The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been seeing a therapist to help me get through the daily, hourly issues that arise from living with an alcoholic wife. He has had some great advice but added a thought to the end of our session yesterday.
He mentioned that anorexia, bolemia is sometimes deadly, and sometimes caused by of too much control in your life. To show control one might purge. He equated the alcoholism with this same control issue. If someone felt like they were being controlled, if they felt like they did not have a voice in the relationship and simply wanted to give up, they might decide alcohol was a great escape.
To me I have always felt like we made decisions jointly in the 25 year relationship and we simply enjoyed a lot of the same activities.
Has anyone heard of this before? Could I be the cause of my wife's drinking? I would really like to hear from you.
You CAN have a part in an unhealthy relationship. An honest examination of the patterns and motives of your behaviour may turn up some actions of yours which have contributed to your unhappiness and that of your wife.
i believe that if you could cause it then you could cure it or at least control it. i don't know about you but i've tried everything i know to make it stop and nothing has ever worked. it is so hard to accept but i do believe it is truly a disease. the alcoholic will eventually get to a point where it is no longer their choice to drink and it's their decision what to do when that point comes. just like its our decision to stay or go , to be a saint or victim, to love them or hate them. staying focused on me and going to meetings and lately comming here has been the most helpful. be gentle with yourself. the good times were good times and no one should take that from you.
I think the therapist was referring to an internal issues rather than an external one. John Bradshaw refers to similar theories in his work. Have you read them they are books like Healing the shame that binds you.
Of course the theoretical stuff of alcoholism can lead some of us astray with being overly sympathetic. There are great texts like Getting them Sober which are about how you can respond to her issues and there is also of course what comes up for you when you are around her. There are lots of theories around alcoholism which include genetic, environment (there are unquestionably environments where drinking is encouraged and part of the social culture) and there are also those who have alcoholism combined with other disorders.
Obviously anyone can get totally lost in looking at what causes the alcoholism and what part they play in it. The issue for many of us me specifically is not what caused it but how do I feel being around it, how can I stop being pulled into dysfunctional systems and how can I take care of myself regardless of what my partner does.
Hello Jeeves, absolutley not !!!! If we were powerful enough to make them drink we would be powerful enough to make them stop. You are not the reason she drinks Period....
Yeah u probably made some mistakes like all the rest of us trying to get our a's to quit drinking but will soon come to realize that there is nothing u can do about her problem.
Please find some al anon f2f meetings for yourself. learn about the disease of alcoholism and exactly what your dealing with. good luck Louise
You did not cause it, cannot control it, and cannot cure it.
I know the theory your therapist mentioned exists, and it is not up to me to say if it is right or wrong. What I am curious about is what context did he/she mention it to you in. If it was a way to understand your A it's wrong, that's the A's job not yours or the therapist's. And shame on the therapist for even making you wonder if it is your fault or if you are in a position to control it. If it was a badly expressed way of giving you a way of accepting that you have no control, or seeing how your reactions have contributed to her disease, it's still a big maybe if he/she is the right therapist for you.
In my experience the best therapist for me is willing to listen to how I feel about a situation with my A, but my A's motives, actions, feelings are never discussed. Only my motives, actions, feelings and plans are important in that hour.
I can see the point your therapist was making. Anorexic's control their environment and their food by not eating, but it is a choice. I do believe that for someone with an eating disorder there is an underlying problem of having no control over their environment as a child and then as an adult. I believe the same is true for over-acheivers. They find that their good at studying and making good grades and this becomes a way for them to gain control over something in their lives that they have no control over. Just like any disorder or control problem I believe the person tries to control because that person doesn't feel like they have any control. I have been doing some research myself on the genetics of alcoholism and some researchers have even mapped the alcoholic tendency trait to Chromosome 10!! This does not mean that everyone who has a defect in this chromosome will become addicted to alcohol it just means they are predispositioned to forming a habit. Ultimately I don't believe we as spouses or family members cause the drinking. Just as the saying We didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.
If you have a chance to get the pamphlet Alcoholism "The Merry Go Round". This gives a great deal of information on how we as family members can instigate the alcoholic to drink, however the "a" has a choice of whether to use us as an excuse to drink or can choose not to drink and find something else creative to do with their energy. When I read this pamphlet it helped me to understand the pattern in my home. I would have a fight with my "a", he would respond in rage and then make a stupid choice like taking our car after he just finished a six pack at a party. He has since admitted that he made this choice to hurt me because he felt completely invalidated and out of control. I have learned and still learning that when he drinks I don't approach him on much, I keep the conversation light hearted. We have put some designated driver's in our back pocket or a cab if he wants to go out after drinking. This allowed him to feel like, well I do have a choice, if I drink fine, but I have options instead of putting myself and someone else in danger.
