The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I so want to sit my AS down and set him straight. Ha ha, setting an addict straight is like jumping from a plane without a shoot, hoping for a gentle landing. I want to say, what have you done in the last 3 years that has been productive? Do you realize how manipulating your AGF is? Do you realize how Manipulating you are? Do you realize life owes you nothing? Do you realize it is your responsibility to take care of your debts? On and on and on....
Thanks to Nar-Anon I bite my tongue. I want my time with my AS as pleasant as possible...for me. I realize that nothing I say or do will make him change, make him responsible.
I still recite all of those statements above in my head; that is one thing I can change but it is hard. My heart still wants to be able to change him; my head knows I can't.
I believe that my HP (god as I know him) is working. It is all in his time and I pray everyday that I accept his will.
Thank you for letting me share. Thank you for a safe place filled with people dealing with the same issues. Thank you for the encouragement to go on with my life.
There is a whole lot of wisdom in your post. I hope things continue to improve for you, and that the time you spend with your son is pleasant for you.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Oh I can relate so much to these thoughts. I was, a fixer and a controller but I thought this was a Mother's love then I learned it was judgement of my son. I believed he was mine, and so his decisions were a reflection on me and I wanted a certain life for him and he was taking a different path from the one I wanted for him!!
Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it. This put a huge wedge between me and my son. I couldn't listen to him properly, I couldnt see him for the good parts, I was obsessed with changing the bad parts. I judged his every move or thought or idea to be crazy or stupid and so I never had a good word or look on my face for him.
I feel so bad about this. Thanks to working this program, my son is taking more and more responsibility for himself. Yes he still drinks daily, hes lost another job, but who am I to judge him on his decisions? I know hes effected by alcoholism and I know he has no recovery, there's a chance hes an alcoholic or at least he is a problem drinker. If I chose to be in his life then its my responsibility to treat him with love and respect and thats what I do. I can hear him now and he has many good ideas and good thinking, lots of it he cant follow through, he has a barrier (alcoholism) that's bigger than him and me but I have a duty to listen and let him I know I support him without any judgement. I dont have the power to judge his path, its his and its not mine and if it doesnt fit with my expectations then its my problem and not his.
I can relate too.....and have totally been there. How great that you've got awareness of this disease and how it 'is'......affecting you. I did some step work on what it was about me that made detaching with love so difficult with my child(ren)....I found it much easier to detach from my AH as well as other adults in my life but my 'adult children' were the toughest. I too am a fixer, controlling person and let's face it - a mother who would move heaven and earth to take away pain for one I love.
It really really helped to attend extra meetings, work the steps with a sponsor and practice putting me first and detaching. The reality for me as I was working the steps about this is I really do not want to control others - it's not ever been rewarding and it's caused me more anxiety than necessary. What I truly want is for them to be happy, healthy and whole. I don't care what job they have, where they live, whom they hang with, whom they date, marry, etc. - if they are happy...that's what I truly, truly want deep down.
Keep doing what you're doing - it really does work when we work it!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
