The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last Staurday, the people I live with went to a wedding. As some of you know the husband's mom lives here and has dementia. In lieu of rent I take care of her while they are gone out to work, dinner, etc. The wedding was at 5. But that morning, they both got up showered and got ready and the woman informed me "we are leaving at 12:30". (They spent the day out doing whatever before the wedding.) And I'm like "oh...okay', but in my head I'm thinking thanks for letting me know. Everything I do I let them know ahead of time. In my opinion, that is being considerate. Problem is I don't know how to respond when things like that happen. It's not like I can make them stay home. these people are not just housemates, I consider them family, but this is one of the issues I deal with regularly, and not sure how to get my point across that I would appreciate some notice about this kind of stuff.
-- Edited by Marie71 on Thursday 6th of April 2017 04:12:51 PM
How about "I'm more than happy to stay here with your mom whenever you need me to. But for planning purposes, I'd like to get [x amount] of notice about the days and times you'll be gone. That will help me make sure I'm here when you need me." That last bit shows them how it will benefit THEM to give you more notice, which is likely to make them more cooperative.
Sounds difficult Marie. That would bug me too. Keep up with your meetings and recovery readings. We teach people how to treat us, and the care role is the most unappreciated and exploited in my view. The gray area of care in exchange for rent needs sharpening.
How you do that, i don't know exactly, but knowing what you want and having the calm confidence to express it without fear of the outcome is part of recovery. As dear Betty lovingly used to remind me, it is progress we seek over perfection. I hope you have a nice day!
I got the old feeling of being taken for granted which I came to own because my inventory showed me that I most often brought myself to that condition of being overly
responsible and rarely ever saying "no" except to myself. I put myself out for the alcoholic and then with royal expertise included everyone else in my life. Of course I then became a master at and of resentments justified or not. One of the things that helped me tremendously was learning that "NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE" and then I started surprising people with it. See how that works and keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Makebelieve- I have asked before for notice. I guess I have to remind them.
a4l and Jerry- saying no is hard for me as I am afraid of their reaction. Definitely need to work on it.
I have however, started backing off on suggestions when it comes to MIL's care, and some other things, when they are here. Staying out of it is helping me, but I can tell my friend notices a difference in me which seems to be annoying her.
(((Hugs))) - If you feel it would help, perhaps try an open dialog regarding expectations. My best suggestion is if it comes to that, use I statements vs. You statements. Examples - "I would greatly benefit from xx notice or as much as possible when you will need my care."
Living with others is difficult. Living with others with special needs is more difficult. Living peacefully for me only happens when I can be true to me.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Maria, I agree with IAH, opening a dialogue, and talking things over and reasoning things out should help in the situation. You are not being unreasonable in what you require and it would be for the benefit of all concerned if a healthy boundary was established.
