The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm hoping sharing about this will help. I realize we all have our stuff but last night and this morning I've had a bit of trouble embracing that rationalization concerning my recovering abf and sponsor. I feel hurt about how each of them treated me last night. My sponsor brought up a politically hot topic while the two of us were at fellowship with one another. My sponsor's life is settled in this area but mine is very definitely in flux and as she spoke more about it, much of the serenity I'd gained by attending the Alanon meeting was evaporating. Stress was building in me and I interrupted my sponsor and said I already knew about that with an aggravated look on my face. I'm not certain at this point whether despite knowing my life situation she is insensitive concerning how such the discussion might only exacerbate my fears or she thinks there is a program tool I should pull from my Alanon toolkit in such moments. It is my job however to discuss that with her in a loving way. Well anyway, she snapped at me angrily that I wasn't letting her finish what she had to say. It felt a bit intimidating for me initially - fear of "authority," being talked down to and shame surfaced just for a moment. Those emotions quickly transitioned to surprise and annoyance about her gruff response. I defended myself. My defense was to laugh, hold my hand up (talk to the hand style) and say I didn't mean to irk her. She then continued telling me what she intended to tell me about the topic of discussion.
I realize in sharing this with you that both I and my sponsor were a bit blindsided in that moment. We both shot from the hip. I was in emotional pain and I know looking back at the situation that I reacted with impatience (not so much impatience with her but the topic). When I said that I already knew about what she was about to share it was true but also I couldn't bear to hear about it. I have fears concerning it that I've yet to resolve with my hp. In that moment, I felt desperate for her to stop talking about it. I will be speaking with her and letting her know my feelings and not wanting personal opinions on such topics to be a part of our sponsor/sponsee relationship. I am responsible for loosing of boundaries concerning topics which are typically off limits for discussion in Alanon such as politics and religion. And despite the fact that we were no longer in a meeting and a sponsor/sponsee relationship of many years; our one to one fellowship with each other as sponsor/sponsee runs the risk of erosion over time with discussion of these hot button topics. Last night was a lesson in the fallout. There is a lot to be said for keeping it Alanon. I am recovering not "recovered" or "cured." The principles of recovery are so important for all my relationships. Although I'm confident in the solidity of the relationship between my sponsor and myself. I'm looking forward to spending our time more productively. My plan is to discuss what I want and need from her and be honest with her about my part and my feelings last night. I value her, am grateful to her and love her. I'll be sharing that too.
OK next... I come home last night and my abf is already home after his AA meeting. I want to have a conversation. He's on his computer and his back is to me. He keeps his back to me and is not responding so I don't know if he's listening ( I see some of you nodding that you relate ) Rather than say are you listening to me, I say he seems busy and maybe this isn't a good time to talk and that I can talk with him at another time. He insists he is listening. I ask if he could turn around so I don't feel like I'm talking to his back. He gets angry and turns around quickly and says something hurtful and sarcastic. I tell him to just forget it! I leave the room, go to bed. This morning he apologizes and says he had been mean. I just say yes you were. It's not the first time he's done this but frankly last night I felt like I was getting it from all directions. In truth, I think I'm doing pretty damn good with life on life's terms (not without problems like everyone) and have been using my program, my readings, my god to keep balance and serenity in my life each day. I know I don't have power over other people. I know we all have our stuff but honestly.. it hurts to be talked down to and barked at. So off he went to work with something to think about or not think about. That is up to him. For my part, I feel a bit done with rationalizing what is disrespectful and abusive treatment by using the tool of detachment. I expect, yes that right "expect" the same respect I give myself and I give to him by the way! My plan is to spend the day quietly and have a respectful conversation with him about this when I feel ready.
Thank you for reading my share if you've gotten this far. I'm grateful. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 11th of February 2017 02:36:14 PM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
(((TT))) - I hope you feel better with the share! I know writing about it, praying about it and talking about it are ways I was taught early on to 'Let go'...
I had a conversation this week that turned towards the political climate our Country is facing this week. I truly don't discuss politics with anyone other than my AH and we are a perpetually debate as we have opposing perspectives. But - we always have had so it's not new. It's also no more charged than before because we agree on the core concerns for our country and our people.
I just kept suggesting I was uncomfortable with the discussion and finally just said, You are smart and so am I. We both want the same outcome - we have differences on how that can happen. Let's set this aside and return to our planning - we were planning food for a couple who are down/out/surgery/etc.
I hung up and just shook my head. I've had a trying week here with life, so am more sensitive than usual. I tend to take more stuff personally when I am left of center. I know this well. I've been trying to use my PAUSE even more and I am constantly reminded that each of us was raised differently and what I value, respect and think may be perfectly opposite of others. Like in the program, I try to seek out the similarities instead of the differences.
