The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's C2C talks about learning to distinguish what is and isn't our business; when we can tell the difference and become able to allow other people to handle their own business instead of thinking we have to "look after" everyone, we can then start to take notice of and attend to out own needs properly instead of sometimes making ourselves literally sick through over-involvement in other people's affairs.
It discusses the importance of listening to and learning from the signals coming from our own bodies, souls and HP's and making sure we are not hungry, angry, lonely or tired and suggests that when we ensure we are properly taken care of in these ways, we have more success detaching appropriately from other people's dramas and problems.
The reading reminds us that we do not have to wait until our health, finances or emotional well being collapse under the strain of everyone's burdens; instead we can pay attention to our own needs and take care of them properly.
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I know I spent most of my life pushing myself to care for others until I collapsed in every possible way; when i arrived at the door of al-anon, I was almost always sick, my finances were in ruins from endlessly supporting my qualifier, and I had no idea of what my needs or wants even were, much less how to take care of them. Learning to listen to myself and discovering what my body, mind and spirit actually needed was at first very uncomfortable an then very enjoyable. I like knowing that i get better and better at taking care of me and that it isn't at all selfish to do so because I am less resentful and no longer feel that anyone "owes me" anything because I gave more than I had to spare. When I give time, money or emotional support to someone now, it is because I have it to give and do so without an expectation of any return an that is a much more loving and giving place to be. Honoring myself is not only better for me, but better for everyone in my life as well. I'm very grateful to finally understand that.
Wonderful share--thanks, left my books at home but am traveling and I am so grateful to you for sharing on today's page. I could relate to feeling so depleted from tending everyone's needs and not learning to MYOB early on. MYOB felt incredibly selfish until I started deeply listening to shares and reading the CAL with an open mind, establishing new habits to replace my old caretaking ones. Being able to look at how my anxiety about someone else's lack of self care (more so than my generosity) caused me to be intrusive & as How Al-anon Works states in step 1: my "help" demonstrated a kind of disrespect, did them a disservice and created discord. Someone told me in order to MYOB, I better get some business to mind. Al-anon has given me losts fo business to mind and service opportunity to get focus off of others and learn to have concern for them without being consumed by them. Still have a ways to go, but it is my practice to keep trying to apply the principles to EVERY AREA!
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
Thank you for sharing this page and ESH MissM, good stuff...
This called to mind two groups: those who refuel their auto when it hits 1/4 tank, and those who push it until they are coasting down hills and gripping on uphills, wondering if they will make it to the fuel station because there was too much to do to stop for fuel earlier (yes, I have done this too many times).
In a program sense, before I found AlAnon I pushed myself and others past the Empty point, trying to force and push just a little more to get where I thought I/they needed to go. This resulted in me and my qualifier running out of emotional fuel as I didn't pay attention to my internal gauges or theirs. Recovery has helped me be more aware of my own limits, and those of others, and that trying to push beyond them helps no one.
Refueling at 1/3 tank requires less time than at 45 miles past the red light warning, allows more choice of when/where, and involves much less stress and time waste than calling for a fuel can from Roadside Assistance. I am grateful for the guidance and encouragement for self care and self awareness
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good Morning Ms.M, Paul and Luv I do so appreciate this reading from the C2C and your thoughts on the subject. I know that before program, I was always "Helping others" to my detriment and felt as if I had no choice regardless of how I felt .Entering alanon and being asked to " examined my motives" I soon discovered that my "helping" was not my simply being kind. I thought that if I helped people they in turn would reciprocate, like me and help me. That was not how it worked.
The ODA T reading for today suggests that we look at ourselves dispassionately and in a detached manner so that we do not become victims of self-pity or resentment, and can then see what we are doing that hurts us. The reading suggests that we ake effortt t prevent the destructive emotion of self-pity from being allowed to take hold.
The reading suggests that if we feel that what we are doing is right, we will not be dependent on the admiration or applause of others. We must learn to judge own motives, to evaluate our own actions and little by little we can bring them into the standards of our new ideals
the quote is from Marcus Aureliuss ; "labor not as one who is wretched, nor yet as one who would be pitied or admired. Direct yourself to one thing only, to put yourself in motion and to check yourself at all times."
I would sum the above quote is staying stay in your own hula and focus on yourself. I know that by practicing this program,using the Steps, slogans and becoming honest, open and willing I am much better able to help others then before because I am taking care of myself , my needs first and can give from my abundance not my lack.
Thank you for you share, it literally brought joyous tears to my eyes. I too have always wanted to please everyone else and once I began a relationship with my qualifier I never noticed I was neglecting myself until recently. It did feel selfish and odd and first and was hard especially when he was telling me that I only care about myself. But doing things for myself has made my life so much happier, calmer, healthier. I'm so thankful I have found this board and al-anon, although I do not attend meetings and I know I need to, the literature and this board are amazing!
I know that by practicing this program,using the Steps, slogans and becoming honest, open and willing I am much better able to help others then before because I am taking care of myself , my needs first and can give from my abundance not my lack.