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I am curious about a few things. Maybe some of y'all can help with this puzzle.
My husband told me in Nov 05 that he was using coke and had been for close to a year. Imagine my shock? We've been married for 13 years w/2 beautiful children. I have stuck to this marriage through his affairs and partying. When he wouldn't come home @ night, I thought he was just drinking & didn't want to drive. Boy was I wrong.
He claims that he loves me. I believe he really does. But he also claims that he isn't cheating on me. Should I believe him considering his past? I don't think so but he insists he isn't cheating. Does any one have a clue what goes on when addicts get together to get high? What do they do? They don't really just sit around & stare at the ceiling do they?
Another question: Where in the world does he get the means to pay for the coke. I have complete control of our money. He has zero access. He does have a credit card but I keep a pretty good tab on that to see if there is anything unexplained on it. There isn't. I asked him how he paid for it a month ago & he said sometimes people owe you stuff. What does that mean? Could he be whoring himself for the high? It is an absurd thought but I still feel compelled to ask it. Could he be selling it & using it too?
3rd - What kind of diseases is he risking bringing home to me & the kids. Hepatitis? Aids? He just disappeared for 3 days last weekend and when he returned home, I refused to acknowledge him. But I am weak and cannot keep up the silent treatment for long. I know he is going to attempt having sex as a make up session....but I just can't get over this thought of him passing me a disease. It has been hard for the last 5 months. I have had to put my mind somewhere else just so I could get into the moment w/him. What can he pass on to the kids by sharing drinks, etc. w/them? It would be horrible for them to catch something from him....they are so innocent.
4th - He lies ALL OF THE TIME!!! I love him very much but I am scared of they type of future we will have if I stay with him. Would I be a bad person if I left him? I have to look out for my kids & myself. If he continues this path of destruction, I will have to leave to avoid the same ruined future. I don't see him getting better either way, staying or leaving. I just don't know if leaving would make him get worse, stay the same or give him the push he needs to get clean.
We learn that there are no easy answers and there really aren't any good or bad choices, but that we are faced with making some tough choices when we are faced with the affects that these diesases assualt us with. It is startling when we learn that the one we have loved for so many years is not the person we have tried to believe that they were. I believe that is part of our denial of things. We want so much for our lives to be "normal" that we convince ourselves that things aren't really as they are.
It appears that you are beginning to accept the reality of your situation, tough as it may be. For myself, when I reached that stage in my journey was when I finally accepted that it was time to see what changes in life I could make for myself. I tried for many years to change him, it just doesn't work.
I hope you take the time to stick around here and learn what some of your choices in life are and that you will find support here in knowing that you are not alone in dealing with your situation. We can't tell you what to do, but we can listen and share with you what has helped us.
Well thats alot of pretty serious questions alright. No one knows why he does what he does but him and i would bet if asked he couldnt tell you either. coke is pretty nasty stuff alright and it is illegal to boot. can he bring u home a disease ?? ubet he can and if you are going to continue a intimate relationship iwould definetly encourage u to protect yourself no unprotected sex would be my first boundary.
Lying is what adicts and alcohlics do- accept that and u will be much happier this is a disease and lying is just one of it's many nasty symptoms.
I hope that u will find youself an Al-Anon or Narnon meeting u will get a better understandig of what it is you are dealing with and learn to detach with love and not go on the down hill ride with him emotionally. By workig this prog that is possible.
I can only respond from my experience with my AW and general knowledge of drug usage.
I think that all users, alcohol, drugs, whatever, are prone to lie about anything to keep up the use of their addiction. I do not trust one thing my A says when she is drinking.
Regarding how they pay for it when money is controlled, one of the biggest reasons for crime is addicts stealing to maintain their habit. This can take many forms. White collar crime, breaking and entering, burglary, etc. If you are controling all of the funds and you know his financial situation, he has to be getting the money somewhere. I suppose it is possible that other addicts give him the drugs, but that seems very unlikely.
As for disease, that is very scary. Drug users have a veritable laundry list to choose from. Personally, if my A was doing drugs I would be very concerned about my risk of contracting something from any physical interaction with her.
I certainly feel for your plight and wish you the best.