Sending you hugs....you got this!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks (((iamhere))) I appreciate your share and your support. I feel less alone because of your response. I'm sorry you had a trying week. I relate to being more sensitive under such circumstances. My own week has been filled anticipation and let down. I've been trying to do positive things to keep my spirits up, remind myself that I've done what I can and just keep moving forward. Yesterday was particularly was disappointing. I was awaiting good news that didn't come. Nice of you to help the neighbors - something life affirming. Thank you for sharing that. I have to say after spending the day just myself and my hp, I'm no less disappointed about the negativity I experienced but you're right people are coming from different places. These are important people in my life and I accept them as they do me warts and all. I will get over this as I do usually by focusing on gratitude but I'm just not there yet. I'm not angry or resentful. Just feeling a bit sad about the whole thing. I appreciate your wisdom, caring and kindness. (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I read this and get grateful for the early lessons on taking it one hour at a time or one minute at a time when it feels impossible to do one day at a time. I love the lessons on inventories (mine) and locating my problems with anyone or thing and then reading the "changing me" directions. I am appalled each and every time I review the methods I employed at changing others especially my alcoholic/addict qualifier. And then...I ask HP for help and forgiveness again. That is part of how I work thru it. ((((hugs))))
Thanks for your share ((jerry))) Only a day has passed since surrendering this to my higher power and I'm already experiencing greater clarity and emotional balance. In these moments, I ask myself if there is anything I might have done differently.
Yes, luckily it's a one day at a time program and my hp is a loving one who is always available to me. When I pray for help to create positive changes in myself, my higher power answers. Sometimes a similar lesson will be on my path within a short time of enlightenment. I get a chance to make a different choice based on new awareness.
As far is the incidents I mentioned in my initial post, it's fortunate that all who are involved are in recovery. Everyone is open to discussion and growing in recovery. However, whether such an opportunity is available or not, my job is the same. With the help of my higher power, I inventory my own behavior and pray for my higher power's assistance with moving forward one day at a time in a growth affirming direction. Thy will not my will be done. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks for sharing. The only way I've put an end to abusive or hurtful behaviour is through firstly not being hurt in the first place. Understanding that this is most likely to do with how others see themselves rather than how they see me. It's like how can anyones words hurt us? They can't only we can give them that power and for me when I take a hurt it's about my own pity party. My self talk is all about what they are doing to me and it can grow for me to a full blown pity festival if I'm not careful. It can be enjoyable to feel this way bit I know better now so I can't stay there too long.
Secondly it's my responsibility to not accept unacceptable behaviour. Before alanon I thought it was others who were responsible for behaving well with me. Wrong. It's all mine. Words are useless. The whole dreaded we need to talk. We spend time and energy carefully laying down the rules and of course the other person first must take the blame. Why we think this is how change happens in alcoholism I don't know. God I spent yrs in talks and the answer was never in words. Only action. Removing myself from the room or house where the drama is starting up. It's a clear message none clearer for me. It's loud and clear I won't put up with unacceptable behaviour. Full stop.
Mahalo family for allowing me to be here and to read these words of wisdom and healing. I just know the impact on my day will be great. Thanks once more. (((hugs)))
Thanks for your response (((el-cee)) and sharing the progress you've made. Your statement - "Before Alanon, I thought it was others who were responsible for behaving well with me" is an important one. It's helped me to see my own progress in this area. If I choose to physically separate myself today, it's for my own serenity, my own well-being and my responsibility to myself to take care of myself. Sometimes physical separation is the best solution.
Others words can and do hurt me at times. Even if I don't internalize them, they hurt me because in that moment there's a sense of sadness that something negative took just place between myself and another person.It's just an icky feeling. It's as simple as that.
At times, I might not like what's being said or how but I'm grateful. Even though, we say in Alanon "What other people think of me is none of my business," confrontations with others, can uncover some hard truths concerning my own defects and accelerate my willingness to make make changes.
When I was a newcomer, many of my feelings were stuffed. Living in a chaotic situation, I operated from two places - fear and control. I couldn't clearly identify my other feelings. I only had time for your feelings or what I thought were your feelings. lol Today, through working the steps, I can express what I am feeling, trust what I am thinking and not project as to what anyone else's motivation might be in a given situation.
I don't need to be on high alert to protect myself from people, places or thing today. When necessary I can assert a boundary. It's not always necessary. Even if the other person is clearly in the wrong, I don't need to make sure they know that. That doesn't prove I'm recovering. lol I use to think it did. I'm not fearful that letting someone else's unacceptable behavior go is going to set a precedence of how I'm willing to be treated. I know how I am willing to be treated. If unacceptable behavior becomes habitual, then I address it.
