The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We all know, experience and hear how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease is.....For me, yesterday was an interesting day. I say interesting instead of maddening, sad, crazy, insane as it was all that and then some. I'll be as brief as I can - nobody likes to read long, long posts.
My oldest son who moved back here taking a break from his baby-momma decided he was moving out. This decision was made about 1-2 weeks ago, and he went and got an apartment and was planning his move for yesterday. I've been distracted about this and feeling a bit 'used' again as he expressed his desire to stay for approx. 1.5 years to finish school and save money and focus on his kids, life, saving $$, etc. I just kept talking about it, praying about it and working to accept what is.
So - yesterday arrives, it's raining, he's packed nothing and the van is dead (battery) and he's just grumpier than usual. As you all can imagine, it was exactly as it would/should be when you've not adequately packed or prepared for a move. Chaotic, hysterical and a bit insane.
Once things got thrown into the van and he took off with his buddie to off-load, I was planning to rest/read for a bit. Snuggling comfortably on my couch, reading a good book, I hear something at the door. Needless to say what I thought was a teenager taping a flyer to my door ended up being my youngest child....I did not recognize him - haven't seen him in 4+ months, and he is beyond a mess.
He was driving (without a license and insurance) and said he was hungry, so I fed him. He asked for money and I said No. He said he might run out of gas, I said OK. I made him leave and did not want to be alone with him under the influence as he's an angry young man and more so under the influence.
I offered detox, he declined and said straight up that he can't quit and will probably die. I had no response except to shake my head in agreement. He of course doesn't realize the changes I see in him - he looks like a dead man walking....literally. If he weighs 100 lbs, I'd be surprised. I'm a little bit above that and he makes me look plus sized for reference.
After he left, my AH was upset that I did not 'make' him go to treatment, detox, other. I just kept my mouth shut as nothing good was going to come out - either mean or negative and my mind was spinning.
So - last night was difficult - I did a ton of praying and talking it out and concluded that beyond offering rehab/detox, I'm truly powerless. We've done everything before - many times over - this boy has moved so many times it's not even possible to count. It made me truly sad for him and my anger/hatred for the disease is very strong right now.
This morning, as I was working on laundry for my son, and the bedding, etc. from the room he was in here, I found drug paraphernalia....Lesson learned for me - no matter how hard we work this program and gain tools, knowledge, etc. the disease is still around, ready to raise up, destroy, confuse and more. I've been on the phone with my sponsor this morning and that was before I found the latest.
I am angry at this disease - it's taken so much from me and all of us and just keeps taking. I would love a miracle wand that allows me to waive it and cure my children. Talk about a fantasy thought....so - I am back to basics and just wanted to share that life is hard at times and certainly far from fair.....however, I still find gratitude that I've got a program where I can lean in, hold on and get to the other side - unknown outcomes and all. I am again at a point of accepting this disease may not stop until it takes my son's life - very, very tough pill to swallow.
Thanks for letting me share - (((hugs))) to all and I will take any/all prayers you have to give for my son.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hugs .. you are so lucky to have so much program behind you to see what is and is not fixable. It's so hard to watch children struggle at any age. When they were younger it was kiss the owie and move on. When they are older the hurts get harder.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I so know how painful this is. I'm sorry. Your mothers heart hurts and wants to fix but there's no fixing or helping. Can I suggest listening to aa speaker recordings on you tube it gives me a lot of hope for my son. Some of these people take themselves to the brink before finally surrendering. He's got his higher power even if he doesn't know it. He could be destined for great things and this is a necessary part of the journey. He had a fantastic example in you and that's about the best we can give sending you my prayers tonight your not alone x
(((IamHere))) - I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through right now. Reading your words makes my heart break. You are so strong into your program(s) and have such a strong faith in your HP....it will see you through.
My prayers go out to you and especially your sons as they travel their journey.
Thank you for sharing and continuse to take good care of you.
Ellen
-- Edited by El on Tuesday 4th of April 2017 03:41:37 PM
((((IAH))) so sorry that things are so difficult right now and just sending prayers and healing thoughts for you and that your sons' are guided by HP to the stairway.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Tuesday 4th of April 2017 04:24:17 PM
Thank you all for your support (((MIP family))). I am processing and working to get beyond this and it's so, so true that when it's your kids, you want to fix it and take away the hurt - *sigh*.
