The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am finally realizing that my husband has a drinking problem. I used to drink with him, before kids, and now only find time for a glass of wine maybe twice a week. He, however, drinks 2 beers nightly in front of me, and hides more on his way home from work. I found a full unopened beer under the bed (he works from home and his desk is close to this bed). I had recently asked him to reduce and thus I feel the unopened beer just allowed him to retreat to his desk and drink the beer is the evening, where I could not see.
I smell beer on him most days, and he's had physical changes (weight gain, shaky hands that may be essential tremor, but who really knows, I do remember his hands doing that as a teenager though).
I went to Al Anon last night after he again came home yesterday reeking of beer (he's driving to the office while I am off of school for winter break).
He admits there is a problem but does not want to give it up. This weekend we have a family commitment at his parents' home where his father will drink and thus I will again have to watch all that.
Do I tell my own parents what is going on? Do I have him tell his parents? He knows I need help, and he said he would be embarrassed, so I told him I don't know if involving family is going to help or hinder things.
Thank you in advance. We have a six year old son and he is a great father.
l suggest attending face to face Al-Anon Family Groups first as the fellowship knows about spouses and family drinking problems because we all have been there also and because we Experiences, Strengths and Hopes to feed back to those who are looking for support. You will also learn about the problems of alcoholism and how it affects the families and hear what others in the fellowship have done while experiencing your problem and what was and wasn't successful. That will insure a greater understanding and still not guarantee your success at how you want it to come out. The families of alcoholics do all sorts of behaviors to protect and save the alcoholic including also seeking help while others can and will also defend and deny them.
Read back on the posts here and see what our fellowship has brought to the forum and then attend another face to face meeting and ask "how did you do this"?
Welcome, As Jerry has suggested, we are powerless over this disease of alcoholism The recommendation that you attend alanon face to face meetings so as to break the isolation caused by living with the disease and obtain the support and understanding necessary to thrive is an excellent one.
Keep coming back you are not alone.
Gosh, could I relate to this post. I too have young kids and my husband is my qualifier. He would drink the moment he got off of work and would hide most of his drinking, though his drink of choice was hard alcohol. He also had shakes in the morning which got worse the more his disease progressed. I realized then that I couldn't be in denial anymore and the shakes were due to withdrawing every morning from alcohol. I hope you will consider face-to-face meetings. These were a god send for me when I first got into Al-anon. We aren't really supposed to give advice on what you should do but rather share our personal experiences. I never told my husband's family until it got really bad and only then did I tell his uncle who is like a father figure. He put me in contact with a family friend who had been in AA for 30+ years and we talked on the phone regularly but my husband didn't know that I had confided in these two. They both checked in regularly and we had the plan that we would let my husband know if it got really bad. As you can imagine it did and about a year and a half ago that family friend came to my house and basically did an informal intervention with him and sat with him all day (while I was at a funeral) to tell him his story (which was similar to my husbands) and how it ended which was him losing his wife and kids. To this day his uncle is the only one out of his family who knows. My husband is a very private person and would be ashamed if it was well known what happened. However, I think that was also a way for him to continue to keep drinking and isolate me too. I did tell my parents and brother and sister-in-law because I just couldn't be isolated anymore. I also told a few close friends and everyone was shocked as my husband was very good at hiding it from everyone but me and the kids. You have to be careful on what your motives are for possibly telling his parents. If it is to try and get him to stop you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. He may be mortified, resentful and may even stop for a little bit but start again. It is frustrating as you really have to let them make the decision because if they aren't ready to stop they won't get sober. That is why many say interventions don't work because it has to be the decision of the addict to get sober. I lucked out because my husband was ready to stop when the family friend came to talk to him. Will be stay sober? Not sure. I have no control over it and I am constantly working on Step 1. I do pray to my HP that he will for the sake of our two boys (ages 7 and 5) as he is a fantastic present father now that he has stopped drinking.
I too send warm welcomes to you - glad you found MIP and joined right in. I also suggest Al-Anon family groups to help you better help yourself. Each situation is different and we often feel as if we have to have all the answers 'today' and take a ton of action 'today'. Issues with this disease never arrive in one day - it's a progression and therefore, recovery needs to be at a pace that flows best for you, your situation and your family.
