The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
in despair. my partner/fiance has been sober 5 months. yesterday he broke into my phone and read my journal.
we've been down this road before. previously he broke into my computer, put in spyware, altered my contacts, then wrote to my ex boyfriend to try to replace some information he had deleted. he was all paranoid about me having contact with exes - which i did not - and then he created this situation where i wrote to my ex to apologize for the bizarre and inappropriate letter my ABF wrote to him. i found it invasive and damn embarrassing and infuriating. this was while he was probably having side effects from meds in an attempt at detox, but this kind of crap is normal in his world.
not in mine. i put passwords on my computer and private documents, like my journal.
for 3+ years, i have been understanding, supportive, forgiving, understanding, supportive, supportive, supportive. i have been financially and emotionally supporting him since he's been unemployed. we just started couples counseling. he has all kinds of support at the moment - individual therapy, couples therapy, psychiatrist, a sponsor, and an outpatient program with group sessions.
and he goes and does this. the irony is i am the one who is HONEST with him. he's the one who has lied to me.
he has two amazing children in college that have been different degrees of upset and alienated from him because they love him but he's been absent from their lives because he's so self-involved. i find this extremely difficult to watch.
i told him today i can't keep doing this. i look over the past 6 years and over 3 of them have been dominated by his dysfunction in one way or another. i've loved and supported but he's still behaving this way. i don't know how i can take care of myself while continuing like we've been. i feel like the writing is on the wall. i think he's been trying to sabotage us for a loooong time, but i've been able to detach and love him and i've continually tried to muster up hope for a future together.
but i'm not seeing it. i'm trying to be realistic and i know i need some space. i don't believe he will get healthy while i'm here making everything easier for him. i don't know if he'll get healthy at all, and i'm not signing up for a lifetime of struggle and a mother-child dynamic in my relationship.
my heart is breaking but i'm "crying uncle". i can't keep carrying his weight and i can't keep fighting HIS demons. they belong to him.
i hope i have the courage and clarity to follow through with this decision/ realization. because i do love the man and i believe he loves me. but i don't believe love is enough.
(((Junenine))) - so sorry for the pain you are having - I would also feel violated. I'm sending you (((hugs))), prayers and positive thoughts. When my mind and life feel out of control, extra meetings help me return to the journey I should be on!! Hang in there!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Your experience sounds a lot like mine and so I will reply with personal ESH. Please take what you like and leave the rest.
My experience is, I proceeded to marry a man despite all the troubles we had before I said, "I do." Ever denying, ever believing life was supposed to be "hard" (is a relationship a "good" relationship if it's such a struggle?) and ever perceiving the fantasy relationship I so wanted to see... I committed myself to him in marriage. And so I applaud your honesty with YOURSELF by writing out your true feelings in this wonderful post... this kind of honesty is how recovery for me began to blossom. My being honest with OTHERS about how they are disappointing me... yet they continue and continue and continue... I am the one who has to honestly see that as well....
....I can set "boundaries" all day long. (a boundary is a personal limit.) Others may not honor my boundary, I have experienced that a lot. Should I worry about others not honoring my boundary, fearful that my boundary doesn't matter and I don't matter.... or whether I myself am not honoring my own boundary...... ?
After twenty years into my marriage, after experiencing the roller coaster ride (the wonderful high-highs and despairing low-lows that today defines an addictive relationship to me after experiencing it...) I found myself crawling into the rooms of Al-anon like a true victim because of the terrible stuff he did in fact do... alcoholism is destructive to relationships. Once I began working the steps with a sponsor, I discovered my part... the role I had played in my own suffering.....
And I invite you to do the same because there is an absolute goldmine waiting for you whether you decide to stay in this or you decide to leave. Had I missed out on the lesson the Universe was offering me... I would have moved on and I would have repeated what I had always known, not knowing how to do any differently. Instead, I learned to avoid the trap I had fallen into and this is the miraculous gift of getting honest with myself through the inventory process.
I was told by an old timer in recovery and feel free to pass along....that if anyone in Al-anon or outside of Al-anon tells you to avoid your honest feelings... to run and run fast. It took me such a long time to get out of my denial and honest with myself... and it does not serve my recovery to surround myself with people who keep pushing me back into denial... away from my true feelings.... the goal is to surrender to the truth. Higher Power simply cannot work with me until I do.
