The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I want to start with all the positive. I am getting ready to attend my second meeting this Tuesday. I have read half of the book How Al-Anon works waiting for my Courage to Change to come in the mail. I am defiantly making some progress. For that I have much hope and joy. I also got a journal to begin to write in.
There are a few things that I am struggling through. I am also part of the facebook Al-Anon group. I want to be careful that most of the program is focused on me. "Let it begin with me." and that I don't try to change things or people. However I do want to address things as they come up.
So the big thing that I have been thinking about and rehearsing in my mind is what propelled me in to attending my first Al-Anon meeting.
I was upset because my qualifier was not giving me enough attention. So I asked him if he still had romantic feelings for me. Mind you this has been an on again off again thing with him for 2 and a half years. and he has told me this whole time that he had romantic feelings for me. Then in this discuession he tells me he may have never had them for me. I am beginning to feel as though the whole time I have been emotionally abused. and I feel very resentful because of it.
It is so difficult to thing that the one man I have ever loved this much may have never had feelings for me in return. I hurt.
It is great to hear your progress and the things that you are doing for you. Yay for joy and hope!!
The problem that you are facing up to at the moment was a difficult one for me to deal with, but it has also been empowering and for that I am very thankful.
I suspect that your qualifier's comment might say more about him than it does about you. I hope that you can see that option. That isn't to say that we are perfect angles. There is something in me for example, perhaps along the lines of believing, so determinedly, that if I loved enough, and despite love feeling like hard work, then one day love would triumph and my prince would come! Sometimes having expectations is a problem for me.
If my AH said something like that to me these days I would try to leave that problem at his feet rather than pick it up. That doesn't make it less hurtful to hear, but the fact that it has been said is careless at best, although I guess it could be illuminating as well.
I've changed how long I give that kind of talk headspace and it is up to my husband if he wants to change his thinking or not. I know he is in a painful place, but I don't have to carry that pain for him. In fact it really is unhelpful in our circumstances if I try to.
I found it very tough to acknowledge that I had been emotionally abused. For a while it changed my opinion of myself - I guess I started to wonder if I was a victim and teetered on the cusp of feeling sorry for myself. As I unfurled from the hurt and I saw that I wasn't going to let someone treat me with disrespect any more. I didn't have to let AH know this. I just reached out and found lots of things to enjoy and celebrate in my life.
I don't think anyone sets out to do that stuff but it sure does happen and it does leave a mark. After a bit of thinking I figured that it takes two to tango, and I absolutely did not have to do that dance any more (although I still know the steps so well that sometimes I do skip to a beat!! Self-forgiveness is important for me while I'm learning).
This is just a slice from my story. I hope it lets you know that you are not alone and, as you can see from what you have achieved already, things can, and do, get better and more empowering - there comes a point when, if another person tries to hang garbage around our necks, we just say no!! (((((((Hugs))))))))
-- Edited by milkwood on Monday 13th of February 2017 06:35:10 AM
Tealfighter - I too applaud your path so far - may the journey continue to healing and self-discovery!! I am one who has to keep things really, really simple because I always over-analyzed. I spent so much time analyzing the motives, thoughts, words, behaviors of others that it was very hard to even 'see me'. By 'see me' - I mean the good, the bad, the anything.
For me, working the steps better helped me define my feelings, my part, my resentments and my truth. My truth may never align with the truth of another person - qualifier or beyond. I do believe that alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, soul and given a different choice, my qualifier(s) may/may not have hurt themselves and I as they did/do.
I find it easier to consider the nasty words, actions, deeds, etc. of others are a huge part of them/their illness. I don't excuse it but I can leave it lay, not pick it up and ask my HP - God - to show me my path, journey, value and truth. As long as I allowed my mind to wonder to what others were doing, plotting, thinking, not doing, etc. I was blocked from the sunlight of the spirit. The more I practice this program, the more I come to value me, make better choices, and align myself with healthier people and actions.
(((Hugs))) - keep your journey going and keep working to progress forward. You are not alone and help and hope are the few of many gifts in recovery.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Hugs))) tealfighter - it's a process and remember it's always about progress....never about perfection!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is great to hear your progress Tealfighter. I can relate to your post and you got some great responses here. Before I was in program I was really struggling in my life my mom was sick my daughter was small I was pulled between my mom and my AH and I was desperately needing comfort. I asked my AH for comfort/support/love and he told me that I needed too much and he just couldn't give it to me. That comment at that time was one of the most painful things I thought I could ever hear. Because what I heard was "you don't deserve love" that is not what he said but that is what I heard because of my part in the disease. I focused on that for quite a long time, I used that comment as justification for all sorts of bad behaviour on my part, I felt very badly for myself and in the end it got me nowhere. I get different messages from my AH all the time. Sometimes he's wild about me and crazy in love with me other times he's withdrawn and sometimes still he lashes out with hurtful statements (this is a lot less since I've been in Al Anon). I've come to realize that his moods, negativity, nasty statements have more to do with him than they do with me. I am deserving of love no matter what. It's really that simple. All of us are. Every single one of us. Learning detachment taught me a lot about relationships and myself. Having a Higher Power that is not my AH brought sanity back into my life. I am learning to love myself and feel love from my HP and I can see how he brings it to me in different forms in my life. I liked what Iamhere said about how she can "leave it lay" I've found that helpful as well. Just because AH puts these nasty comments at my feet from time to time doesn't mean I have to pick them up and chew on them. I can step over them and keep going on with my life. I can embrace the abundance of love I have been given by so many others in my life. I have at times wondered if I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and maybe I was/still am however it never helped me to feel like a victim. I chose the relationship. It has bad qualities to it. I don't have to accept any type of abuse and I have a choice to leave whenever I want. That feels more empowering to me. Keep coming back Tealfighter!
I used to get caught up with my XAH and he said some horrific things when we split about never having feelings for me. At that moment in time he thought he had a better offer .. funny when that offer came up off the table. One of the things he said was he never had feelings for me and in that moment I broke because it was a hateful comment to make .. I'm the mother of his 2 children.
As I healed I realized that it really wasn't my issue .. his feelings or lack of them are for him to deal with .. I didn't have to own that part of things. Those hateful things he said .. that was a reflection of him not me. Yes, I had a part in the breakdown of my marriage and the behavior I allowed to go on .. those are 2 points I need to own .. it was not about me.
My XAH was horribly emotionally/mentally abusive and I was able to get that out in court. So I found my validation in terms of speaking my truth and I confronted him about the emotional/mental abuse to the shock of all involved the judge allowed me to say what I needed to say.
I hope you will find your peace in realizing exactly how ill your sig other is and realize the garbage of I have feelings I don't have feelings is not what is lacking in you .. it's about them.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
