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I am frustrated with (not my AS) but my EX Hub. I know I can't change his behavior or his choices but it is killing me because I know his so called badgering to my AS is pushing my son further away. My ex continues to text my son with guilt ridden messages. He is just as manipulating as my AS. He just doesn't get that he has to let go. He refuses to attend meetings on line or face to face. He won't even read about addiction. I try to give my thoughts but it just doesn't register with him; he just gets defensive with me. All of this has to come in his own time, I get that but I can't help to think that as long as he continues what he is doing my son won't be able to experience his journey to the fullest and get sick and tired. The only thing he is getting sick and tired is his dad. :(
((Beth)) we are indeed powerless over people, places and things. Continue to practice your program, do not abandon your hard won serenity and remember HP is in control.
My ex husband texts guilt-inducing stuff at my daughter too. I hate it and want to protect her from it. And there's just nothing I can actually do about it. The best I have figured is, she's going to have a relationship with her father for the rest of their lives. And hes going to be who he is, and she's going to have to learn to navigate that and learn to set her own boundaries and experience the dissapointments and everything that goes with it. If I try to protect her from it, it usually backfires and just ends up in resentment towards me. So all i can do is detach and trust in her ability to navigate her own relationships which, I guess, I want her to be able to do because that's part of her growth and her journey too!
Hey Beth - so sorry for the frustration you are having/feeling. I can so relate to this - my AH is a very passive/aggressive soul and he would sit with his denial and not engage while I spun in circles....then he would rise up a bit from the denial and engage in crazy ways....it drove me crazy for the longest time!!
It took me time in recovery to be able to accept this was well beyond 'my scope'....I had to learn to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean! Before recovery, my family (AH & 2 A Sons) did this insane dance where they all spoke, argued and processed 'through me'. I allowed myself to be the monkey in the middle and it about drove me over the edge. I had allowed myself to become the center spoke for dysfunctional communication and it was a god-awful position to be in.
I learned to say things such as -
I am sorry what your father says hurts you; perhaps you can tell him how you feel.
I understand your frustration with our son; perhaps you can explain it to him.
I am on my way to a (insert something here); please call him and talk this out.
I literally (with God, my sponsor and trusted program friends) removed myself from this scenario and retrained them to see me and hear me as a separate entity. It still happens today, and I listen actively and often say, That is kind of how he's always been - you have a choice to engage or not.
I spent years trying to protect my sons from the antics, words, deeds, etc. of my AH. All it did was prevent them from growing and caused chaos, stress and tons of anger. I no longer will serve as the 'monkey in the middle'.
My truth today is I am here to listen but I don't have the ability to mend your conflicts. My sons are in war right now and it feels good to not pick a side, stay on my side of the street and pray for them both. It's not my job to help others have good relationships - who knew?
I agree with Betty - God is in charge. He works miracles every day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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