The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As a child I was desperate to be rescued from my family of origin and I have really played that out a lot in my life. There is a theory of relating called the Karpman's triangle and my family of origin pretty much lived that. That meant that everyone was competing to be the victim (my elder sister would in theory kill to be the victim she is that violent) and acting as perpetrator (in the case of my elder sister she is still an incredible bully and really controlling) or victim (in the case of my younger sister she portrays the ultimate martyr putting up with my elder sister's boundary violations, bullying and more and says she feels sorry for her!). Of course in my family of origin as in my relationship there is recriminations, blame, shame and more and very very little diect communication. I have had very very few conversations in my family of orign where I said what I felt (without manipulation) and there was absolutely no intimacy. I don't think there is much if any intimacy in my relationship with the A or that I would know it if I saw it.
What I was left with in that family of origin where violence and sexual abuse was rife was a tremendous wish to be rescued and needed and cherished which never happened. In fact that fantasy of being rescued set me up to believe in fantasy relationships rather than to acquire the tools and skills I needed for a "real" relationship. I still have that tremendous need to be rescued and to "rescue". I work really hard to acknowledge when those buttons are hit and to try to grieve my desperate need to be rescued as a child and to rescue my parents from their layers of desperation, pathology and downright craziness (both of them were addicts on various levels as well as psychotic at times). I could not heal my parents obviously because I was a child at the time with no resources to speak of. I try to rescue myself these days rather than try to rescue the A from things he does not want to be rescued from (substance abuse) or his family of origin (they have their own incredible dysfunction). Nevertheless I am still left with an incredible longing that can really get me into trouble at times At times that longing and grief turns into self pity, despair and depression and rage too that I was so neglected and abandoned as a child and I feel so incredibly neglected and abandoned in this relationship too. Sometimes for me there is no line between the adult me and the neglected abandoned child I was and that for me is the bermuda triangle I sometimes don't come out of for days, weeks, years at a time.
maresie__________________" I am still left with an incredible longing that can really get me into trouble at times At times that longing and grief turns into self pity, despair and depression and rage too that I was so neglected and abandoned as a child and I feel so incredibly neglected and abandoned in this relationship too. Sometimes for me there is no line between the adult me and the neglected abandoned child I was and that for me is the bermuda triangle I sometimes don't come out of for days, weeks, years at a time.
rosie_____________oh can i relate to ur post......i too had a DESPERATE need to be rescued as a child.....i was victimized with beatings/ putdowns/ sex assaults by my father......i lived in a fantasy world where i was loved / cherished/ adored/ protected/ my NEEDS being met...and this "going to my happy other world" became and is an addiction for me...........
to address it, am doing DEEP inner child work....remembering all the things who did and said to me that hurt me.....OWNING it.......ACCEPTING that this DID happen and it DID hurt/ anger me and i now ALLOW the feelings.....and UNDERSTAND WHY my inner child acts out as she does............bingeing on food (needing comfort) fantasizing (mr. right comming to rescue/ cherish/ love/ adore me, etc) when i know that i have to get my needs met by ME....i FIRST have to integrate and ACCEPT that hurting WOUNDED inner child and go thorugh all her memories, and outrage and grief to intetrate and become WHOLE.......until i accept/ embrace and integrate with my inner child, i'll be fragmented and needing OUTside sources for my basic needs being met.......i choose to intetrage/ embrace that hurt/bleeding/wounded inner child who IS me, but is split from me cuz i had to leave her in order to shut down and survive the sex attacks and other abuse.....i had to do it in order to survive.......NOW i have to "out us back together" ....i do this by EVERY day, talking and reassuring my IC, that i understand WHY she is so afraid, and WHY she has abandonment issues, WHY she cannot trust, etc, etc, and i validate her reasons and her pain, and i than do self talk to tell her "NOW i am HERE for you and u r SAFE now and i LOVE u now,, etc etc" so i WONT need outside sources to meet the needs that can ONLY come from me........i hope this helps u some.....take what works, and leave the rest.........rosie
(((((((mar)))))) Had to send ya a hug. Good for you venting and getting it out. That is very courageous to share such painful stuff.
What I do sometimes is burrow in, cocoon in etc. Get all warm and comfy and have my critters close, good food by me and not think of anything but the moment. Block bad thoughts. Give my heart and head a break.
I also will write down the day of the week and what I need to do. Do it and be done. So that way I don't get concerned I forgot something.
I don't know about you but I used to wake up and immediately be freaked by what I had to do.
