The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We have been together almost four years, married for two. I'm a social drinker but she likes to drink every day. She very rarely gets drunk usually restricting herself to one or two glasses of wine after work. When she does drink to get drunk she drinks a lot. After an especially vicious hangover last Thanksgiving eve which ruined our annual excursion & cost a huge uninsured medical bill (long story I don't want to go into now) she told me she would never do that again & asked me to help her control over drinking. A few months later (just a few weeks ago) we were at a party & both lost track of our drinking which resulted in an almost as catastrophic hangover for her again. She told me repeatedly she needs to give it up altogether. But after a week or so on the wagon she decided she could handle the occasional drink as before. Last night it all came to a head. She was returning from a work trip telling me she would be home around 7. She walked through the door just before 9 & I could tell something was wrong. Though she is amazingly functional when drunk I've learned over the years to tell when she is intoxicated very easily. She had a look on her face I've never seen. It was ominous. We sat down together & she proceeded to tell me she had been drinking since 3 starting at the departing airport bar, concluding at our home airport bar for an hour and a half after arriving. As badly as she wants to see me after being away she delayed coming home so,she could drink more though she was already blasted. The volume of drinks was staggering. If I drank half that I would be sick as a dog for an entire day. Seeing the look of horror & concern on my face she burst in to tears (she is not a crier) saying she had to stop once & for all but she doesn't want to.
Some background on her - she grew up with alcoholic drug abusing parents. Her entire family's lives revolve around drinking. She began drinking at the age of 13. She rarely goes a day without at least one drink but she has gone weeks without a drink at times. She told me the thought of not drinking feels like a death in the family. She can't imagine her life without drinking. When we go to an eatery that doesn't serve she feels a great loss. It makes her upset, frustrated & downright angry. I can't empathize at all. I don't understand it. Growing up Mormon I never even tasted alcohol until in my thirties. The culture of drinking is largely lost on me.
I dont know what I should do. I love this woman more than anyone I have ever known. She is the sweetest most amazing person I have ever known. We are so happy together. Last night to hear her say that I don't deserve to be with someone that acts like this broke my heart. She spoke of leaving me if she can't get her drinking under control. If I lose her I will be wrecked. I offered to quit drinking with her but she was adamant that I not because she would feel too bad about it. Should I try & talk her in to counseling or AA? Should I make her commit to never drinking again? The thought of that makes me feel awful. It seems like there should be a way for her to once again become a moderate social drinker.
I appreciate any & all observations, suggestions, advice & commentary. Thanks for reading my overly long & laborious post.
Welcome Lucas, I'm glad that you found us and had the courage to reach out and share with such clarity and honesty. Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic disease for which there is no cure and over which we are powerless.
Living with and interacting with the disease causes many of us to develop negative coping tools in order to survive in that environment. AA is a recovery program that is recognized that will help alcoholics who are interested in stopping.
Al-Anon is the program for family members who have lived with the problem and need support and understanding in order to go on. Al-Anon has face-to-face meetings that are held in most communities and the hotline number can be found in the white pages.
In Al-Anon I learned to break the isolation caused by living with the disease, by attending these meetings, I also picked up some very helpful constructive tools to live by . These included learning to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, not to project to the future nor live in the past and to most importantly to accept that I was powerless over people places and things.
By attending meetings and working the program, my self-esteem was restored and I was able to interact in a healthier fashion in my relationship. I understand you love your partner and are anxious to be supportive. Al-Anon gave me the tools to achieve that goal.
Please keep coming back here as well. There is hope and help
I just want to say hugs, it's so tough. I have been married 6 years myself, and it was so crushing for me when I realized that the red flags that I brushed off earlier in my relationship/marriage were actually a full blown problem that we would have to deal with. No great advice for you, it's good you're reaching out!
Lucas Buck, Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Alanon and AA both use the 12 step program. The first step is that "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." Working the twelve steps and getting support with other people like ourselves help us to better take care of ourselves. We can also develop coping skills that we can use to form healthier relationships with the ones we love. Sometimes we also need to set boundaries that might include having your loved one get some kind of help for their disease. By encouraging them to get help, we can try to keep the insanity out of our own lives. It also makes them responsible for their behavior. It is hard to get started but Alanon is a great program. Keep coming back, glad you are here.
-- Edited by shrnp on Thursday 30th of March 2017 03:10:47 PM
welcome, Lucas Buck. i can relate. glad you've found this group. her words, history and behavior certainly *sound* like she is an alcoholic - if she is, then moderate drinking will not work for her, and she will be unable to commit to not drinking again unless she admits she has a problem and seeks some kind of help. but of course, this is a general impression based on what you share.
ultimately, it's on her to decide what to do about her drinking and her life. i'm sorry you're going through this in your relationship. my partner was sober when i met him (i am a very moderate social drinker, total lightweight). he began a slow relapse a couple years later. at one point he convinced me (and himself) that he might be able to drink moderately because the circumstances of his life had changed from what they were when he last had a problem with alcohol. suffice to say, i had a feeling this was doomed from the outset, but i am not him, i didn't know him as a drinker, i couldn't say definitively that he's an alcoholic, and he's a grown man. the moderate drinking experiment, as we call it, did not end well... he sank to a new low in his latest relapse and is still digging out from the consequences he created. he just about took me down with him.
in al-anon, people don't give advice. we share our own experience, strength and hope. even though i've been attending meetings for a couple years, i am still a beginner.
i encourage you to try a meeting because you will find so much experience and wisdom there, and you will find people who have been in very similar situations to what you describe. you are not alone.