I did snap photos of the things my oldest son left behind and send them with no words in a text message to him. While I am truly disappointed in his recent choices/actions, we did actually have a conversation. This is hugely different than our normal where they deflect, deny and yell at me for snooping/finding it (the @#$% was in his laundry)...
I have to remind myself that it's OK to hate the disease. I also hate cancer, diabetes, heart disease, ALS, etc. I am where I am supposed to be - and while it's not a fun place and truly painful, I am hopeful for a lesson to be learned on the back side.
El-Cee - I do like listening to AA speakers - there is tons of hope to be had/heard. In October, I'll have 30 years sober. So - when I got sober, all that 'was' was beer, wine and hard liquor. All the 'newer things' - flavored vodka, wine coolers, domestic beers, etc. - came out after I got sober. I can say that commercials at times make me wonder what they taste like - we all know those commercials make it all appear so glamorous and fun...
When I was the same ages as my boys, I was fearless and willing to do/try anything someone offered or put in front of me. I fully 'get it' and know in my head they have to have their own journey. It is my heart that wants to 'help' them avoid some of the pain/agony I endured before recovery. This has always been the hardest part of the disease and recovery - when my brain/heart are not aligned - it feels like an internal tug of war.
It always helps to share and to keep processing (for me). I don't do well sitting on things - it magnifies and amplifies in my head. I do know that in this moment on this day, I and they are OK. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Iamhere))...so sorry for the pain you feel, so glad you have the resources you worked so hard to put into place. The two may not always balance out completely, but it is inspiring to hear how you use them. You are in my thoughts and prayers...
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks Paul.....well - the good news is he's in jail. He got arrested last night. He has not called me as he knows my boundary. He has reached out to his brother and father. If he gets bailed out of jail, he has no place to go...One day at a time...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks all - I so appreciate the support and prayers. I'm putting my faith in God to lead me where I need to go. I did sleep well and it sounds truly insane to others that don't understand the disease but I am always grateful when they are active and land in detox, jail or treatment....I at least know they are safe, confined and perhaps drying out.
(((Hugs))) to all...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I completely understand where you are coming from .. at least they are safe from themselves for the time being. Hoping that he finds his way to less pain.
This is really good news in the long run.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
That would be my 'hope' - that this is good news.....I've stopped taking the calls from jail, just for today - he's detoxing and it's crazy....we have been trying to retrieve his items from his 'home' and are getting stonewalled by the other tenants. I believe we may have to ask for police assistance.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iamhere,
I am sorry you are going through this. I have been in jail and gone through withdrawals. It was probably the best thing that could have happened to me at the time. It was the beginning of my recovery, that was 14 years ago. I am praying for you and your family. You are such a strong person. I am glad you are here.
I send my heartfelt prayers to you and your sons. The insanity of this disease is maddening. May your almost 30 years of sobriety be a beacon of light for your sons when and if they become ready to recover. We never really know when someone is going to be ready to change what they are doing. I know that I have seen some pretty remarkable turnarounds in some of my extended family members whom everyone had all but given up hope on. ((IAH))
Thank you all for the continued support and prayers. Just for today, I'm going to breathe and do 'my thing'.....I am grateful for the local support I have through recovery and also MIP. It's chilly here but the sun is finally supposed to be out loud and proud! That will help my mood - so tired of rain and cloudy skies.
(((Hugs))) to all and I ask that any who pray please continue to do so for my family and my son!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((IamHere))) i am so sorry you're going through all of this with your beloved sons. your strength and recovery are evident. you and your family are in my prayers.
Thank you Junenine for your support and prayers. As nobody has posted bond for him, he's been moved from the holding place to the county jail. He is detoxing cold turkey in jail and not in the best mood. He's suggested he doesn't want visitors so we'll see how that goes.
It may sound strange, but I am at peace. A part of me is grateful that he's in jail and not dead. Another part of me is also glad that he's only got misdemeanor charges instead of felony. His court date is in a month and we have no plans to bond him out.
I would rather many other paths for him, but know because of this program that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sending prayers for peace Iamhere. You're a good, loving, strong mother.
