The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've learned a lot in Alanon about enabling. I've been looking at my part in it and what I can do about it. I'm trying to figure out what to do when it's my husband who is enabling, and his choices would affect both of us.
My husband's brother recently got divorced. In that process he lost his part in his family's business. He refuses to work for anyone else because he says you can't get rich in this country working for anyone but yourself. So, he rarely has any money. He works part time on the weekends at a dance studio, because he considers that his hobby. He regularly asks my husband and I for money. I told my husband I am uncomfortable giving him money unless we get something in exchange for it. So a couple of times we have bought things we could use from him, in exchange for giving him some cash.
My husband and I recently bought a house. The house is near the dance studio his brother works at. He asked us if we could rent out our spare bedroom. My husband told him we couldn't. He asked us for money. I told him we could give him some money if he would paint our living room. He agreed. He started on Saturday and here we are Thursday and it still isn't done. I am feeling stupid for not laying down more ground rules than I did. He left on Tuesday, hasn't come back, and said he is out of gas so he can't get back to our place to finish the job. My husband told him to take the train. We haven't paid him yet, so that's fine. I thought my husband was doing a good job of drawing a line.
Then this morning he tells me he wants to buy his brother health insurance because he has none and if he got sick we would end up paying for him anyway so isn't it better to pay for it in terms of insurance and lessen our liability? I have to admit I got upset. I reminded my husband that he and I hold jobs to get our health insurance and his brother could do the same. My husband got annoyed with me and asked if I was callous enough to say we shouldn't buy him tires for his car since his are balding and it's dangerous. I shot back why should I buy him tires when he has no insurance and his license has been suspended.
Now I am feeling badly about my handling of the situation, know that I am feeling RIGHT, and that when I feel I am RIGHT I am usually wrong about something. But I do also firmly believe that what my husband wants to do equates to enabling his brother. My husband doesn't feel this way and apparently thinks I'm selfish and inconsiderate of his family.
I guess what I can do now is let my husband know I understand how he feels but I'm not comfortable with what he is asking to do. And apologize for my attitude this morning. The rest of it I suppose needs to be turned over. Worrying about it isn't going to help...but, worrying I am, for the moment...
Hello pix long time no see. the first question that comes to mind is are u suffering because of the money your husb gives to his brother,in other words are u doing with out so he can have?
I agree your husb is enabling but he is the one doing it, he will have to figure it out for himself when he gets tried of bailing his brother out he will understand what u mean.
I have been in your situation and know how you feel but this is truly your hubbys choice , if u continue to get so upset he may feel he cannot share this stuff with you any more and will start giving his brother money and not tell you about it. (don't want that )
So ooooo MYOB - when this begins to affect you financially ,speak up Just my opinion
I feel for you in this situation, it sounds like your relationship with your husband is suffering because of the situation. I can only suggest you pray about this situation and make sure that you are in a place where you can't be hurt by your brother inlaws problems, easier said than done when your husband may sometimes be buying into it.
Anyway my advise to you is look at the suggestions your husband is giving and understand that he is troubled by this too, maybe he has a good idea or maybe its not good.
Its so tough to care about someone who won't care for themselves but it sounds like your brother inlaw needs boundries, and that you and your husband need to focus on making sure you each are getting what you need and let your brother inlaw focus on himself.
Is there any way you can look at this money as money that your husband is spending on himself, and just let it go? If you can afford it, that is. Once you have made your case to your husband, and he doesn't agree, then it is either a deal breaker, or you will have to agree to disagree. There's nothing wrong with that - not all arguments in a marriage have to be won, or resolved. For whatever his reasons, he feels he has to do this. It may be the wrong thing to do, but he may need to find this out himself.
I understand what you are saying and where you are coming from. My uncle passed away this year after years and years of addiction. My father was the one who took care of him. He took him to the store, paid bills, bought clothes, found him a place to live...My father thought it was his obligation. However; he set some boundaries on his own and when my uncle was hungry, he bought him food and did not give him the cash. He bought his life insurance because he was going to have to pay for the funeral anyway.
I couldn't stop enabling my husband just because people told me it was bad for him. I had to know why it was unhealthy for him. I had to see for myself that it was unhealthy. Depending on how they told me what I was doing was wrong, I became very defensive and felt like everyone else had turned their backs on him and he needed me.
It's okay to disagree with your husband. Are you having to do without because of the help your husband is giving? If you're not, maybe it's okay to express your opinion and let it go at that.