Welcome and I'm glad you have found us. Like you I grew up in a family that didn't have much experience with alcohol so I was a total newbie when I met my ex, and it took me a long time to figure out the things I needed to know about alcohol. You have saved a lot of time by looking into it much faster than I did!
The unfortunate thing about addiction is that there is no returning to "moderate consumption" for the addict. If they could do that, they would have done it already. For people with a certain kind of brain chemistry and experience, alcohol produces a compulsion to drink that just doesn't let up. The only way for them not to take the second drink is not to take the first one.
I can see how your wife's experience makes her wary about living life without alcohol. She doesn't have any adult experience of navigating life without it. Eating, being with others, getting through the day - they're all intertwined with drinking. Many drinkers have been in that position and have had to rebuild their lives almost from the ground up.
The thing about all our addictions, whether to alcohol, drugs, eating, gambling, or to people, is that we only make a change when the consequences of not changing are worse than the consequences of changing. Sadly that is something that only the addict can decide on. If there were a way for other people to convince them to take that step, we would have found it by now. The other thing to be aware of is that statistically speaking, the majority of people do not take that step. Statistically speaking, the chances that she will continue drinking are greater than that she will find sobriety. I just say this because I put my life on hold waiting for the switch to flip and my husband to stop drinking. He went into recovery a few times, but it never lasted. The switch never flipped. Finally after too many years of chaos I realized that I had to make my decisions and live my life with the expectation that the drinking would continue. I fought against this like crazy, to the point where I was denying reality almost as much as he was. I thought my life would be over if I accepted the way it was, just as he thought his life would be over if he gave up alcohol. But finally I did accept reality and although it was very sad, it was better than living a life of frantic denial.
Many people who give up waiting for their A's to quit stay with them and learn new ways of living with 'detachment with love' (meaning that the A's bad moods and unhealthiness don't make us moody or unhealthy); others move on and separate from their A's. There is no one right path. I hope you'll stick around, read the threads, find a face-to-face meeting, get the literature, take good care of yourself, and keep coming back.
Aloha Lucas and welcome to the board I also was married to an alcoholic/addict and was born and raised in the disease also. it is not a good way to be born and then it was what it was. I was enamored of my alcoholic/addict wife and not as enamored as she was of alcohol and drugs and I had to save my soul and sanity. It was the 2nd time I was married to an addicted woman and later came to understand I didn't know anything about what was trashing our lives. I came into recovery for me and she continued to use and drink eventually finding her own sobriety in AA. I have been sober for 38 years and in both programs, AA and Al-Anon and my life could not be better than it is today.
I found out as much as I could about the chemical alcohol and the consequences of being addicted to it including college courses. I did much more however just knowing about this powerful insane disease and the chemicals that fuel it shed a lot of light and understanding on what we were going thru. I learned empathy, compassion and understanding for anyone and everyone (drinker and those affected...family) who has been affected as we have.
I would suggest that you find and take with your wife the AA test...its a qualification test that if you get three questions/answers right you need to see help. There is no embarrassment because ours is an AMA sanctioned disease with a compulsion to drink and an allergy to alcohol which if not arrested with total abstinence can become fatal (often the case). There is much more to the description of this disease and I will leave finding that out for you and your spouse. I will help if you ask...In support. ((((hugs))))
Welcome, Lucas; glad you're here. Many good things already shared above to which I add my voice. AlAnon helped me a great deal when I was wrestling with some of the feelings and questions you described, and continues to help to this day.
I hope you are able to make time to check out some of the things mentioned, I believe they could be very helpful...hang in there
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
You all are so wonderful. Thanks so much for all the love, understanding & support. Just got back from a combined AA alanon meeting which was enlightening to say the least. I was inspired. My wife not so much. She is still in denial thinking she can have a drink here & there without issue. After tonight I feel she is an alcoholic. Maybe not the worst kind but still. In any case I'm convinced I need to go to alanon meetings for the foreseeable future. I will be seeking a sponsor who is in a similar situation to mine. I see now this is not going to be easy. I hate the thought of that old cliche of hitting rock bottom but I feel like that may be where we are headed. A DUI or similar would be devastating. I hope it doesn't come to that. Thanks again for everything.
Welcome Lucas to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am a double-winner - AA (almost 30 years sober) and also Al-Anon (married to an A and have 2 sons....also A(s).)
My own experience for the AA side - denial is huge - bigger than anything I've ever battled. Most who know deep down they have a problem with alcohol just despise the term alcoholic as we've been raised to have a specific definition in our minds. We look to all that we can for the differences to not have to apply the label - and that's just a part of the disease. I landed in treatment after trouble with the law - gotta nudge from a judge. As a court appointee, they could keep me as long as wanted/necessary and I sat there for 46 straight days denying I had an issue. I was in my 20(s) and could NOT see any fun in my future without mind altering substances!!!
I would not have gotten sober in my 20s without the nudge from the judge. I was restricted for a year + from any mind altering substances and had other court restrictions and that carried me for as long as I was 'on paper'. I fully intended while at treatment and during that restricted time to return to my former path when I was free and clear to do so.
The end came and then the real fear set it. I knew deep down that it was the first drink that caused me this issues - not the 5th, 10th or even those I consumed after blacking out. I had learned enough to realize on every level that to return to that lifestyle would result in an early death for me. So - 'bottom' is different for each person and 'never drinking again' is frightening beyond anything I'd experienced before.
My best suggestion is to try and move forward with Al-Anon no matter what she does/does not do. We each have a destiny and a journey that I feel is predestined by a power greater than us and who know what she needs or when she might get through her denial. It's a powerful disease that gets progressively worse and nothing you do is going to redirect her for any lasting affect.
Keep coming back - sending both of you positive thoughts and prayers - there is hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
