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After 1 1/2 years of living separately, I have finally screwed up my courage to move forward with starting divorce proceedings. My AH will be served with papers today. He has been paranoid about this for a long time...but he has also done almost nothing to convince me to stay in this marriage. He is not in recovery, still lying, drinking, and it's all done undercover so there is always confusion about his mental state, does he even remember conversations we have had, etc.
Because he expressed a lot of fear about "being served" I was planning to let him know when it was going to happen. But, today is the day, and I have just realized it is not in my best interest to tell him, because he might hide from the server, which would only postpone the inevitable and cost more too. I worry he is going to make this another traumatic experience, but I am trying to let go of whatever his reaction is, while feeling exceedingly nervous. I just started a new full-time job, where I have no privacy. I woke up at 3:30 am with such anxiety. I feel very sad for my children.
"Let go and let God" is the mantra I am trying to live today. Let go of my need to manage the situation, even while caring and worrying about his experience of what happens today. But I still need to express my sadness, stress and anxiety over what I am heading into.
I also have the same thoughts as Betty does and I empathize with you because of my own experiences with the subject. Yes there was sadness and yes also the wonderment of new found courage and positive expectations without the guarantees. To remain in the illness is to invite the inevitable mortality of alcoholism that I learned from many resources. I witnessed also over that period of time the miracles of recovery and was grateful for it all. I learned tons in the process. ((((hugs))))
I've been there. It took me a while to pluck the courage but I got to the stage where I had to be honest and let him go free to sink or swim whatever he chose. He did sink for a while but mainly through his disease where he felt sorry for himself. I suppose he felt grief too. Grief of the idea of me and the idea of the future he thought we had but my mind had went far away from that idea. I also realised that he didn't really want what was best for me only what was best for him. He called it love but that's not love. He drank for a good while and everyone let him fully. Then he stopped and got into aa. He needed to be set free so did I and so did the rest of the family. We all got clarity. It was clear we were over. I suggest you allow him his space to do whatever he chooses to do. Stepping in and out will spark hope and it prolonged the progress for both of us. When we finally completely let go we both got better. The kids got better too and now have 2 parents who have a clear view of things and are both recovering separately both setting a better example. It's easy to get focused on how he must feel but it's not really any of your business nor your fault or responsibility. It's also not likely to be the actual truth either. We make up stories in our head when we try the mind reading thing. Also prepare for some major attempts at manipulation. The whole I can't live without you is nonsense also the guilt thing the whole your breaking the family up. All lies. Keep the truth close to you. Alcoholism is the root cause not you. Your not powerful enough. Write it out and we starts the mind game you have got your armour on. Up your meetings your phone calls to members. Your doing the right thing your thought processes may still be distorted so keep in mind that thoughtshe are not fact.
El-cee, thanks for sharing your experience. I agree - my experience has been similar in realizing he wants what is best for him, not for me or even us. Even us as a family! So crazy
Could you elaborate on your suggestion of allowing him his space? I understand that part, but what do you mean by "stepping in and out"? I guess I still struggle with where to draw the line. We all went to dinner for our son's 12th birthday last week. It went ok, but he emphasized how nice it was to do something as a family. Last night, he invited me to join him and the boys for dinner at his place. When I said no, my 12 yo got kind of mad. Is that the kind of thing you mean? Or somethign different?
I still have a lot of stuff in that house... not "things" but all my boxes of memorabilia - letters, yearbooks, photo albums. I have no idea what he will next do, and I am regretting that I did not motivate to get them earlier, but I never feel like getting up the energy to do it. Anyhow...
Also thank you for reminding me I will really have no idea what his actual feelings are, and to put on my armor against manipulation. That part is the hardest.
Just based on my experience . I still tried to maintain some kind of relationship with my ex after and it confused everyone. The kids thought we would get back he did too and tried some tactics to get me back like trying to date me and I had to say no over and over. Not good for anyone. Then his anger leaked out at me. He was hurting and me being in his life was keeping the wound open. Eventually he accepted we were over and we have no contact at all now. My kids say he's doing much better.
(((Oceanpine))) - I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I've not been through this so truly have no ESH to share. Just wanted you to know that we're here for you however we can be. Congratulations on the new job! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