Feel free to PM me with any questions.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 7th of April 2017 09:29:46 AM
(((2HP))) thank you so much for sharing. really. i've been attending meetings for over 2 years and i think the general result has been it's given me (yet) more compassion and understanding and patience for my partner. however... i am here, too. he pushed hard for engagement. at the end of 2014 i was talking to him about wedding plans - my father was very ill and i was thinking i wanted him to be there (another issue). anyway, it was at that time i learned for the first time of his relapse, which started slowly in 2013. he did 2 detoxes in 2015 that were not successful, then rehab that got him sober last oct 2016. so all plans were put on hold.
over those years, mountains of lies and deception while i tried to be a helpful and supportive partner to somebody with a disease. i, too, have a chronic disease, and have appreciated his lack of judgment. so it's a two way street, no?
the difference - i think - is i am honest (i know addiction survives through deception and it's part of the phenomenon), and i make efforts to manage my condition.
i am a mess. we are talking and he alternates between surrender and argument, and i've been crying for 2 days. all i know is something needs to change and i can't sign up for more of the same despite my love for him and belief that he is essentially a good, gentle, wounded soul. i feel unconditional love for him, and yet i suppose here i am attempting to inject some conditions.... trying to insert more of myself and MY needs into this picture.
i don't know how to move forward. i'm still and always concerned about his well being. i just want him to get resourceful without my assistance... like an adult. at the same time i don't want to pull the rug out from under him when he's working to recover and get job training for much-needed work.
went to 2 meetings yesterday, raised hand throughout, didn't get called on. felt invisible. so i really appreciate your response and your honesty about your experience. i'm working with a woman i think will be my sponsor, am reading lit, and i've just started step work. i saw red flags in this relationship and moved forward anyway. i had a ridiculous amount of faith and hope... believed the goodness between us would win the day. i still don't know if it's hopeless, just that i'm at a crossroads and that i feel worn out and exploited, weary and in need of space and rest.
You know personally .. lol .. and I will insert some opinion as well as suggestion .. you have a LOT going on and please give yourself more credit to be very gentle with yourself.
I was thinking about my relationship with my past partners and honestly there haven't been many since I seem to go straight into something without much thought, see red flags and somehow I see them as a big ol' welcome sign to come on in the water is great not to hot just perfect. LOL. Umm .. yah .. let me tell you how that's working for me .. it's not. My XAH I thought that I was going to remake my XAH into someone who was going to love me in spite of my character defects and honestly I wasn't fair to him or to myself. I picked someone who couldn't love themselves and expected them to love me whole.
Addiction is like a cockroach .. nuclear holocaust it will find a way to survive, .. believe me and trust me when I say .. these A's are not stupid people .. they are smart resourceful, one thing I constantly have heard around the tables is think about all of the brain power we have sitting around this table .. LOL .. we could rule the world and solve major issues if we stopped putting it into feeding the addiction. Addicts will survive believe it or not with or without us ... I have come to a big understanding I can love someone to death .. it's a slow painful death .. I can do it and ironically it's legal for me to do so. So really I think you are doing great finding a way to foster you and let him foster himself because it is like a black hole to fill that "God spot" fill in whatever word you need .. it's the weirdest place to try to fill with someone else it will never be enough .. finding ways to heal that and fill that yourself (I am known to say what are you doing to fill your own cup before giving to someone else) I found as I did that I was more able to really find a way to heal on different levels. I give much more grace to others and have trust for them to do the same for themselves.
He's going to do what he's going to do .. he's either going to recover or not .. you can't stop life from happening .. he has to learn how to deal with natural consequences of life. I don't remember standing in line getting a "life is fair" clause in my contract here on earth .. it just happens. It is great that he's working on getting better .. I guess my point is .. he doesn't need you to get better that's not your job. Your job is to take care of yourself and give him the trust, dignity and grace to take care of himself.
Interdependence is a wonderful thing in relationships .. regardless of if you stay together or leave .. there are 2 whole people participating in the growth and nurturing of the relationship. Dependence is a selfish aspect of co-dependency. It's the most passive aggressive way to try to control things for others. It's just not healthy for good growth.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi June, I was surprised to hear you went to 2 meetings and didn't have a chance to share. The meetings I attend are small enough that everyone could share, and we don't raise hands. I guess the etiquette is different in different meetings. So maybe look into other meetings, or just walk up to someone after the meeting and share that you have something in common with them, or ask the meeting secretary about how to get a chance to share. I love the tradition that in Alanon we are all equal, our leaders are but trusted servants. At any rate, you are doing a great job of sharing here, so keep coming back.
