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I'm having an emotional day, and I wasn't sure where to go as I have no one to talk to about it. I ended up at this site, and I wanted to share my story and hopefully get some insight and advice.
About 7 months ago I entered the online dating world after a 2 year divorce. I met D, and we began hanging out. Our "relationship" never really had clear lines. He would disappear for days at a time, and then show back up. He'd open up to me and reveal his deepest thoughts and then recoil. I knew it was a going to be a short term thing because his ultimate goal was to move back to the state where his kids lived. He had also recently been through a divorce and had moved to my state to live with his parents while he went through an outpatient rehab. I met him shortly after he had completed it. (I didn't know this until weeks later.) Fast forward to last week... he was basically living with me as he had lost yet another job, and had relapsed. His current drinking patterns were greatly affecting my life with my daughter. I was scared for his life. I was afraid of him dying from the withdrawals or the alcohol poisoning. He said that he was looking into a detox/rehab program but wouldn't take the steps to get there. Finally I demanded that if he didn't go to rehab he had to get out. I called his Mom (who I'd never met or talked to before because D was so skilled at keeping his life as secret as possible) and together we got him to go. They dropped him off this morning for a 40 day program.
My practical side says that this is my ticket out. I care so much for him, but his behaviors were impacting my life so heavily and not in a good way. He sucked me away from my family and friends. He manipulated me, emotionally abused me, ripped through my finances. Not to mention he is ultimate goal is to move back to a different state. There is no future.
But my heart is still grieving. I miss him. I miss his body in my bed, his car in my driveway, his company. There were few moments that he was vulnerable and those were the moments that I fell in love with him. I don't want him to feel abandoned or alone. I want to support him in his recovery and show him how much I care for him. But is it a waste of time?
I've read several posts about people asking about staying in relationships after rehab, but most of those were people that had been in relationships for years. I've only been seeing D for 7 months. I'm so torn at which role I take in his life now, and if he will even want to talk to me when he gets home. I guess I'm just trying to cope with it all. The scary relapse, the abuse, and now the unknown of what happens from here.
Stick around and read .. see what you want .. what I will share with you is this .. you are newly into this relationship and it sounds kind of horrific from what you have shared .. I am sorry for the pain you are going through ..
I would encourage you to think about something .. if nothing were to change from today and you were still in this relationship down the road is this ok for you, can you accept and love your A right where he is at with no changes. Really get honest about the answer because if nothing changes and it's another 7 months, another year and so on are you going to want to be in this relationship.
I'm not saying stay and I'm not saying go .. I'm saying re-read your story from the perceptive of this is your best friend telling you this story what would you say to her. Then I really strongly encourage you to get to alanon meetings read find out what is going on and why after 2 years you picked someone who had this many red flags happening and heal from that.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hello Jessie,
You are probably not the first relationship this person has had like this if you met them on a dating site. You might just be the recent one. I could be very wrong, and I apologize for that. I would look for patterns of behaviors like moving around a lot ect. Some alcoholics are like cute little puppies for awhile until they start having a bad affect on your life. I have gotten into a couple bad relationships myself. I had this very strong need to fix men and it never worked out, I finally had to fix myself. Alanon is unique because it is great program for people who choose to love or not love an alcoholic. Alanon helps many people learn how to love themselves.
((Welcome Jessie)) It is good news that you BF has entered rehab now you can search out alanon face to face meetingss in your community and obtain the support and compassion that you need to recover.
Alcoholism is a chronic , progressive dreadful disease over which we are powerless. As the result of interacting with the disease, our thinking becomes distorted and we too require a progam of recovery. Alanon is that program.
I too send warm welcomes to you...the disease of alcoholism is constant, perpetual and never healed. It is treated through recovery and avoiding alcohol. Some get it and some do not. What is hard about this disease is the family aspect - it usually does touch/affect everyone who loves/lives with them.
Al-Anon can help you understand more about the disease, the diseased and how it affects those who care. It can also help you work on your needs, your truth and your journey. There is no shame in caring for an alcoholic - the shame is when we allow the disease to interfere with our own sanity/joy.
Keep coming back - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery! You are welcome to attend Al-Anon whether he continues his journey or not and whether you stay/go. There is no judgement whatsoever - only requirement is being or been affected by the drinking of a family member or friend.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I guess what is plaguing my brain right now is: Did he really care about me, or was he just using and manipulating me to feed his addiction. How much was true? Was any of it? Will I ever know? And how will I ever know, moving forward, with anyone who enters my life. I can't stop replaying all of our encounters in my head, wondering if everything that came out of his mouth was just bull. I guess it would have been different if I knew he was an alcoholic to begin with, or if I would have understood they alcoholic mind... but I was completely unaware until nearly the end, right before he went to rehab. I just feel lost and confused. Yesterday I was feeling compassion and empathy for him, wondering what I could do to be a good friend when he gets out; today I'm just angry, lost, confused. I guess it's just all part of the process...
