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This might sound like a strange question, but how do you know when it's enabling instead of good parenting? I decided not to let my son get a driver's license until he could pay for it himself, including insurance. He is now 18 and still does not have a license, just got his first job (since being out of school) a few weeks ago, first paycheck coming this Friday. I know that I have in the past enabled him a great deal just to get him through school. But here's the thing. I am getting up at 3:30 in the morning to take him to work, then going to work myself at 8 until 6 at night. He's thinking now that he is working (all 3 days a week...) he shouldn't have to do a lick of work around the house. He's mean to his younger sisters (but not actually abusive...bordering on it, though) and totally disrespectful of me. I had banned him from the computer for a brief time because of certain behaviors, I did this by putting an admistrative password on the bios. He overrode this, though, by going inside the computer tower itself and resetting it. He pretty much does what he wants when he wants at whatever cost it may be TO SOMEONE ELSE. But...according to the law here, I have to let him live with me or pay child support to him (yeah, I'm not giving him a dime!). So, I get up and take him to work, etc...
Anyhow, I don't know where I was going with this, except, how do you know if you are just parenting, or if you are enabling?
my step daughter lived with us until recently, she worked, but paid no rent and did nothing around the house. My husband refused to do anything about it and was a source of problems in our marriage and still is since she finally got mad at me, moved out and is mooching off Grandma. Where do these kids get the idea that parents have to take care of tem forever? My boys know at 12 know if they don't go to school they get a job and pay rent! They have to learn there are no free rides. I moved out at 17 went to college and worked, bought my first car myself. I think those days r gone for some reason, or the kids seem to think they r gone. It is up to us to teach them differently. Setting the bar high, loving them unconditinally and staying involved myself in their activities will help, I pray.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I'm coming to this crossroads myself with my 15 and 13 yo's.
I'm not ready to let them face nor am I ready to face some of their natural consequences so it appears I continue to enable in some ways.
It's an odd and eerie feeling that you have to let your 13yo suceed or fail on her own. But I'm starting to see that if I don't, she won't know how to on her own later on, and in the long term that is a far worse crime.
Nobody says you have to provide transport to his job. At 18 Nobody says you have to do his laundry. Nobody says you have to cook his meals. I'm not saying to stop doing those things punatively but if he's not helping out in other areas, you can make choices where you chose to help him out as well.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
My oldest son is turining 19. I also have 15 and 17 year old daughters as well as my little sons, and my 17 year old (other son, the boy who lives with us).
I have fought the enblaing issue with them often. We have found a middle ground that so far has worked for us.
My son goes to Community College and lives at home. I follow the old adage is you live in this house you live by the rules. This is a family, we all contributte, we all have chores and we all have responsibilities. When they turn 16, I send them to driving school, and they get their permitts. When they get their license it is up to them to follow DMV"s rules. I will not pay their tickets. I bought them each their first used car, and I pay the insurance fully till the end of 1st semester college. Then they pay half each year until they are out of college. The cars stay in my name unitl they graduate.
My son plays Tennis for his College. His grades are good and we agreed that he does not have to work during Tennis season as he is traveling and has lots of practices. This is good as long as his grades stay up. He returns to work for the summer and fall once the semester is over. He is responsible for his gas and social expenses. He runs errands for me, helps with teh young kids and does chores around the house, as does my "other older son." My daughters also help with the little guys, house cleaning, errands etc. My 17 year old daughter just got her car, she doesn't do sports during the spring, so she has a job. She pays her gas, her social life and anything she needs. I deal with the normal things as well as paying for prom, yearbooks and her school ring. She also knows grades have to stay up.
They all carry cell phones and I can always reach them. They know as long as I can trust them, curfews are negotiable, and they have a certain amount of freedom. None of them have as of yet given me any reason not to trust them.
I stay involved in their lives. Talk to them often about everything. I am thier biggest fans at their sports and a familier face in their schools. I make sure I know their friends and that their friends are welcomed here.
I take care of the drivers licenses, inurance, financial aid for schools etc. What thye do after that is up to them.
I told my oldest son. Your college is paid, you have a car, you have a place to live. You now have the keys to whatever doors you want to open. Now it is up to you. I am here for advice and guidance, but you must now pick your own path.
I believe it is my job to give them what they need to succeed. I give them every opportunity I can. I cannot make them take them. I feel that is parenting, not enabling.
The one thing I have learned through dealing with my husband and his parents, is what kind of parent I don't want to be. I can be a good Mom and provide the good things in life, while still holding them accountable. Children of all ages need responsibilities. They need rules, and they need to be accountable, we all do. Trust has to be earned and we all have to learn to clean up after ourselves. I have learned that I can try and make their lives comfortable while still giving them the satisfaction of doing things on their own.
Something must be working as they are all very generouse. In between paychecks they are always willing to help me out. They are always willing to help with Tpaper, shampoo etc. while they are out. They arestill kids and yes I do have to remind them to take the garbage out, but there is usually no fuss, they do it.
I think the key is responsibility and most of all respect, both ways.
