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I went to my first meeting last night, it was great, everyone was so kind. I was reading the detachment paper, and it says don't prevent a crisis if it is the natural order of events. Here's the thing, I an not with my A, but because many of my issues (control, people pleasing) have carried into my relationship with the people I live with. Can this concept apply here? There was an issue this morning that I could have jumped in and helped (or rescued, hmmm?) because something didn't happen the way she wanted it too. I struggled with thinking should I ask if she wants help, or let her deal with the consequences due to poor planning and having the expectation things would go exactly as planned.
Hi Marie 71, congratulations on your first meeting! For me, because I'm a co-dependent, I use detachment and I do not prevent anothers' cris in all my relationships. I choose to not offer my help and if someone asks for my help I may or may not, my decision is based on my motives and my serenity.
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- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
Is poor planning a habit with this person? If so, I'd definitely let her deal with the consequences because otherwise she's never going to see the light. That's definitely something you can borrow from AA! And if you think your impulse was to control or people-please (rather than to simply be kind), then I'd pull back.
-- Edited by makebelieve11 on Wednesday 5th of April 2017 12:30:41 PM
I qualify that statement with am I doing something someone can do themselves? Have they asked me for my help? I'm not a mind reader .. what may be normal behavior for them may look like they need help and honestly it's just how they spin on a regular day. My need to control is it because I am not comfortable with what is going on .. there are many different situations that I feel I need to control because I know best .. LOL .. well look at me trying to fix a situation for someone else or myself with my own broken thinking. OR .. I'm not comfortable because this is a trigger of sorts for me.
Once I step back and watch my own behavior and responses I am better off in coming up with my own decision.
The other thing I look at is .. am I helping because I think I'm going to get something back such as a good girl statement .. if I am looking for approval then I really need to take a step back and figure out why I am trying to please someone to my detriment.
Congrats on your meeting that is soooo awesome!!
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks everyone for your ESH. She does have a tendency to bite off more than she can chew. She will often make decisions and not count the cost (for herself or those around her). She can also be 'oh well, we will deal with it when it happens'. Me wanting to help was more about me seeing her stressing, and feeling like maybe I should help. But she didn't ask. It did work out in the end, though. I'm just trying to learn when to help, when not to etc. and trying to determine if my help is out of people pleasing or control. Seems like it can be hard to navigate that sometimes.
Hi Program tools can be usued in all relationships and help to smoothe communications. Asking if someone needs help is much differnt than juping in givng advise, or takiing over the task. Congrats on your first meeting and obtianing the literature. You are on your way the way
I too send 'way to goes' to you for getting to your first meeting! I am glad that you felt welcomed and hope you return. I struggled often with 'being of service' vs. people-pleasing/enabling/etc. and just use the program on a case by case basis. What I've learned in to put me first, and explore my motives in times like this. You're doing it - you are considering if you want to please, control or truly just help. I have not found any cut/dry answers on this in my relationships so just pause and consider what makes logical sense.
Keep coming back!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