Aloha Jess...one of the skills we learn in Al-Anon is to live in the moment...the hour, the day and not venture into the future nor return to investigate the past for clues as to why we must be wrong in thinking we ought to stop the insanity completely. The alcoholic and addict are addicted to their chemicals just as we are addicted to our alcoholics and addicts. I learned in early recovery that alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and came to nod at each one of those. I was addicted to my alcoholic(s) I had more than one at a time and what you are feeling and thinking now I use to also do on a daily basis until I learned I didn't have to and could change it. The insanity sucks and mine came with blindness I knew I was insane and just couldn't see how and where. By the time I found Al-Anon I knew I was insane and didn't know how I got there.
I was born and raised into this disease and didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know...I was on the verge of a 3rd suicide attempt and was able to arrange it in a very very different way. I didn't have to end my life; just had to end how I lived it, and with the help of the program was able to do that.
The program uses sponsorship as but one majestic way to help us change...Elders who came before us helping to lead us out of the darkness into the light they found. The steps and traditions and slogans and literature are here to save and rebuild our peace of mind and serenity.
What about our alcoholics and addicts? I turned mine over to a power much more powerful than I and when they got together she found sobriety, peace of mind and serenity. She returned to the beautiful child of God she was before I tried to re-invent her and failed. I pray she is still sober today because she became a great model for a miracle.
Keep coming back, listen and learn and practice what we also do. You'll get what we have gotten. ((((Hugs))))
Attending alanon meetings will help you to clarify what is important to you and provide you with the tools to review the past and grow and learn. Please attend There is hope
Jessica - I do agree that varying emotions is part of the process. I believe this is true whether addiction/alcoholism is part of the relationship or not. All people show of themselves only that which they want seen and it takes time to truly get to know a person. Even then, since most of us grow/change/mature/heal each day, we are constantly changing.
We do talk in recovery by focusing on actions instead of words. In Al-Anon, we work on ourselves so when I had my doubts, fears, etc. about the past and all that had happened, I was gently reminded over and over again that we are all children of a Higher Power who loves us exactly as we are. Whether my qualifiers really love me or were just conning me no longer haunts me as I've grown in recovery to love myself and realize I am enough.
Also, just for processing purposes, I've heard it said often that Rejection by another is truly God's protection of us. (((Hugs))) - I'm with Betty - lean into all that the program offers and see what recovery can do for you! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have watched other girlfriends struggle when their relationships end regardless if they are involved with an addict or not .. It is the questions of was it all a lie or not .. I don't look at my marriage with my xah if it was a lie or not I refocused my thought process to was it healthy or not. The reality for me was it was not good for me .. Regardless of what he said or did I became someone I didn't recognize. I do follow the others suggestions of getting yourself healthy and well then you can decide if the relationship is the right thing for you. You will flux from anger to sadness to regret to embarrassment and regurgitate it all over again .. That's ok .. That's part of the healing process .. Purposely picking off the scab is not .. These are feelings neither good or bad they just are .. Getting yourself healthy is far more important than remaining stuck. Hugs ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you for all of the words of support. I can't believe how consumed I've allowed myself to become on someone else. This experience, along with the research and reaching out that I have been doing these past few days has definitely been eye opening. I let him, and our relationship, and his sickness consume me. After reflecting, it is obvious to me that this isn't the first time in my life that I have done this. There is a meeting in my area tomorrow night, and I have all intentions of attending.
Thanks again for the encouragement and fellowship. You have helped more than you know.
I like the above post, from asking if it was a lie or not, to asking if it was healthy or not.
It doesn't sound healthy. And post divorce is a vulnerable time. I know i was very vulnerable when commencing a relationship with an alcoholic. It just gets worse. The only good thing was finding alanon and really getting to know myself without running away. You're years ahead of me by landing here now, that's awesome! alcoholism is progressive. and cunning. And baffling. And powerful. For myself, in hindsight, i was kind of in a hurry, deeply hurt way down deep and looking to fix part of myself by fixing another. Also, there was the excitement and the newness of a new someone. Could i have changed it, even with active alanon recovery? I don't really know. Maybe if I'd slowed down and surrounded myself with healthy, serene people. Please read as much literature as you can get your hands on and seek out meetings. Educating ones self is never a bad idea. Hugs.
There are a lot of good people here and a lot of good advice. Listen to the experiences of others, get to some Face to face meetings, and get to know you before you make any decisions. You are not alone in these problems, Al-anon is a great program, it has helped me a lot, and yes, I am still growing and learning!
Jessica - good job finding a meeting close by!!! Hope you will come back and give us a read out on how it went. Some thoughts that were shared with me when I was heading out to my first meeting - keep an open mind and look for the similarities vs. the differences. If it doesn't feel like a good fit, try other meetings to find a home! (((Hugs))) - there is hope and help in recovery and the best gift --- we are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
