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At the present time I have a friend or ex-bf, in the hospital who is very sick. I thought he was just going for detox as usual but he has hepatitis B, and has been in the ICU for 5-6 days. We have been broken up for about three years. We stay in touch sometimes, we have the same friends, and I have been close with his family members. He is not a very nice man when he drinks a lot, and has been abusive in the past. I have set strict boundaries for him and I usually am good about sticking to them. I have two phones and he only has one of the numbers, and I will not talk to him if he is too drunk, or verbally abusive. We do not spend any physical time together, any contact has only been through the phone. Now he is very sick, and his sister has been letting me know how he is doing, and he is not doing very good at all. One of the reasons why I do not see him is because I knew he would get really sick, and I was not going to watch him die. I was not going to go through this because it is so traumatic because I have been exposed to alcoholism all my life. My father was an alcoholic, and I have friends that have died from hepatitis and cirrhosis already. I am a recovering addict, and I have worked so hard to get that out of my life. I hardly have any friends because they were all alcoholics or drug addicts, or in abusive relationships. I have cut myself off from everyone because of the anxiety and drama, and heartache that goes with that lifestyle. Now I am faced with this, and I do not know what to do. I don't think I can turn my back on this situation, he went to detox to get sober, but he was so sick already. I do not know how long he has had the hepatitis. Nobody knew he had it. He had lost his home and was in a hotel room drinking heavily. He has been in and out of the hospital because he runs out of money and has to go for detox. One hospital said he could not even go there anymore. His sister has been at the hospital, and nobody expects anything from me. I have known about how sick he is but he is a grown man, and I have been through this with him when we were together, and recovery never last. He barely tries to do it anymore. I am hoping he recovers and has realized he has hit rock bottom, and knows his life has become unmanageable. What kind of boundaries do you set when someone is in ICU, and so sick? I am kind of lost right now.
-- Edited by shrnp on Wednesday 18th of January 2017 12:56:31 PM
-- Edited by shrnp on Wednesday 18th of January 2017 12:56:55 PM
Hey shmp! Glad you found us! My heart goes out to you as I read your post. It sounds like you have a good recovery program of your own and have learned how to set some boundaries. Only you can decide when those boundaries can change. Have you taken the situation to your HP? Taken the time to really pray and then listen for the answer? I will be praying with you! ((hugs))
Welcome shrnp I am sorry you are facing this painful situation and would like to assure you that you are not alone. As you already know, alcoholism is a chronic progressive, fatal disease and we who interact with it need a recovery program of our own . Alanon is that program Please do reach out to the face to face meetings in your community for the support and understanding you need at this time.
There is hope and please do keep coming back here as well.
I am unable to go to any meetings right now, because I do not drive and live in a rural area. I saw there is an online meeting I will see if I can join that. I have been to AA, that was years ago. Thanks for replying.
Welcome shrnp, glad to have you and sorry to hear about the pain you have experienced in your life. I, too, can relate to the pain and feelings of isolation that drinking in a loved one can bring.
I have found AlAnon to be a life changer, a tremendous help in many ways. I found great comfort in AlAnon reading material, any of the daily readers like Courage to Change, or Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts and How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics are helpful, too.
As others have noted, you always have prayer and your HP, and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers...hang in there
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
shrnp - I too send a warm welcome to you. I too have found support, help and hope in Al-Anon meetings, program, steps and fellowship. So very sorry for the circumstances you are in - it's really tough to watch the damage of this disease in action. Sending you prayers and positive thoughts!
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Someone who was very close to the ex abf was assaulted. He pay in a coma for six months.The ex abf among others did not go to see him. He eventually died. There is no doubt no one was at his side when he died
Alcoholism and addiction is really nasty. I cared about this man's plight probably a lot more than his friend's did. His son certainly cared but he is too addicted as well. But I.cannot really deny he did care he just couldn't cope.
There are lots of people on this board who have lost souses, boyfriends, children to this disease. There is a lot of support out there
The problem with this disease is even it is a disease it requires boundaries. A friend of mine committed suicide recently. I was in the middle of a job change. I didn't have the bandwidth to go g wrt support. Now I have gone through the job change I have more time and energy to pursue support. My friend's suicide affected me deeply. I cried for days
Whatever support you choose. Know that al.anon is a good option. Your boundaries are important. Alcoholism is always there tryingbti break down boundaries. When I heard my friend committed suicide my initial impulse was to reconnect with some former co workers who were really toxic to me. I am glad I resisted. The other instinct was to find out what The circumstances were. I was willing with an al.anon program to let that go. Because I had an al.anon program I could also tolerate the non response I got from certain people. That would have been a huge trigger in the past.
Whatever you do, and it is your choice, be kind to yourself, be compassionate, be generous to yourself
Hi shrnp, I've found that leaning on my higher power working Step 10 can be helpful in times of indecision. In such situations I want to be sure that I'm responding rather than reacting to a situation. I can usually get more answers by doing an inventory and rooting out honestly my reasons for wanting to engage or disengage concerning a situation or person on my life's journey. This helps me to see my motive and sharing with my sponsor gives me more clarity about my thinking. Sometimes I'm just too personally close to someone or too attached to a certain outcome to see clearly. It helps to parse this out with another person in the program - a person who knows me well as well as my hp through prayer.
Ultimately, what Alanon has taught me is that it's absolutely OK to say yes to me and no to another person especially if I feel it will compromise my serenity and recovery. With acceptance of my limitations, I can surrender it all to my higher power and listen for answers. Wishing you the best as you work through the emotions and actions you are considering concerning your exabf. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Maresie25, thanks for responding, my friend is still in the hospital. I have been working the steps and attending the on line meetings. It has really been helpful. I realized that I needed the fellowship, and it has brought me a lot of peace of mind.
tiredtonite, thanks for responding. I have been working really hard to respond without being over emotional. I have not been to the hospital or even called. I wanted to really understand what boundaries I have to make in this situation that would be healthy for me. I have been working on the second step for the past couple of days. I have found a lot of resources on line because I cannot get to a physical meeting, and that has really helped.
Thanks for the responses, I don't know how being alone creeps up on you, but it sure does.
shrnp - I found in recovery that I would much rather be alone than be with bad company!! Keep working the program - it takes time and practice, but the gifts we get are beyond words...(((hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think it was actually easier for me to run in and act the hero. Then I could feel better and feel less vulnerable. Sittingbwith my feelings was actually much much harder
I have not gone to see the people who I used to work with who were with my friend on the day he committed suicide. I chose the path of taking care of myself
For someone like me taking care of myself is a heroic act.
When my ex AbF's friend was in the hospital in a coma I did not go to see him. He was not my friend It wasn't my place to go. Neither was it my fault that none of his friend's or family went.
It is very very very new for me to put myself first. In my life I generally came last. I feel so much better about being away from the bed ABF. He treats everyone badly not just me. He sings friendship and family when it suits him. In reality all he cares about is his habit and of course causing chaos I have had a lifetime of being last on the list. Unknowingly I put myself last. Now I don't Maresie25
Iamhere, I like being alone too, it feels so unnatural sometimes because many people like to be around others. I enjoy not having to worry about what someone else is thinking about me. I don't like to always be reacting, I like just being, if that makes sense.
shrnp - I hear you on the 'just being'....it's good to find and be authentic. I have a very full life - things I enjoy/need to do - always working on balance. But, I am very content to be by myself as well. I was a huge reactor so physical separation from 'events' and 'qualifiers' was helpful as well as just keeping my mouth closed....then I learned I could listen actively and pause before responding. Responding with my truth took me time - it was a bit overwhelming and frightening. It all gets better with time, practice and support.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