I believe this is why program is so important to us because it will help us to take control of ourselves and stay out of the "a's" business. I'm starting to allow my "a" the dignity to do what he needs to do, I don't say anything about his drinking now and its much more pleasant for me. One day he'll realize that there is no hope in the bottle and may decide to try sobriety again. Keep searching for your answers, and don't beat yourself up over the drinking. Your "a" has freedom of choice just like you. I hope some of what I said made sense. Take care
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Everyone mentioned the 3C's and they are absolutely right. There is a 4th C that doesn't get as much play. We do contribute to it. Now that is not to say it is our fault. This disease is insideous (sp?) and cunning.
My wife feels like crap about herself and her issues. She drinks. I can be the perfect hubby, which I'm far from and she'd still drink. She showed minor alcholic behaviors when we are dating and everything was rosey.
Of course how we react can fuel the fire. The feels like a turd, acts irresponsibly. There is chaos in the home. Now I know from listening to shares that many share some of my same tendencies. We now try to 'control' and contain the fire. We get angry and resentful. In a way we pour grain alcohol on the fire.
I know in my case, thru Alanon and trying to look at myself I see alot of codependent behavior now in myself. My wife's therapist tried to tell her and sometimes me that I was codependent and controlling. I brushed it off. I see now by working a program even just a little bit that I was those things.
My A was like my mom. Similiar backgrounds of abuse. OK, I've lived w/ a mom who was abused. Certainly I can love and support and even help someone of the same background. More than anyone else can, right? WRONG. I fell back on the same crappy dysfunctional coping skills I did as a child. They may have allowed me to survive my childhood but they certainly impeded my ability LIVE my life.
Again, I can't stress enough that this is NOT your fault. Don't fall into that trap of the disease. It's not uncommon for those of us on this side of the disease to be controlling. Heck some of these personality traits may be why I chose the partner that I did. Alanon is a program about working on getting ourselves better. Our A may change with us, they might not but we are trying to get better.
Also as you remove yourself as the reason the A might drink (or at least the excuse she gives) thats one less thing to fall back on. This brings her a little closer to maybe looking at herself, her issues and her behaviors. When I contribute to the disease, I take the focus off of me and put it on my A. In the same light, my A now focuses on my and not herself.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I just want to throw my hat in the ring here, as I have both BEEN anorexic and treated them and others with anorexia/bulimia. These are extremely complicated diseases which have no one cause. There is genetics, environment which includes the home but also the culture. The whole notion of eating disorders being "about control" is a buzzword. A way to put everything in a tidy package and say "there". If you are going for vast generalizations, you could aslo say that anorexia tends to be in response to a controlling perfection-driven mother, and bulimia is the result of a chaotic home life. However, I know many people with both those situations who do not end up with an eating disorder. The influence of family does play a role, but only in the sense of the eating-disordered person being a child. This is usually due to what is called "triangulation" where the parents use the child as a pawn to communicate with the other, thereby objectifying her. Add to this a culture where thinness in women is perceived as a precursor to any kind of success and self-worth. I don't think that could be said of alcohol. I don't hear a whole lot of mothers saying to their daughters, (or husbands to their wives for that matter), "So pretty! If only you drank more..."
So yeah. The guy knows doesn't know much about compulsive addictions, I would guess.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
I think relationships can sometimes not be what they seem to be. When I first met the A he was hiding a great deal from me. He was far from honest about who he was and what he was contending with. In fact he was doing well at that time. Eventually the whole mirage he had created began to crack. Some of the issues in our relationship are mine and some are his. Nevertheless the issue of substance abuse is his. I do not have one. I have my own severe issues relating to a childhood that was tremendously traumatic.
I think sometimes we can tell ourselves a relationship worked because we were in denial and many many alcholics and addicts are really skillful at hiding their issues. After all they do not want to deal with them. I think many of us can do some very destructive things in a relationship, act out in many many ways. Nevetheless if someone has a substance abuse issue it doesn't usually come about purely from stress, the proclivity for substance abuse has to be there in the first place. That is some of the thesis of al-anon being that the cause lies outside of the spouses behavior.
Certainly my trauma issues lie outside my boyfriends behavior but he does things that trigger them and I can act like he is the cause of the issues because being in a relationship brings them into the fore. Nevertheless I was abused by my family long before I ever met him.
I wouldn't necessarily suggest you get a new therapist since you have established a relationship with this one. At the same time dealing with anyone's alcoholism is a lonely issue and having more support and people to talk to about how you are feeling might help.
the most important slogan., that helped / no helps me when i need a reminder to understand its not my fault. Im typing it again ... for you. I see you have read it afew times by now....(others that have posted) but i want to stress it to you... j u s t one more time ((grin))
Its called the 3 cs.You did not cause it. You can not cure it. You can not control it.
((((((jeeves))))) So glad your here! Work those 12 steps. You are doing just fine. ((BigHug))
All of you are wonderful and I certainly appreicate you taking time to offer your well thought out ideas.
Remembering the three C's brings a huge sigh of relief! I have a good relationship with the therapist so I will probably stay with him but ask for more clarification for his comment during our next meeting.
For me personally it is a challenge to decide how to handle each day with my wife but the thing that really got me was the guilt I felt, past tense, about therapist's comment.
Work those 12 steps. You are doing just fine. 
((BigHug))