The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Shortly after finding Alanon, my alcoholic/addict husband left me. It felt devastating at the time and for a few years in my early recovery. I felt I was a bit like an anomally. So many in my f2f meetings were either still living with active alcoholics, sober ones or had chosen to leave the alcoholic. It wasn't as if no one shared that they'd been left but eventually their active alcoholics wanted to come back home. In my own situation, my husband had family members who were not in recovery, had limitless denial and finances making it easy for my ex to continue his habit. I was a convenient scapegoat so I was swiftly removed from his life so he and they could continue as they'd always had. My issue was that as I began to recover I began to change, not enable and grew a backbone. Early in Alanon I sometimes regretted that I had used the tools of recovery along with getting some outside help to realize my worth. Despite the awful way I had lived (volunteered to live with an active addict), I still missed him and loved him. Living life on life's terms was very hard on my own. My emotional immaturity and confusion concerning making day to day choices only exaserbated my feelings of inferiority. Living with an active A was familiar. I had lived with a highly functional A who had been capable for a long time until one day when he no longer was. He'd made a lot of important life decisions that affected both of us. I'd blindly trusted him in many ways and paid for that later.
Well.. we do the best we can with what we have at the time. Today, I am fully self supporting thanks to this program and it's many lessons and tools. I guess I had to learn the hard way that it's my responsibility to take care of myself. I can ask for help with what I don't know especially from my hp but also from other people. But I am self sufficient today. I no longer lean on other to the point of nearly knocking them over with my burden. I know today it's what I'd done with my exah. We were two people who could hardly take care of themselves despite the fact that he did a good job pretending to be responsible. His is a family of human doings. I was someone looking for someone to take care of me.
Life is good today for me thanks to Alanon. I just wanted to share this for anyone who my be feeling "less than" because you were left by your A. You're not alone and life does get better if you stick with the healthy support and unconditional love available through Alanon. Anyway, that's been my experience as a work in progress here. Thanks for letting me share with you. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
That is a TRUE story and probably is more along the lines of what happened in my case as well .. My XAH was done with the marriage .. however I asked him to leave .. it was a joint mutual decision .. Thank God he left willingly .. that was such a blessing I didn't realize how much so .. he really could have made me crazier than I already was had he played his cards right .. I say I left him .. the reality really is he was asked to leave however was already gone I was just unaware of how much so.
"We were two people who could hardly take care of themselves despite the fact that he did a good job pretending to be responsible. His is a family of human doings. I was someone looking for someone to take care of me."
This statement states beautifully of what my relationship with my XAH was like .. neither one of us could stand on our own and it was easy to pretend everything was fine .. I wanted someone who was unable to take care of themselves to take care of me .. that's not fair.
Thank you for sharing this because it is exactly what I needed to read today.
Hugs :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((TT))) - great and powerful share - thank you for your honesty and ESH.....I do believe that every story I hear is what I am supposed to hear when I hear it. There are as many stories as there are members yet each one touches me in a way that shows how truly miraculous this program and recovery are.
Glad we're on this journey together! So glad to see/hear your progress in recovery - keep doing what you are doing - it looks great on you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for the share tiretonite,
My ex-A broke up with me too over and over. He also had family and friends that wanted him to drink with them, until they were done with him. Then he would come back sick as a dog. I finally said enough, it was hard but well worth it.
I hate to admit it because I know that recovery is ALWAYS first, but I always had a fear that my exAB would meet someone in an AA meeting and leave me for them. I know it's a self-esteem thing, but that always was hanging over my head. I knew he recovery was most important. That's me and my mind running. As it turns out that wasn't even the reason we didn't make it. He never committed to meetings and was cheating with women online soo....it doesn't matter anymore. I can feel your pain and I am glad that you have learned to maneuver on your own. The hardest part is finding our footing.
Thanks tt. I could relate my ex didn't leave us in the way you talk of but he left us over and over. Living with a drinker left me feeling abandoned and definitely less than. He came back and my insanity believed for good then he picked up the bottle and was gone. In his place a person I despised and hadn't invited . I held a crazy idea that if I was a better .... I could be enough. This played out for yrs.
