The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time posting and first time reaching out to others to talk about my boyfriends addiction and disease with Alcohol. I didn't know about it for the first 7 months but found out in October when he was acting a little strange when he came over. Found the bottle in his bag and confronted him. He told me everything from trying rehab to going to AA, having a sponsor. His father is an Alcoholic but hasn't had a drink in decades. I listened, i researched, i went to therapy and i moved forward with him. Again it happened in November and December. In December he lost his job over it. He will go on a bender where he will get really really really black out drunk and need a couple of days to recover. Finally in December when that happened i thought maybe that's rock bottom, he lost his job and he knows that i won't move to the next stage in our lives while he isn't sober. He said he never wanted to drink again ( which i know we've all heard i'm sure) but said that was the first time he ever said that. He started to go to AA a couple of times a week, he found a new job, he was taking his antibuse again, things were going in a great direction. His boss at his job is also in AA and said he could talk to her at anytime. He got a call from a potential sponsor this past sunday. Everything was going great and then yesterday he was very quiet via text and i knew right away what the problem was. I didn't confront. He was spending two nights at his parents, one to watch the dog and another to get up early for a work meeting. He again didn't talk to me tonight and i could tell something was up and sure enough he texted and said he was had a drink and got into a car accident and the airbags deployed and the car got towed. His mother said that if i throw him out she won't take him in to stay. He currently lives with me. It seems that when his life is going smoothly and things are looking great he thinks "oh i can have a drink and nobody will know". He purposely stops taking his antibuse which takes 2 weeks to get out of your system. I'm just at a loss. I love him dearly and know that he does try really hard but then seems to just fall of the wagon for a day or two before starting over at day 1. I know i'll never truly understand the disease or his problems but for me its frustrating to think that he went to two AA meetings last week and yesterday and met with a sponsor today only to drink and think its ok. It makes you wonder when is enough enough, 4 times off the wagon ( although i hate calling it that) since October. I dont' let it affect me to much, i know that i can't do anything to change it and i've had therapy to know what i need to do to take care of myself but of course i worry and wonder if this is going to be life or do i need to say its time to go. I just needed to get that out. Thanks for listening.
Welcome. Lots of "open" AA meetings and reading the AA Big Book helped me to understand the disease of alcoholism, a lot more. Getting my own sponsor in Alanon and working the steps with my sponsor, helps restore me to sanity on a daily basis.
Hope you find much peace and joy in Alanon.
Good morning David, welcome to MIP. Like you. I attempted to understand the disease of alcoholism so that I could develop tools to live by and maintain my relationship. Attending Al-Anon face-to-face meetings helped me the most. Al-Anon is a support group for family members who have lived with the disease and was founded by the spouse of Bill W, the founder of AA. It offers tremendous tools to live by anda deep understanding of the disease . There is great deal of literature at meetings that will explain the disease and highlights our interactions. I found the one called the "merry-go-round named denial", and the other is "alcoholism family disease" very helppful.
After all my investigations regarding nature of alcoholism I finally accepted thatit is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which I was powerless and that relapse was to be expected.
I would check out the Al-Anon meeting schedule and the hotline number is in the white pages. Breaking the isolation caused by trying to figure out the disease is extremely important. Please keep coming back here as well. You're not alone.,
There's a reason that the disease of alchoholism is called cunning, baffling and powerful...you're up against an illness over which you have no power.
When my RAH picked up again after 30 years of sobriety, the Al-Anon maxim of "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it" saved whatever sanity I have. I found that watching someone I love kill himself slowly by degrees heart-wrenching, and the common sense and strength of those who have been there became my safety net for coping. The program taught me that while I can do absolutely nothing about drinking, I can do a whole bunch about my own illness.
Your attitude sounds very grounded...much more so than my own was initially. In retrospect, I found that I hadn't learned to put a filter in place for carrying out my kneejerk reactions...I am still on guard for words and actions that spill out of me before I think them through. I have often been sorry I said something in an instant reaction, but have rarely regretted holding my tongue until I could think through a situation.
The other tool that has become key to me is to focus on staying in the present. Thinking too much about what I should have done yesterday brings only remorse, regrets, disappointment and ultimately depression; getting wrapped up about what will happen tomorrow is a path to worry, fear and anxiety. Both behaviors take up room in my brain that could be used to promote clear thinking in the moment and rob me of the opportunity to appreciate good things as they happen.
It's comforting, revealing and constructive to me to be among people who have been through what I have. Please do keep coming here and posting. Responses from a range of viewpoints to your questions may well help, and they also help others reading and responding to them. As Betty suggests, face-to-face meetings are a natural place to break through the natural wish to isolate and find understanding, support, comfort and hope.
All the best to you - Denizen
-- Edited by Suburban Denizen on Wednesday 22nd of February 2017 08:57:49 AM
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"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I too send warm welcomes to you David - glad you found us and glad that you shared. The disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. He very well may want to be sober - yet the disease is still in charge...it's a tough road to go down and the best course of action he can take is to continue his efforts in recovery - half-measures avail us nothing (from the Big Book of AA)...
Al-Anon is recovery for those who live with or love another with the disease. You are welcome to attend and work on recovery no matter what he does/does not do. There is help and hope in recovery...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
