The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Happy Valentines Day all! ABF (currently not going to meetings and trying the whole few drinks here and there because he has "control" thing) asked if I wanted him to pick up a bottle of champagne on the way to celebrate with. I told him no, that I wouldn't tell him what to do in regards to his drinking but I wouldn't be drinking with him. He told me I was lame, but I stuck to my guns.
He went to a movie last night and came home smelling like wine, and I know tonight is going to be awkward because I told him no to drinking around me. What do you guys do in these situations? We are in a semi long distance relationship, and that makes this all the more difficult.
I put boundaries in place for me not to try and control the situation. So the reality for me is that if I put a boundary in place spoken or not spoken I have to be willing to follow through on it. I think about my kids in this regard am I truly prepared to follow through on the discipline I have put forth .. if I tell them no TV and an hour in to no TV I say ok you can watch TV .. do you really think that my kids are going to believe me the next time? Grown up's are like that to .. A's believe what I do not what I say ... I believe or have wanted to believe what I am told not what I am shown .. that's the dysfunctional dance that has been of my past. Now I think like an A in regard to if you show me who you are .. I believe you.
With my XAH I just tend to think total lip service and if he follows through great .. if not .. on him not me. I feel sorry for him on a LOT of levels. He has continued to show me how little he actually gets it. That's his problems that will result in LOTS of consequences for him. Expensive ones.
Being in a long distance relationship I would think it would be easier not to be around him if he's been drinking. Granted I know it cuts into your time together while you are together. I will remove myself from said situations. Because of my relationship with my X .. I will block calls when they become abusive (thankfully he has not done that for a while) I choose not to deal with an irrational person and he's caught on to the fact that nope .. not having it.
So I just encourage you to do what you need to do and not worry what he is or is not doing and stick to what is healthiest for you .. going to meetings, taking care of you is primary focus .. he's either going to drink or not drink that is on him to deal with.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I did the same thing as you have after I started to find out about this fatal disease and how I enabled it to grow in my relationships. I adopted the thought force that "I had enough" and kept using it and then erected the wall to keep me from it. Good response on your part....recovery is coming. (((hugs)))
For one of many times in my life, I'm grateful that I am a recovering alcoholic. All of my qualifiers, friends, extended family, softball friends, golf people, etc. know I don't serve alcohol nor allow it in my house unless it's a special occasion......it's served me very well for years - the last time I hosted a family event, I told them to BYOB...
We did a day-time gathering, pot-luck style while watching a Pro Football game. Not one person brought alcohol - and I was surprised. I did not ask and don't know if it was because of my typical rule or they just don't drink during the day - don't really care....we had a great time without adult beverages. This was my dad's side of the family - my mom's....it would never, ever happen that way!
As you work the program, you'll be able to set your own boundaries. For this subject, it was fairly easy for me because of my own past experiences.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
