The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
Having read so many posts here, I realized it didn't matter what I did or was going on in the life of my A, it was going to happen again. He was going to drink again. The 3Cs taught me that. So while he had a moment of clarity, I choose to enjoy it. Have conversations that we don't normally do....Enjoy sometime together.
Last night he drank again. He waited for me to go to bed. I knew right there he was done. He couldn't go without that taste. He needed it. I didn't lay awake mad, it is what it is.
I sure woke up mad!! At my HP!! What now!! What am I supposed to learn now, we've danced this dance before, I'm tired on my feet getting stepped on. I handed him over to you. All my beliefs in my HP are fighting. This is out of my control. I want you to look after this. Everything happens for a reason, the reason he is drinking again that's for you to point out to him and for him to someday hear you. You love are your children, don't want any to suffer. So why this way now.
I know my lesson are yet to be learned and this is part of my healing living with an A. But really you seen how we were functioning again. Didn't he see that too?
Uuuuuggggghhhhhhh I feel like I have to start all over again. Last night was the start. He got that taste. So now brings the coming home drunk, the fights, because I will have to separate myself from him when he is drunk. This really does suck!
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
Hey Curlyblu, I understand your struggle. You are telling my story. I have close to 4 years in program and I have learned some very important things: to detach with love, to have zero expectations of my A, and that I can only change myself. I came to Alanon to learn how to change my A, but quickly learned that is not what Alanon is about. The 3C's are right on target. Only your A can change himself and it sounds like he is not ready/willing. But you can change yourself. You can choose to be with him or not, but first you can get yourself centered. I believe HP helps those who wants help. Your A sounds like mine, who does not want to stop drinking. I have become a happier person, calmer, and cope better with my A. The slogans sounded silly to me in the beginning, but now First Things First (help yourself), Detachment not Amputation (this takes a lot of practice), and ODAT, are all very important. I also learned that I can be as angry as I wanted, but it didn't help a darn thing. It just got all my stress hormones wound up and at times I actually felt sick. I obsessed about leaving or staying. I was miserable . But not anymore. Try and focus more on yourself and less on him. Give yourself some time to heal. Then you can make any decisions you want when your head is clear. I know it's hard because I am living this life too. But it can be so much better. Give yourself some time, OK? Lyne
Hi Curlyblu,
It took me awhile to learn how to find my own way when my A was drinking. It was a lonely road at first and it was not very fair. Now, I try to think about the disease and not the person. It is still lonely at times but in my heart there is a lot more peace. I use to spend every weekend fighting with my A, and it did not change him one bit. I hope today is a better day for you.
Today has been a struggle. He left the house to go do some work. Was supposed to be a quick job.....5 hours later still hasn't returned. I tried to keep myself busy. Doing things for me. My stomach turns at the thought of his return. He'll be drunk I feel it in every ounce of me.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
It was all confrimed. He drank again. I get what people have said....it comes back and often worse. Why am I so shocked by this, yet again. So he didn't drink for a few days, that was killing him more than what he actually doing is killing me. The 3Cs right.
Everything I have read, many of which I have read a few times over, try to drive home looking after ourselves. Letting go......I had been trying. Then I get slammed with text messages, blowing up my phone, as they say. None of which I needed to hear. Again it is all my fault. I was a "bleep" all day, so why should he be home. It's all my fault. I hear it so much that yes I believe it.
I know he won't be home tonight. His messages stopped, so that tells me he passed out where ever he decided to stop. That is the only blessing in this. Is he won't be home tonight. I can answer will dad be home tonight quick enough....I'm not sure...where's dad...I don't know. I guess another blessing is that I know I won't do what I would have done in the past....go look for him in the morning.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
(((Curlyblu))) - sorry for your pain - yet....I see tremendous growth in your processing and shares. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. Just breathe and put you first!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sometimes I'm pretty sure I over process. Reading his texts again trying to make sense of it. "If your mad at me leave the kids alone"....yes I was mad at him for drinking the night before, yes I got mad at the kids, for not cleaning thier rooms. Says he feels like a million bucks for missing what planned on with our son. How is any of this my fault. Other than I was mad at him. So in his mind, the way he is processing his information he is justified in getting drunk because it's my fault.
Now this is where I have a problem with detachment. If I pull away when he is drinking, I'm going to be a "bleep". He'll say it's always all about you. But if cradle his drunk a$$ he'll take that inch of rope and hang me.
I know he is just waiting for me to leave for work so he can seek in like nothing happened. He'll tell the kids he came home after they were in bed. Whatever makes you feel better buddy.
I keep saying bless him, change me. One day at a time....just today is going to be very long.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
Alcoholics do love to engage in the "Blame" game(as do we) so that is why detachment and keeping the focus on ourselves, (our thoughts, words and actions ) is so important. It appears he feels that you became angry with the children because you were angry with him (It is important to examine our motives, own what we find and then move forward.) If we detach and not engage we have taken care of ourselves and what he says is not true as you did not react to the insanity, maintained your serenity and your motives were acceptable. It is a process . keep coming back
This process of healing myself is mostly trying. My own bad habits of how I have dealt with things have definitely brought me to where I am right now. Focusing on myself seems so selfish. I get it, but difficult to put into action .
