The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been working a lot on my work issues and working on not being overinvolved at work. In doing my family of origin work I can see my family of origin has always been this stew of muddy boundaries, blurred boundaries, second guessing and more.
I have transferred that way of relating to many many areas. Many of the support groups I used to belong to were full of blurred boundaries, over invovlement, over commitment (yes I am ms over committed) and tremendous resentment.
These days at work and in my relationships I am working on being clear, being boundaried and being absolutely one hundred per cent committed to my needs. I can in a moment lose myself and be committed to everyone's needs but my own. Recently someone who I worked with last year moved into my area. On many levels we have a lot in common but her boundaries are way off. I experienced lots of issues with that last year. Whenever I tried to set boundaries with her then (and we were in a work setting) she went into a huge sulk. Unfortunately she has pretty much set up the same patterns in her being a neighbor. I have been careful not to blur any boundaries with her and to be really clear about what I have to offer. I am relieved these days when I am around someone and can see them project onto me. For example she projected the other day that I was off out for a day of leisure when I was in fact off to do more of the daily survival tasks I have been doing for a long time.
My patterns would have been in the past to over comit to a relationship, over commit to demands (after all I grew up with demands as a child as a style of relating) and not pause for thought. I have given this neighbor a good chance and been very pleasant and now find that I have to withdraw (and I intend to do that politely). I have nothing to gain from this friendship. I would like to have a number of closer relationships but I think I will have to do that by going to ftf meetings and other settings. I know these days to honor my intuition rather than argue with it.
For me its been a long and hard struggle with people pleasing and limit setting. For example I would always in the past buy the A more presents and gifts on birthdays than he did for me. Then I would be incredibly disappointed and feel cheated. These days I focus on reciprocity. These days I focus on being present and just doing my part not all the parts. I focus on being boundaries rather than being a people pleaser. I also focus on taking care of me I don't think I have ever done that before.
Obviously I am new at it and I need to have a lot of years in before I really feel the effects nevertheless I can definitely feel a shift.
Thank you for posting this. I really needed to hear this. Allowing myself to become over involved with everyone else's problems and never taking care of my own needs has been my downfall too.
Even though,through Alanon,I now recognise how much I fall into the "little miss helpful" role,I am finding it incredibly difficult to break the habit. I guess I need to work a lot harder on boundary setting for myself. Only yesterday a friend came to me with an issue she was perfectly capable of sorting out for herself,and I jumped straight in and took the burden from her,dropping myself in a whole load of work and expense for myself!! Now today am up to my neck in in a problem of my own making!! I know now(too late) I didn't need to take the action I took,I only needed to listen and offer suggestions for her to do what she had to do.She is as capable as I am of doing the work involved,and while she can put her feet up and relax today,I have a days work ahead of me,and no benefit for me at all. Grrrrrrrrr....when will I ever learn??
It's odd that,as soon as I opened my mouth and jumped in to rescue her,I realised too late that I had dropped myself in it.She,of course,accepted my offer immediately and went off a happy bunny to be relieved of the burden.After she left I wondered why on earth I'd been so quick to rescue yet again.
Strange also that I am so independant that,on the rare occassions I actually do get an offer of help,I reject it out of hand and struggle on and do it myself. Hmmmmm. Another lesson for me to learn!