There is no shame in having the disease and there is no shame in loving one with the disease. Shame, fear, and much more often keeps us from reaching out and can cause isolation. Isolating for me just compounded all the negative emotions and my distorted view of life. Al-Anon meetings, literature, steps and fellowship helped me realize I was not alone and there was hope and help.
Keep coming back here too - I'm also sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You said: Do I tell my own parents what is going on? Do I have him tell his parents? He knows I need help, and he said he would be embarrassed, so I told him I don't know if involving family is going to help or hinder things.
What do YOU need? What would be helpful to YOU?
Notice: you and your husband have separate bodies. You have separate minds and hearts. You are two individual people having two individual experiences. Those two different experiences have different requirements. He needs xyz, YOU need xyz. What's your xyz right now? It matters. You matter. I understand why he would be embarrassed and his embarrassment is his difficulty to deal with, it is not yours. Your difficulty is different. I know he will attempt to make his embarrassment your difficulty but in reality, it isn't your problem. You've got 99 problems and that ain't one.
You are not the same entity. What he needs and what you need are two different things, because one is drunk and one is trying to cope with that drunkenness. There is so much hope for you both, and a great place to start is to maintain autonomy and let him fight his battles while you gain your peace. You'll need your inner compass if you're going to keep your serenity throughout this marriage.
"You're only as sick as your secrets"
If your husband is an alcoholic, all the parents are going to find out sooner or later. Alcoholism is a progressive disease - it gets worse. Over time he will have less and less control over his drinking so that cat will be out of the bag eventually and the parents will definitely know. They may already have suspicions?
If you do tell them, be aware that there is a LOT about alcoholism that the lay person doesn't know. This not-knowing is what causes all of the judgment, insanity, illness and turmoil in those who love the alcoholic. So if/when you tell your parents or his parents, bear in mind that in the months and years to come you are all going to learn the reality of dealing with alcoholism VS your current understanding of it. What their first response is, might be different that what they come to understand over time.
An example of what I mean is that in the collective mentality, a lot of people think that alcoholism is a moral issue. That the alcoholic is choosing to destroy their lives by drinking; that they drink because they don't care about their families; that they drink because they don't have willpower; that they drink because they are inherently bad or weak or inferior; that if they really loved us or really cared or really wanted to stop, they just would stop. Even your husband might have this programming about addiction and that might be why he is embarrassed to tell people. None of this is the reality or truth of alcoholism. Knowing the reality of it is really freeing.
Al-anon is the best place in the world to learn the truth about alcoholism from the family's point of view. You can save yourself so much agony by arriving in Alanon early. Well done for finding it. Maybe you could tell your parents about it in the context of Al-anon, like get some brochures and take them around to their place? Learn the truth of it from the get-go, together, supporting each other as you go? I am excited for you if there is an Al-anon support group local to you. A lot of what they say may or may not make sense at first but when it clicks, it will be an absolute godsend for you and your family :)
Lots of love to you all
-- Edited by hiraeth on Thursday 5th of January 2017 06:54:43 PM
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Thanks to you all for your thoughtful responses. It helps so much to hear different perspectives and to have people to actually talk to. I went to another meeting tonight. Thank you for helping me feel a sense of hope and ability to deal with this.
I have only told a small number of people about my AH. I was kind of shocked at how they all knew long before I said it out loud. I picked carefully, didn't pick my relatives. Just friends. And that was wonderful. Not in a Disney Movie kind of way, but very freeing. Like I wasn't so isolated anymore. And I come here and it's hugely helpful.
I have not discussed it with my own parent. She hates him already and just spending time with her alone is inviting an eventual attack. I try to tell myself that it's because she loves ME and wants the best for ME but it's so hard to hear. And I just don't want to deal with her. I wish I could tell people, "Yes, I know he's an alcoholic. YES I am doing something about it: I'm in Al-Anon. I got a counselor. I am looking out for me and I got my head out of the sand." And then just stop all conversation after that. But as hiraeth noted, ignorance is hard to tamp down and the whole, "You Fix Him" thing is hard to stop. And it's especially draining to me. My mom is convinced that there is SOMETHING I could do to make him stop drinking. Whenever she says this I can barely stop from laughing. Man I would be RICH if I had that little secret sorted out. And a God. Probably both.
Anyway, you tell people if it will help You. It won't do jack for your AH. If your parents are helpful, then tell them and lean on them. If not, stick with your Al-anon support.
Natrow - welcome to MIP.....so glad you found us and so glad you joined right in! Keep coming back...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