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
Face to face meetings are a place to allow others to get to know us. We then get to know others in a way that builds trust, self-respect, and spiritual strength. The pamphlet, "Merry-Go-Round-Of-Denial" is a read that has Power to propel us from the problem into the solution. When I was new in the program of Alanon, I realized that I had made my husband my higher-power. I had surrendered my will and life over to the lack of care of an out-of-control alcoholic. Getting a female sponsor in Alanon and meeting with her a couple times a week gave me the opportunity to get guidance from someone, other than that of the unstable alcoholic. Things began to change for me as a result of following the directions of those who were working and living the 12Steps in their own lives. I had to stop doing my same old behaviors which made me angry, fearful, unhappy, etc. I had to stop "blaming" the alcoholic for my own misery. I have a recovery program that frees me from the insanity of doing the same things, over and over again with the alcoholic's disease thinking. I can't fix them, nor can they fix me and my misery. The most COMMON thing for an alcoholic to do is DRINK, the most UNCOMMON thing for an alcoholic to do is STAY SOBER. Without support, Spirituality, 12Step work through AA, most alcoholics won't stay sober for any length of time. Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? How do we not get burned by the alcoholic?...we take our hands off the alcoholic "stove." How do I know when the active alcoholic is lying?... when his/her lips are moving. When at the beach, can I change the direction of the waves with my thoughts, words, actions, desires, anger, tears, manipulation or willpower?...the alcoholic "waves" are the same.
Step One issue: "We're powerless over alcoholism (the alcoholic, the alcoholic's behaviors, the alcoholic's drinking, the alcoholic's relapses, the alcoholic's recovery, the alcoholic's decisions not to sober up, the alcoholic's other addictions, etc, etc, etc)...and our lives have become unmageable (unbearable.)" Step One is the launching pad into a new and better way of living.
When the alcoholic would blame me and find fault with me for all of HIS actions, my sponsor taught me not to take the blame by saying, " I'm sorry you feel that way." This way it put the blame back in the alcoholic's lap...not my stuff, none of my business.
My sponsor taught me not to engage with a "madman" when he was drunk. And if he was still a "madman" when "dry" - same boundary applied.
The fights and arguments slowed up considerably, when my sponsor layed down a 10 second pause on my mouth, to consider whether the bait being offered by the drunk was worth the emotional torment to me and the family (collateral damage.)
How important is it? If, no matter what I say or do is not going change the alcoholic's insanity, then why destroy myself and the family in the process?
We do have control over our mouths. We do have control over our feet (to walk away from the alcoholic's invitation to fight, argue, and be insane, ourselves.) We have control over choosing to enjoy an activity, a hobby, the kids, a sunset, a cup of coffee/tea, a bubble bath, a good book/movie, music, etc, etc, etc.
Raising the "white flag" of surrender, removes us and the family from being destroyed on the "battlefield" of the alcoholic tirades. This vicious cycle can never be won with our self-will, alone.
You are never alone in Alanon. We'll help you navigate the landmines of living with and loving an alcoholic.
Much Comfort to you and your little ones.
(((Curly))) I understand the anger you are feeling right now. I am in the same whirlwind. Crazy how much our lives are the same in this very moment. All I can say is know that you are not alone. I too am just starting to learn, we won't get this peace overnight. I keep reminding myself (hundred of times a day if I need to) that I can only take it one day at a time. I have heard the "Why do you think I drink? It's bc I can't stand to be here with you" more times than I can count, and even in those moments I KNOW he is doing to excuse himself to drink. He will do it either way, so why drag me down with him. I hear his words tho, we are unlucky- the alcoholic often doesn't remember what he has said- but I remember every word. If you can't attend the in person meetings (I can't right now bc of my work), I would urge you to come to the online meetings here (most days at 9pm eastern). I went every day last week whether I was in a place of peace that day or spiraling out of control and felt the support I needed to get me thru one more day. Everyone has unique shares and perspectives. It's a start. :)
It helped today to read your shares and also to be at work. I know everything he said he said while drunk, can't say he doesn't remember because everything he said is there on his phone for him to read again. I never made an effort to contact him today at all. I'm not going to say I'm sorry for being annoyed that he drank again. Right now I feel like this disease is giving him an excuse to behave like this. It makes me sick to think he might come home tonight. Still mad because of the night before. I'd like to attend on line meetings, my worry is if he home. He will expect me to resume my proper position (mad at him or not) beside him on the couch. Any place else I'll be a cold "bleep".
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
A while ago I changed my patterns. I no longer "wait up"... and if he is home when I am up, I am already upstairs. It is my way to not engage with the alcoholic. I know that if I go downstairs it will be a battle. The boys and I have a routine, and we don't change it whether he is not drinking or drinking. I think it bothers him bc he wants the "oh I am so happy you're home and not drinking" response from me, but I feel like one day out of how many? No thanks I will stay upstairs and have my "me" time bc that is all I get a day between work and kids. I know the text drama, I always wonder if he ever reads them back and reflects? I think he doesn't. Denial. I think, surely he will see all the "hate" he spewed at me and at the very least apologize, but it never comes. Denial? His response whenever we reflect on words that were said during an alcoholic fight--- if I fire back (I'm human after all) is he wants to know why, and I give him examples, his response is always "well you must have said or did something to piss me off". What I am finding to be a trend is this lack for accountability. If he says "sorry, I didn't mean it" I am supposed to accept it and move on, but if I say I'm sorry then its "no you meant it" and he won't let me live it down (even if what I said was justified or not bc again I am human, I make mistakes and I apologize).
You could come to online meeting, and if he shows up, just turn it off. For me, the waiting, stirs my anxiety more than the actual appearance of him. My A was home the other night when I was in the online meeting, he was non-the-wiser. I stepped away to speak with him and then hopped back on once he was gone. But We all have to do what we're comfortable doing within our environment.
I posted the other day about my resentment bc it seemed like he was getting a "pass" to behave bc of the disease. A few people have responded to that feeling and helped me to understand. I (we) have to start changing our mindset. Easier said than done.