Hi QOD. I would only like to add to some of the other suggestions about the possible spread of the diseases you mentioned. My husband had Hepatitis C. I went to my doctor very shortly after his diagnosis and learned more about the disease. I learned that it is as commonly passed from person to person through contact other than sexual as sexual contact. Not like breathing the same air or drinking after one another....but things like accidentally the toothbrush belonging to someone with the disease or sharing a razor. We have 3 children between us and our doctor helped us to make a list of some "higher risk" behaviors that he felt it was important that we teach them to avoid. All toothbrushes and razors in our house to this day are labeled clearly as to their owner. We always wear rubber gloves when fixing "owies" and applying medicine or changing a bandaid to an open wound. Small things, but I would hate to think that I'd taken the "big" precautions and caught the disease anyway cause my eyes were half open in the morning and i grabbed the wrong razor and cut my leg. My doctor did say that I needed to have a blood test twice a year and that's something I don't think I'll stop doing for a long time. One of the wisest things I think that has been posted to you is that addicts/alcoholics lie. That's just what they do. We can't rationalize or make sense out of their behavior. That's part of what makes us sick and sucks us into this disease. I hope your life improves in ways you never expected soon. Keep coming back and keep watching over you and your loved ones :)
You have asked so many good questions and I can only speak from experience with my husband and his friends who use coke. I have handled all of our money since we married five years ago and I have learned that if he wants to use, he will find a way whether he has money or not. He has worked on cars, stolen, ran errands, done favors...Believe it or not, they are actually pretty good at sharing. My husband likes to get high alone, but will share if he's with a buddy. They will go out and use together like some people would go to a bar. My husband has also sold drugs...didn't work for long because he ended up using his supply. Mostly, he conned people and sold. At the beginning of our marriage he was sleeping with another woman because she was giving him money so he could use.
My husband gets incredibly hungry for sex after using. Generally, not while he is high because he doesn't have the focus to concentrate and he can't be still long enough. When he's coming down he sure wants to have sex. I have worried that he may bring home something to me. I believe my husband is faithful, but it would not surprise me to find out he's not. Infidelity and addiction often go hand in hand. So does lying and addiction. THey don't mean to lie, the addiction is trying to preserve itself. He isn't going to do anything to get in the way of his using, including telling the truth.
Is it possible to set some boundaries with him? Is it possible to sit down and talk with him in a nonconfrontational manner? Just tell him that you have a few questions and you'd like to understand better. I wouldn't approach him while he's high, coming down or when I'm angry. Some things I would rather not know. It broke my heart when my husband admitted to me a couple of years ago that he had robbed people with a gun. I would not have thought it in a million years. He is so nonviolent. One boundary I have with my husband is that he not stay out all night. That is just out of respect for me so I know he's not dead.
Keep coming back here. It is a great place to be and we are hear for you. Get as much information about cocaine and addiction as you can.
For me the boundary was - no dealing, and no using in the house where the kids could see him.
Accept that he's gonna lie, and so don't bother asking questions that you won't believe the answers to anyway. He may be faithful to you, may not. If you have suspicions, saying that you don't want to have unprotected sex is a very good idea. The other precautions - toothbrushes, etc, sound great - I wish I had thought of that. He's getting money from somewhere. Make sure you are protected. This can be an expensive habit. As to what addicts do when they are high - they do the same things they always did, they're just high while doing them. Shooting the breeze, playing pool, working on the bike... my husband and his drug buddy, the local tattoo artist, would get high and decorate my husband's body - his back and upper arms are almost solid tattoos.
There is not much you can do for him, but there is a lot you can do for yourself. Get to a f2f if at all possible, and come here.
Thanks everyone for all the info, there were answers here to questions I had not even thought of. I can only add a few things to the money issue, my AH has sold items of mine, had a quickie loan on the car title, credit cards I had no knowedge of, cashed one of those mail offer checks of a loan, theft from many people, commision or skimming from the seller or buyer.
I hope you can find some peace, and take care of yourself.
Thank you for the support and advice. Every day is different. One day I feel like I know what I need to do and the next I am second guessing myself. It is so frustrating.
