The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a younger brother that lives 8 hours away and has been struggling with his alcohol and drug addiction for years now. He is now facing legal charges of abuse toward his gf. He is now homeless and without a job. I feel so bad for him but at the same time he made his bed and now needs to deal with it. There is nothing I can do about it but suggest he get help.
The problem is me. I find I am taking on his issues and wanting to solve them for him. I find myself obsessing over his issues. I can not do anything for him. I had to access help for myself 25 years ago, counseling, AA, Al-Anon treatment centers, psychiatric wards, ect to get to where I am today. I could have ended up where he is at now, but I made the choice to access help before I went down that road. I know I have to detach, detach but its hard as my instincts says help him, help him...
I have to work on myself and say, he will figure it out himself, he is not helpless. I need to worry about me and what I have to do. I noticed if someone is needing help, I become obsessed about them and want to jump in. I need to have a thicker skin and say, he/she will figure it out and leave it alone. I have work to do on myself..they are adults with a brain, they can figure it out like I had to.
I just wanted to share this, as I was reading on line here and I saw a pattern with myself. I need to learn to detach, detach and let the person be...and worry about myself only!
I am sorry to read about your struggles, and I am glad that you have support in the program to help you cope with them.
One thing I learned (and am still learning) in dealing with my wife and her disease: sometimes the most helpful, caring, compassionate thing I can do is to stay out of her business and carry on with my day. I show her love and respect by trusting her to be able to figure things out, or to ask directly for help when she needs it. IT took a long time, but I think I am finally starting to understand the loving part of loving detachment.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thanks for sharing. I agree with Skorpi, its such a relief to know that loving someone can mean allowing them the dignity to help themselves and to mind our own business. The best we can do is set an example really. We would love to think we can help or have the answers or are needed but its usually our ego speaking, we want to run the show at times and can have inflated ideas of our own power. We have no way of truly knowing whats good or right for another human being.
(((Joker))) - so sorry that the pull of the disease is reaching out for you. I believe it happens to us all - hence the cunning, baffling part I believe. My best course of action when I am troubled is working on Acceptance of my powerlessness. Better stated - back to Step 1 so I can move forward again. I also have found meetings to be very comforting when the disease is pulling on me.
You are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is so hard to resist dtepping in sometimes, but for me it is about respect. I was so disrespectful to my husband, treating him like a child who was incapable of doing the smallest things to manage his own life. I had a huge ego and really thought I could fix everything. Man was I full of myself. Ha ha ha. The disease does that to us. It likes to convince us that we can take HP's role and run thngs for people. Of course for me that just leads me down the road to insanity.
So, I try to remember that respect for the other person, no matter who it is, means letting them deal with their own stuff. And when I'm so very tempted to meddle, I do what you just did. I turn to my Al-Anon family for reminders of healthier ways to live.
(((((((((((((((((((Joker)))))))))))))))))) You're right where you are supposed to be, and you are not alone.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Hi Joker, not much more I can add to the wisdom already presented here. I had to learn and be reminded that the other person has a HP and it's not me. To lead by example and keep my house in order. By doing this I can be helpful in the right ways if the time comes. Sometimes the most beneficial coarse of action is no action. We need to be careful not to get sucked into the cyclone and make things worse for EVERYONE. We all needed to feel the pain in order to change coarse. Others need that too, even though it's hard to watch. We don't want to get in the way of the pain that might actually help them change coarse. Hugs to you :)
