The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since the death of my friend so suddenly and unexpectedly I have really really been leaning into my program. Lots of meetings, readings, and reflection. Its amazing how you can put things in perspective after a tragedy. Surprisingly Ive done a lot of growth. Ive gained some tolerance, I have relied mainly on my HP for trust and guidance, I have truly changed my perspective in believing what I see and not what others tell me to be true. The light bulb really started to burn bright and I was eager to attempt step 4. Until today,.......On 3 separate occasions I was attacked verbally by 3 different people because I was essentially 1. Staying in my own lane 2. Not participating in JADE and 3. Saying what I meant meaning what I said. Only one of the people had an addiction issue and the other was severely codependent. I have gone over the conversation several times, one was in text so I re read it and re read it, wondering where the conversation took a skid. Two different people who witnessed the other two attacks both were like WOW wasn't expecting that! I did not react in any of them and the one was clearly trying to gaslight me and my response was ok you may be right. So now I am sitting here feeling some kind of way, and I know if I cant get a grip on it soon, I am going to take it personally and react. Some ESH please
When I am bothered in some way, most likely I played a part that I am not seeing. As I grew and continue to grow spiritually, I realized that everybody has something, everyone is imperfect and it's not my job to label them, diagnose them or judge them. Anytime I have conflict, I am looking to see what I could have done different/better. If I have more than one conflict in a day, I am talking to my sponsor.
So - for me, the answers always are within me and my attitude, outlook, perceptions, etc. In my life, there are certainly some who trigger me more than others. I've learned to be more guarded around them, but work hard to be consistent in my treatment of others. I do work hard to 'stick with the winners'....it helps me align with like-minded folks.
My best suggestion is to lean into your program and trust the process. There is no deadline for reacting, responding or recovery. We always have choices and can choose to dwell and obsess over another or to let it go and let God have it. I heard early in recovery, "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?" At the time, it stopped me as I would have chosen 'right' 9 out of 10 times before recovery. Now, I'll take happy always - I no longer concern myself with being right - I leave that up to God as well.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I had a situation where someone had politely insulted me. We were sending text messages back and forth to each other. They were being passive aggressive, and that was bothering me because the things they were saying were still there. Just because you say something nice to someone in the same sentence of insulting them, does not mean you are not insulting them. I reread the messages over and over and really damaged my own peace of mind. I just disengaged for a few days and practiced the pause. Even though in my mind I was angry and confused I did not want to talk to this person until I figured it out. I decided to not rely on that person for certain things. That I had to draw boundaries for myself and change the type of things that I talked to this person about. For me, it did help to know that this friend grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent, and perhaps their coping skills and approach to life was influenced by the fact that they were an adult child of an alcoholic. I did not mean that in a insulting way but in a gentle kinder way. I am an adult child of an alcoholic too, and I use to have and still have some bad coping skills.
Even before reading your responses which I thank you for I began looking for an answer: I found the answer and I actually found it in the AA big book Acceptance " Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place thing or situation, some fact of my life unacceptable to me. I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I can accept life on life's terms I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to change in the world as on what needs to change in me and my attitudes." As a ACOA as well, along with marriages with Alcholics, I have the trait to overreact to changes I cannot control.
In one of the situation, although I was responding in a clear way saying what I meant and meaning what I said, I could not accept that no matter what I said the person was going to do what they felt was necessary. I have no control over what they are going to do and the way they think. I do in a professional way as I govern the plan of care. However, I cannot control the way they react to my professional decisions or how they feel about them. In the second situation, I could not accept that I again was manipulated even though I told myself I wasn't disappointed. Finally in the 3rd situation by text, I couldn't accept that the other person would not accept my answer. No is a complete sentence. I should have left it at that.
Good on you Suzann - love that part of the Big Book....I love that you went searching for the solution!!! So often, habit, pattern, ACoA, FOO - we get stuck sitting in the problem. I'm very willing in recovery to do what I need to for the solution....I am no longer comfortable in the alternate place!! Keep working it!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I deal with people every day at work who are rude and obnoxious. I would not agree that someone generally had a part in it. Some people have huge entitlement issues
I think it's actually important not to obsess on conversations Certainly some people can trigger issues for us When I am triggered it is good to be aware of our issues
We don't live in a perfect work. One of the program slogans is life on life's terms. People are rude
I recently had a very dear friend of mine did unexpectedly I could be working out why for a long time I know life is precious I am part of the preciousness. I don't deserve to have people be ride to me. When they are rude I don't agree with them
IAM thank you some things in the big book are just so applicable ....working through the uncomfortable parts of myself is just scary sometimes, and I find it remarkable that when I turn these uncomfortable things over to my HP I am usually led right to the answer. It is so easy to fall back into unhealthy patterns. Awareness and Acceptance is something I am going to have constantly work on. I also recognize the ACOA trait of being too hard on myself, but it is so much easier, to be aware of a situation, accept the situation, person or thing, own my part in it, forgive anything on the others part and move on. Getting stuck on feeling some sort of way and not addressing is what causes my resentments. True, Maresie25, some people just not are not nice to be around, and I have no control of them. Accepting that, and them, and not taking it personally is a huge thing for me. I no longer tolerate verbal abuse, but I can and continue to work on getting caught up in their inventory rather than bless them change me.
I hear you Fooled.....I can completely relate. For those who are unpleasant, I practice what the Prayer of St. Francis suggests as I am assuming they are hurting or they would not be unpleasant. That helps me to accept them as they are, avoid taking it personally and praying for them. I do not believe that anyone wakes up in the morning, and asks themselves how they can make others around them miserable, sad, angry, etc. I believe they are suffering in some manner and don't have the gift of desperation that helps them consider changing.
Glad to see you working the program - also glad that YOU are seeing progress for/in you! Keep doing what you're doing and it seems to keep getting better and better.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
