The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
thank you in advance for taking the time to read this and share-these boards bring me a lot of peace and insight.
i have shared my current experience before-my boyfriend had been sober for almost ten years, we had been together for four when he started to drink again. He is a completely different person and I imagine I am too- my crazy is through the roof right now. He has been drunk every day for months now. On Christmas he pissed in our closet. He becomes mean, verbally abusive, and the king of gas lighting when he has been drinking. He's cheated since he started drinking, and now I question everything that I thought I knew about him and about us over the last four years.
I had had enough last week and told him I was done. I spent the week couch surfing to avoid the mean comments that normally follow our arguments. I didn't hear from him at all. When I returned over the weekend he was still there. Everything in the house was exactly as I left it (I assumed the pictures would be off the wall or things would be missing based on his behavior when I left).
So here is still there. He won't talk to me and he won't sleep in the same room as me but he isn't leaving, nor has he responded to my questions about his plans. Him being there and the silence is triggering a massive amount of guilt, confusion, and remorse. I still love him and I want to spend my life with the man I use to know. I can't tell if I'm being a sucker for some kind of bait at this point. I don't know if I'm more afraid of the relationship being over or the relationship not being over.
I've been trying to run through some of the slogans today; I've been trying to let go of the outcome. Just minutes after telling myself to let go and let God, im emailing him to ask if we can talk tonight.
i have no idea what we are going to talk about. 8 dont know what I want-at this point I'm just floundering.
-- Edited by Voodoo on Tuesday 3rd of January 2017 06:12:47 PM
-- Edited by Voodoo on Tuesday 3rd of January 2017 06:13:25 PM
-- Edited by Voodoo on Tuesday 3rd of January 2017 06:14:16 PM
((Voodoo)) Change is difficult I can understand your indecision. I am glad that you posted here and would like to suggest that you take a few moments, meditate on the issue ask Hp for guidance and then have your meeting.
Remembering that alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease over which you are powerless and that the focus of the meeting must be on what you need and the boundaries you are willing to uphold. Remember recovery is a process for both partners.
Thank you Betty. I did what you suggested and I also read the passage for Courage to Change and both significantly helped me. I came to the conclusion that I don't have a conclusion. My answer ended up being 'I don't know.'
We spoke and he was more than willing to point out my side of the street and while I can still validate my feelings and concerns, he is right. I have been existing on his side of the street for a while thinking I was doing us both a favor.
I'm still feeling very hurt and scared. I'm struggling to face those feelings without also internalizing his feelings and the opinions of my family and friends.
For right now I'm going to embrace the unknown and stop trying to solve all of this at once (small changes are sometimes the most realistic-what a great daily reading for me yesterday). I want to be happy and at peace. I'm going to do what I can to clean up my side of the street and give the outcome to my higher power.
Hey there Voodoo that was a very honest post and I am glad you posted here as well. To answer your subject line I find for me that is when I should NOT make any major decisions. I have to sit with things and look at making small changes and slowly move forward keeping the focus on myself. One day at a time. I wish you all the best with your situation. I believe you will find clarity if you keep an open mind and keep working the program.
(((Voodoo))) - the disease tends to bring out the worse case scenario in our minds - especially when we feel we need to have all the answers today. All that I can offer is meetings, program support and keeping the focus on me helped me restore enough sanity to find answers that were baffling before. There is no shame at all in loving an alcoholic. Where the damage came for me is when I allowed my spirit, emotions, actions and life to be so wrapped up in what they were/were not doing. I truly had to focus on detaching and boundaries - my qualifiers include my husband and 2 sons.
Trust the program/process and be gentle with you. One day at a time was a gift I had not considered before recovery. (((Hugs))) Something else that pops to the front of my mind - feelings are not facts.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great post and awareness Voodoo Keeping an open mind is a great step to absorbing program and practicing what we learn.