The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning all - can not believe that we are almost to April!!!
Today's reading talks about the concept in Al-Anon recovery of keeping the focus on ourselves. So often, when we arrive, we don't understand this concept fully and believe that by taking care of us first, we will be perceived as selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless or uncaring. Often these exact thoughts or perception are how we viewed our qualifier!
We did not want to be that way and we had tried to do things for others in a loving and generous way. Often, we really did not want to do these things, and did them anyway - confused why we often grew resentful after such actions.
Many of us find that our efforts to be selfless by trying to please everyone else were NOT working. The focus was on their response rather than on what seemed to be the right thing to do. Our giving was conditional vs. unconditional. We learn in recovery that by paying more attention to self and doing what we thought was best, we would become free to give without strings attached or expectations. This was a better way to be 'generous'...
Today's reminder --- The Al-Anon program works when I keep the focus on myself, attend lots of Al-Anon meetings, and make recovery my top priority. As I become more fully myself, I am better able to treat others with love and respect.
Today's quote is from the Twelve Steps and Traditions --- "We are best able to help others when we ourselves have learned the way to achieve serenity."
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For me, before recovery, I considered myself helpful, caring and giving. My intentions were good and I sincerely thought I was helpful. What I learned in recovery is that when I do for others that which they can/should do for themselves, I am not helpful but rather controlling/managing/mothering/monitoring...
I also learned in working the steps that my motives weren't always so 'pure'. I did for others desiring an outcome I wanted/needed vs. what they wanted/needed or what God had planned. Even with the best of intentions, I learned in recovery that if I don't put me first, I tend to absorb the pain, despair, anger, etc. of others I am trying to 'help' and this is not a healthy way to live.
I am a calmer person when I put me first as I am focused on my own needs as well as my self-care. I am better able to give selflessly when I am serene and mentally healthy. I now understand that for my recovery keeping the focus on me allows others the dignity they deserve to live their life and gives me a ton more peace.
Happy Thursday to one and all - raining again here....babies coming for a sleepover and softball games scheduled for later this evening! (((Hugs))) - make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I remember when I first came to Alanon, keeping the focus on myself was next to impossible to contemplate. After all, I was fine, I needed to figure out how to make the alcoholic fine, too. Lol. Through the program, I learned that focusing on myself allows the alcoholic in my life to take care of herself. (Although, forces is a word she might use some days!) I do not need to live a crazy, crisis-oriented life, despite what she has going on. By focusing on myself, I ensure serenity and stability for myself. And, by refusing to "do for" others, I allow them to figure out how to live their own lives as well.
Lots of rain here today as well. I'm just glad it is warm enough so it doesn't turn to ice or snow! Have a lovely day!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
(((Skorpi))) - always great to see you and love your shares....as a fellow fur-baby fan, I love your avatar - what a pretty girl!!! Take care!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good morning IAH ans Skorpi . I can readily identify with each of your shares as well as with today's reading in the C2C.
Prior to program ,I thought that by making myself, my feelings, my needs, invisible, pretending all was well and being supportive of others was loving and compassionate. I guess this is what I learned was expected in my family growing up.
I often felt left out and not part of and not supported and blamed others . Upon reflection I see that my attitudes were off I thought " I do for you and then turn around and do for me". I was not giving unconditionally because I had expectations of getting something in return.
Enter Al-Anon and hearing that "changed attitudes", aid recovery, I could not imagine what attitudes needed to be changed-- as I was perfect and my attitudes correct.
Working the steps with a sponsor, attending meetings, sharing honestly, I soon discovered that my attitudes had changed without my knowing it. I can be loving, compassionate and empathetic today without having expectations.
I now keep the focus on myself, nurture myself and understand my job is to take care of me and everyone else's job is to take care of themselves.
I know ow to love someone with compassion and understanding, but it does not mean I do for them what they can do for themselves. It simply means I can walk the journey with them side-by-side, offering any assistance. I can give from my surplus.
This is indeed a powerful program and is a process and I am grateful that I keep coming back.
Thank you for your service and I do hope you have a lovely spring
Good afternoon all and thank you for C2C for today IAH. The word invisible jumped out at me and memories of my childhood. I always felt invisible. Don't talk too much, don't show your feelings and don't expect any recognition of anything you do or achieve. Didn't matter what the achievement was it was never good enough and yet I kept trying to please. Through recovery I have learned I don't have to be perfect nor do I have to please everyone. It's just fine to be myself and now the goal is Progress not Perfection, so much more realistic.
Thank you for the C2C for today! This was so important for me to read today, because I was having some guilt over my interaction with my best friend. But today's share made me realize that I finally did something for me!
Basically, we are both very busy mothers and workers. We support each other and I consider her my dearest friend. But, she has this one flaw... one that I tend to perpetuate. We make plans to meet, and she is always changing the time at the last minute, or is running late. This makes me have to change my timeline, which in turn causes me a lot of stress as I don't thrive on a go, go, go, lifestyle... SHE does. Today she txted me if I wanted to meet. Even though the timing wasn't the greatest for me, I told her yes, because I had kept putting her off in the past. When I began to feel myself stressing out b/c the time was too close to me starting work, I stopped and asked myself what I wanted.
What I wanted was to meet with her, but just once on my terms. So I ended up txting her back and letting her know that her timeline was just not good for me today. In fact, I told her that early mornings were the best 'last minute' times for me, but with at least 24 hrs, I can organize my to-do list to include meeting with her.
In the past, I would just go and feel a tad of resentment for always having to do things her way. Today I can express what I need in a positive way! Progress!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
