjoy the present.
I can't (don't??) always follow my own advice, but I find that if I manage to get out of myself the anxiety dispels. This is easier said than done, but if I can concentrate on something constructive - something as small as folding warm, nice-smelling laundry can be enough - my thoughts become more manageable and the know in my stomach eases. Working with someone else, going to a meeting or reading some of the program literature, caring for a pet, exercise, music, etc. have all had their place in helping me refocus and get out of a dark, distressing place.
Finally, I'll echo Iamhere. Do be gentle and kind to yourself...letting your HP take care of you and others may help you feel free of the responsibility to make everything all better right now. Baby steps are still steps.
You have my sympathy and prayers (((Hugs)))
__________________
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
((Katiebug)) , I am sorry for the loss of your brother and do understand the pain associated with losing a family member to this dreaded disease . Please be gentle with yourself, keep coming here and sharing because knowing that you're not alone and that there are others who understand as few others can is very helpful in the long run.
Al-Anon meetings and tools, such as, living one day at a time not projecting to the past and future helped me to cope with all the anxiety that surfaced after the death of my son.
Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. I have been going to in-person meetings since the end of December. I found that this forum is helpful for in between meetings. Reading others' posts and the responses to my posts helps me to calm down when my stomach starts to turn and my heart starts to race. I have been repeating the Serenity prayer a lot lately. I have also kept telling myself that I am not responsible for what my alcoholics do. But yesterday, I caved to my anxiety. I texted a dear friend who lives near my parents and asked if she would go check on them. She did, and all was well. I know it's not healthy, but I can't stop myself yet. I am hesitant to get a sponsor because I feel weird about asking someone. Also, actually working through the steps is a little scary to me.
Yes .. getting a sponsor is scary, asking someone for help is the WORST thing I have to do on a daily basis. When I ask for help I can better serve myself. One thing I know for sure I can't fix my own broken thinking with my own broken mind .. I have to have other people's perspectives to help me think differently about my own situation. I choose do I accept the words or do I find another way. No one chooses how I handle a situation for me. That is between myself and my higher power .. I can take what I like from posts and leave the rest. There is no pressure.
I promise you a sponsor is not going to tell you ok .. you now have to do this this and that .. I expect you to work the steps in 12 weeks .. boom .. end of story no excuses. :)
It is a gentle healing experience and yes, eventually you will get to the dreaded step 4 (which is as bad as it is in our own mind) .. people get stuck in the 1,2,3 waltz .. some people don't get to step 4 for many years other progress more quickly it's not about what other people do it's about what you do, how you are healing .. it's not anyone else's business how you get there.
As far as calling someone to check on your parents .. why feel guilty? You did what you needed to do to feel more calm in the moment. Maybe in 6 weeks you will have other coping skills to handle a similar situation in a different way .. until you know better how can you do differently?
Be gentle with you .. you are doing the best you can and change is always uncomfortable .. feel the fear and do it any way .. it's a feeling not a fact. :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