I'm not one to distance myself and leaving people guessing as to why that happened. To me that's paramount to using silence as a weapon. I'm a believer in having open dialogue about what's happened whether in person, email whatever mode of communication. My higher power leads me as to when that can best to happen. Sometimes people just run into one another and talk it out. I am interested in responding to the other person's feelings. This is the humility piece that I must always work on. It's been amazing what I've learned when hp is steering the conversation instead of me. It's not my job to psychoanalyse anyone else's motives - analysis is paralysis. I do aim for compassionate understanding of others and myself as works in progress. I'm grateful that I can share my whole self with others today and not fear being vulnerable with other people. I don't fear letting my guard down because the god of my understanding always has my back. (((hugs)) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 12th of February 2017 01:56:50 PM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 12th of February 2017 02:07:31 PM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks. I agree it's when it gets habitual that boundaries are needed. In allowing ourselves to be human (I do struggle with perfectionism. ) we feel a full range of emotions allowing all of them. I do believe this to be a good sign of spirituality. I'm at the stage where I will not be hurt by others. I just won't allow it for long anyway. I've got old wounds still healing and I'm protective of myself. I won't allow others power over me. I have had a similar experience to you in which a member has shared and directed her sharing at me. This isn't on. It's not alanon. It's personality before principles. I worked through it by accepting she is sick as we all are to different extents. I tried to talk to her but she is stuck in the victim martyr role so her mind is closed. It's sad but If she ever does it again I will likely raise it at group conscious meeting. Thanks for the topic. It's good learning for me.x
I hope you have found some resolve for yourself and I so understand what you are referring to, the subject that is off limits to my bf are men's rights in a divorce situation .. lol. I know not fair on my part however good grief, after the hell I have been through over the past 5 years I do not feel that the way he supports me is easy for me to digest and I honestly have to say this is a difficult subject for me to have a discussion about today can we put a pin in it and revisit it at a later time. I try to do so in a kind way .. there are times I snap and just say enough and he realizes I mean enough. I have to have a couple of hours to mentally prepare for that kind of conversation so I am fully aware of my own overreactions to the situation.
All of the fear and anxiety about today's current politic land minds it is difficult to have specific conversations with specific people, and I find that to be a true statement in general. You have a right to put up a safe boundary regarding your feelings. I am sorry that this is a difficult topic at the moment though and it can be frustrating to try and sort through different feelings and thoughts.
The topics of conversation I am staying away from currently with specific people .. my current situation within the courts with my XAH, politics, religion as well as things within my personal life. Honestly, it's just no one else's business. I do go to the old adage of am I trying to get bread from the hardware store, as well as am I HALTing at the moment and do I need to address my needs and do some self care. When I react strongly to something I do find that I need to address my needs. Plus QTIP, how much am I taking personally and how much is just so not about me.
Big hugs and I do hope you have found some relief and outlet for your fears and anxiety. I think considering it's perfectly natural to be afraid of the unknown and the unknown climate that is swirling around us.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi TiredTonite, aka: TT!
It's amazing how a good night sleep can rejuvenate the mind, emotions, body, and our sinking spirit. Really appreciate you sharing the universal story of being a human being. We all struggle at times. When we recognize the presence of HALT, (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired), best to stop immediately and quench those basic needs before we approach anything or anybody. Just know, I can act like a godless beast if I haven't eaten at all. Eating "God-Produced Foods" that haven't been reprocessed or tampered with by "man", give the best fuel for curbing the mood swings. I got so tired of having to make 9th Step amends all the time to everyone, because I was grouchy & not thinking in my "God-Centered" mind. Restraint of tongue, pen, and keyboard has saved me and my recipients, tons of anguish from my mental storms of self-will-run-riot. When others are having a "bad hair day," I tend to ask God, under my breathe, to push the "Pause Button" for me. The 2nd quick prayer I say in a whispered tone is: "Bless them and CHANGE ME." It works... it really does!!
"TiredTonight," I pray you're able to get sleep, gently rest, and a big long nap this afternoon!!
P.S. --- What does, "QTIP" mean? It was used in an earlier post on this thread by another member.
) Rather than say are you listening to me, I say he seems busy and maybe this isn't a good time to talk and that I can talk with him at another time. He insists he is listening. I ask if he could turn around so I don't feel like I'm talking to his back. He gets angry and turns around quickly and says something hurtful and sarcastic. I tell him to just forget it! I leave the room, go to bed. This morning he apologizes and says he had been mean. I just say yes you were. It's not the first time he's done this but frankly last night I felt like I was getting it from all directions. In truth, I think I'm doing pretty damn good with life on life's terms (not without problems like everyone) and have been using my program, my readings, my god to keep balance and serenity in my life each day. I know I don't have power over other people. I know we all have our stuff but honestly.. it hurts to be talked down to and barked at. So off he went to work with something to think about or not think about. That is up to him. For my part, I feel a bit done with rationalizing what is disrespectful and abusive treatment by using the tool of detachment. I expect, yes that right "expect" the same respect I give myself and I give to him by the way! My plan is to spend the day quietly and have a respectful conversation with him about this when I feel ready.
