The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find myself struggling not to respond with anger when my alcoholics lie to me about various things, but especially drinking. I have only been going to al-anon meetings for a few months, so I guess it's not too surprising that my reactions haven't changed yet. I do my best to at least not snap at them when I talk to them and know they are lying. Sometimes I slip though. I snapped at my mom today when she called me. I could tell she had been drinking and she was pointing out my dad's drinking. Now, I am feeling guilty about my snap.
Does anyone have a technique to help not feel as angry?
I really try to remember whatever crazy behavior is not about me .. I have really been applying QTIP .. Quit Taking It Personally. When I am expecting someone to live up to unrealistic expectations and as sad as this is .. an active A not lying is a completely unrealistic expectation .. I have to learn to let it go.
Slogans seriously help me .. the first step I am powerless over .. fill in the blank .. pick a noun. I am powerless over other people's lying .. I am powerless over blah blah blah .. and then I flip it .. I am powerful over my reactions to these situations, I can choose my reactions and I have the right not to have the answer right this second. That means it is ok for me not to respond that second.
I hope that helps keep going to meetings and REALLLY hope you get a sponsor.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks so much! I really like the slogan idea. Maybe I am at the point where I just need to keep reminding myself that the lying is expected and that it has nothing to do with me. I hope I can eventually get to the point where I don't feel angry.
My technique is to inventory myself. If someone is lying to me, why does that make me angry? What is my responsibility to myself and my own recovery when situations like this occur? Am I reacting or responding to another person. If I'm seething with resentment inside, I'm reacting.
It great if I'm not showing it on the outside but if my insides don't match, I have work to do on my dis-ease. My hp and my sponsor are my guides for that program work. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 3rd of April 2017 03:43:05 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hi All, great shares and just what I needed today!
Katiebug76 I struggle with this as well (fairly new to Al-Anon) and still struggle with the lies. It's too intertwined for me right now, but I am slowly learning. Be easy on yourself. Someone early on in the program said "do you know how an Alcoholic is lying? Their mouths are moving" ha! While lying is serious, this helps me to remember that it is part of the disease. I have stopped asking my qualifer about if he's drinking, where is he (drinking), etc. Then I don't have to hear the lie. That's MY boundary. It doesn't always work--- I have my moments obviously, but it helps me to keep my head from spinning. (((hugs)))
Letting go of expectations and moving into acceptance is a process . Be gentle with yourself you came here shared , now forgive yourself and let go and let God
I can relate to the instant frustration with the lack of truth - even when it's sitting in the room - between me and my qualifier.....I have practiced using the pause - as long as necessary - just to remind myself I am powerless over EVERYTHING about another - words, actions, deeds, other. I still react at times and forgive myself for being human.
When I can see my fault in an exchange, I do make amends as best I can. It's not for them, it's about me cleaning up my side of the street. It's a process and I'm so grateful we're told to focus on improvement and progress and not perfection!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi katie, When I first started Alanon and did not know many slogans, I printed out the full version of the Serenity Prayer and taped it around my house. I even carried a copy of it in my purse. I would read it when someone was causing me anxiety and I did not want to get mad at them or argue. You cannot change other people, but you can change how you react to them. I don't know if this will help, but it was a great first step for me.
God, grant me the Serenity To accept the things I cannot change... Courage to change the things I can, And Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will. That I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.
-- Edited by shrnp on Monday 3rd of April 2017 08:02:46 PM
For me I have learned to not ask the question on if they were drinking as I already knew that they would chose to lie to may over telling me the truth. I know this is very hard thing not to do,....I get it, grew up in the disease and married an A.
One thing I learned is that it's ok for us to have different versions of reality. I always knew he was lying through his teeth and I would go through great measure to prove just how right I was and how I knew the truth and how stupid he was for lying to me. But, you know what? He truly believed his lie. He wasn't capable of the truth and I just wasted all my energy and emotional health for what? To prove I was right when he wasn't going to buy into it anyway.
So, what I learned was that it was OK for me to know the truth for myself. To accept the fact that alcoholics lie. And, to face the fact that he was probably never going to have the same truth as me.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
