The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I recently have started hearing the terms, "Qualifier," "Codependent," and "Enabler" in my Al-Anon meetings. Are those appropriate terms to be used in Al-Anon? I know that when I had counseling before I started attending Al-Anon, I heard those terms used all the time and even read literature that made me realize that I was "Codependent" and an "Enabler." "Qualifier" is a new term for me and I do understand it, but I don't know why they are used in meetings. Some Al-Anon members that I have discussed this matter with are wondering the same thing that I am.
From all the Conference Approved Literature that I have read in Al-Anon, I don't recall reading those terms. Is this something new that has been added to meetings and discussions and is everyone okay with it?????
Please share your experience, strength, and hope in this matter.
Hi Connie These are not truly alanon terms. Members are encouraged to share using alanon principles and terms,however many fall back on therapy words or other experiences and verbiage.
I always feel that I am my own qualifer for attending alanon meetings as it is my disease that brought me to Alanon.
If this is unsettling then I would ask for a Business meeting to address this issue and if everyone agrees, the members can decide to assign the chair the responsibility to reinforce the issue. We incorporate this statement in our opening . It is then up to the chair to reinforce the principles of your meeting
Early in my journey members of my group studied the books on codependency. For this purpose they formed a separate group outside of Alanon for this purpose. And it wasn't discussed at our meetings.
In my view a lot more stuff crept into Alanon from treatment centres- ideas, concepts, which we now regard as a part of OUR programme.
It comes down to a group conscience and a group conscience meeting.
For me it comes down to the slogan- "how important is it?
Is it jeopardising the direction of the group? Is it a passing phase?
Only a group member, with other members, can judge this one, in my opinion...
I have seen the term "Qualifier" and "Enabler" used in approved Al-anon literature. I believe "Qualifier" is a way to anonymously refer to the person who brings you to al-anon, and "enabler" is often used to describe people like myself who at one point thought I was helping, but really wasn't, I was actually perpetuating the problem.
Most prominent example of the later in al-anon approved literature is in "The Merry Go Round Called Denial"
Also, If I say "My alcoholic wife" Or "my drug addict brother" am I not at risk of giving up the anonymity of the person I am referencing? Isn't it the 3rd tradition that says "The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend." so therefore, Al-anon asks us to have someone who qualifies us to be part of the program, making them our "Qualifier".
As for Codependency, that is a term that has supporters and distractors in the therapeutic world. it is a way to describe many people in many situations, however it is widely believed that a "codependent" can be very detrimental to themselves and an alcoholic, in that relationship, less so in a relationship with someone who's worse trait is being a fellow codependent.
My "Qualifier", Alcoholic/addict wife (Would you prefer I spell out her full name and social security number? Trying to be funny not poke fun) hates the term "Moist", but it is still a valid term and a pretty good descriptor, in the right situation.
I do also agree that I am the biggest qualifier here, if I were perfect, I wouldn't need al-anon. I am not perfect and never will be, therefore I need to be here.
I use qualifier to protect the anonymity of those I love who have the disease. I don't consider enabler a noun, but enable is a verb. I don't use the word co-dependent as a noun either, but rather an adjective. I truly do not like labels as I believe they are overused and often as an excuse or a reason.
When I refer to me, I often just say I qualify to be a member. I rarely use the term qualifier unless it's for a first time meeting and we're sharing what brought us to the program. For me, the easier I keep it the better. I do know some meetings around here frown on the use of the Co-Dependent simply because they have their own program. I often find that many in recovery have more than one 'qualifier' and for my own recovery, it helps me to keep the focus on me and what I'm doing/not doing/should be doing if I use that term instead of AH, AS1 or AS2. I could add to that list, but these are my constant peoples at the moment!!
When I did my inventory, I identified addiction tendencies, controlling tendencies, co-dependent tendencies, mothering tendencies, enabling tendencies and many more. It was actually very overwhelming as I really thought I had too many issues to have success. I'm grateful I had a sponsor who talked me down and continues to remind me I'm to be focused on progress always and not perfection.
I don't know if I've helped at all.....(((hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have to slightly disagree that the word qualifier is meant to mean yourself. I think it is only used in programs to refer to the family member or friend that you are attending meetings for. I have been in AA and have not used that word or heard people refer to themselves that way. Some of the literature used in Alanon is from AA, and that is probably why it is not seen very much.
... and yes Betty- I find myself saying the same thing-
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