I so understand that fear and I often begin by putting my hand over my own heart to acknowledge this pain.... letting my heart feel what it feels (validating myself) and giving my own sympathy and saying, "I hear you, I am here for you."
Determine what would be the most compassionate, most nurturing thing you can do for YOU today and do it! my pain and suffering serves a purpose... calling for my own attention and love (the essence and energy of higher power)
It is not about making him into a "bad" person... that would be an illusion anyway since we are all God's Own. Just for today, your spirit is in need of your own attention, re-read your post and see all your concern going to him, perhaps you have made yourself invisible but you are NOT invisible, my friend. May I suggest you give YOU your full attention, your validation, your approval, and your love.... in great abundance today....
LET IT BEGIN WITH ME... LET (HEALING) BEGIN WITH ME
You don't have to be responsible for him today, only have the ability to respond to YOU and your very real needs, just for today ((hugs))
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 7th of April 2017 11:06:24 AM
I am sorry for the pain that you are currently going through. I am glad to hear that you have support for yourself at meetings and a potential sponsor as you are equally as important and deserving as your partner is. In my world unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable behaviour. Looking back at some of the things that I tolerated from my qualifier it is kind of shocking as I would never tolerate that from anyone else. My kindness, compassion, love and hope for her to be well got in my way of doing what was necessary for me at the time. No matter how much I wanted things to be different it simply wasn't until she was good and ready to do differently. In the meantime, I have focused a lot more on myself and my needs and have thankfully lost the obsession I had to try to fix everything.
(((SerenityRUs))) thank you, thank you, thank you. i love all you say and you say it so well. i'm in the thick of it all right now with more crisis just on the heels of more peace. i'm not used to this... it's this relationship that has brought addiction to my door. my bed, my heart, actually.
thanks, Freetime. yes - i'm in NYC and seriously sometimes it feels like half the city is in al-anon. some meetings are huge, some medium, some small(ish). i did talk to two women after not being able to share. hey, i don't even particularly want to share, just know i need to and am doing my best to trust the process of the program. fitting major crisis into a 3 minute share is a challenge. there's one weekly meeting i try to get to regularly that is smaller and where they go around the room and everyone shares. it's the only one i've seen work like that.
(((Serenity47))) yep. many thanks. like you, i've never tolerated this from anyone else. i have acknowledged - and felt - the futility of being lost in his battles/ issues/ demons... and losing sight of my own needs and wants.
"let go or be dragged", indeed. much appreciation for your words.
(((Junenine))) - sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts. So very sorry for 'all' that the disease brings. I just wanted to suggest that if you need to speak and don't get called on in a meeting, it's an option to arrive a little early and ask someone to speak with you one on one (or perhaps ask after?) Of course, not knowing how large your area is, you can also step out to another meeting location....
Keep trying new meetings, new tools and new self-care 'things' until it feels like something you need/enjoy/like. Small steps, one moment at a time - that's how it worked for me. As far as your partner goes, my best suggestion is someone asked me if I could live, survive and move forward if I knew nothing around me was going to ever change or improve. I consider myself a strong person and a survivor, so after some thought I said, "Yes".
The next suggestion I got - Act as if that's your truth. It applies today, and just act as if that's how it will be for now, maybe for always. That gave me the courage to mourn my dreams of what I thought life would be like, gave me the courage and strength to stop wanting/believing/hoping for change in others and gave me the strength to focus on me and put me first.
I am not selfish - I just get up in the morning and do what I need/want to do. I carry on with my day. I do for others as desired with no expectations. I make plans as if I'll be alone or with friends. I needed extra pushes to learn how to put me first and that simple question really helped me separate myself from my loved ones and from the disease.
You are not alone!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((IamHere))) thank you yet again. i love those suggestions. they are along the lines of what i've been thinking, though i'm still considering them all and don't have any clear conclusions yet. but they express so well what has been on my mind....
i am lucky to have wonderful friends and also be in NYC, where there are about a zillion meetings. most meetings i've been to are really good. sometimes it truly feels like half the city's population is in al-anon. so i'm grateful. and grateful for member/friends like you, willing to share your experience and insight so freely and wonderfully. many thanks.
we actually had another crisis this morning that was pretty dramatic, but i feel grounded and sane. i'll take that as a sign that i'm on the right path. all the best to you for a peaceful rest of the weekend.