I'm glad he got a little shake without major harm done and is detoxing, like it or not. Penetrating that wall of "not my fault my life is chaos" is something we loved ones can't do, which feels like a travesty TBH but is part of a far greater plan, at least thats what i tell myself when facing the insanity of this disease in those i love. Sounds like he's getting a protective nudge. Take good loving care of you today.
Aloha kaikua`ana (sister in Hawaiian speak) your program is pono (good...strong and righteous) and if you listen closely you can hear the chants of encouragement I send from Hilo. You know your stuff and are a blessed source of recovery to this board and by assumption to those who you help up there at home. What seems soooo insane is that while this is going on it hasn't taken you down as some might expect at times. I listen and while I don't like imagining the pilikia (trouble) it is bringing you I have to smile that it bumps into a mountain of recovery and HP relationship.
Compassion for him. I wouldn't be back there for all the promises of happinesses I once thought would come from the seemingly magical power the chemical relationship had with me and my wives and children and friends. For now it is over for you and for me and us. Thank you HP to teaching me that insanity was a choice. ((((A hui ho))))
Thank you dear MIP family! I so appreciate the support, love and prayers - I do feel it....I feel it to my core. I truly do not have words to describe where my head is, just for today. I have slept very, very well the last few nights knowing that he's in a controlled environment. I believe that today, it's hit me that we are again at a turning point, and while I remain hopeful he can learn from this, I am responsible for what I learn and do. This is so, so, so hard - as a mom/parent.
A part of me (today) really wants to bond him out and 'save him'. This is what's in my heart as my heart sees the little sweet boy he was before the disease took hold. My program, HP and brain says, and then what? He has no place to live. He has no job. He has pending court cases they may result in consequences. You and he will sit around and stare at each other in a waiting mode. Urgh.......
I was reminded today from my sponsor that I've worked hard in my life to overcome my addiction/issues and to have a peaceful existence in a safe place. Child or not, I don't have to sacrifice anything for another person. That's not what God would want. God wants us to be of service to others, but not at the expense of our own sanity/serenity/peace. Sounds simple but feels kind of selfish.
I know my thinking is 'in jeopardy' as I am going to visit on Monday. I did tell him that I will help him (contact lawyers, collect his belongings, store his items, etc.) but I will not visit and tolerate him begging me to bond him out. We shall see how it goes. When the substances are removed, he's actually a very sweet man, and I hope that's who I get to see/visit on Monday. He is beat up (his mug shot looks pitiful....makes my heart hurt), and hopefully he'll be on the mend physically too.
So - I'm a bit distracted by the disease tonight and I am grateful you all are here. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers! (((Hugs))) to all...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm sorry to read about what you are going through Iamhere. I hope your Higher Power gives you the strength to get through it a day at a time and that your son's Higher Powers have their backs as well. So difficult to see our children at the mercy of this dreadful disease.
Thanks all.....one moment, one day at a time - that's really all we each have, no matter our challenges.... It is so very helpful to share with others who truly understand and can offer unconditional support when needed!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks all for the support and the hugs....as I was driving to the county jail, I was so very sad for Cathy's news here. Of course, it could have been my son just as easily - their paths are very similar. Had I not already told him I was coming, I would have turned around and headed home. It was a difficult visit as we all know this - there are no words.
Visitation is a bit less than an hour and he wants to be bonded out and I'm holding my ground/boundary. Yet, a part of me sees the little boy I gave birth to 23 years ago, and the sweet toddler God gave me full of smiles and grace. I don't see what is now in front of me - an adult who's been to hell and back because of this disease.
I have already asked my older son to visit for his 2nd visit this week. He has agreed to do so. I can't do it again and pretty much told him that. A part of me does feel 'cold', 'mean' and distant and that's a hard pill to swallow. I wish there was a magic word, phrase, comment, etc. that I could share that might help him want to live but I have not found it (yet).
He's in 'medium' as he's already been to prison. He says it's scary and it's loud and it's hot. He is still full of blame for others and angry at me for not getting him out. I am taking it easy today as that seemed to be the right move, just for now.
I've said it a million times and I'll repeat it - I love my son....I hate this disease!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I hate this disease, too, my friend. Sending loving thoughts and hugs your way! I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. Agreeing with Betty, sometimes it's a very painful road we travel.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thanks Ladies.....I want an 'easier softer way'....I guess God's got other ideas!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
