The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
2 years ago on New Year's Day I was busy celebrating that the last miserable holiday season with my XAH was coming to a close. I had found a new home to rent, I was packing like crazy, and I was ignoring my XAH's drunken barbs and passive aggressive attempts to engage me. I remember thinking that I would be happy just living in my car at that point. I had no job, 16 years without any work experience since I had homeschooled my son, and I had no idea how I was going to function on my own financially. All I knew was that I wanted out and I wanted to get out ASAP and that there was peace in my decision, after years of sitting on the fence and waffling about it. 20 years of marriage, done, over, and I was finally ready to move on.
Today, I woke up to a romantic moment with my bf with his arms around me and feeling grateful for my new life. I'm busy studying for exams to further my career and start a business of my own. I'm scared but grateful I've made it this far. One of his daughters came in later to hug us and sit with us for a few minutes and then asked me to go and help her make us all pancakes for breakfast. The youngest of his and my 18 year old eventually wandered out to join us.
I then helped the kids pack because my BF is taking them up north to see snow and they won't be back until tomorrow. His 8 year old yells as she's walking out the door, "Bye, Bonnie. Take care of the dog for me! I'll miss you!" Then, his 11 year old gave me a super huge hug and said, "Miss you. See you tomorrow!!"
The BF was so involved in packing that he nearly forgot to say goodbye but he ran back into the house and quickly kissed me goodbye promising to text me when they got there safely.
So, I'm sitting here alone in my home. Thinking about how grateful I am. For the past 20 months since I've met my new man, I've questioned whether he was right for me. I've not been able to trust myself because I felt ashamed that I stayed in such a dysfunctional marriage for so long, even when I knew it was wrong for me. So, I lived in fear of repeating the past and of being made a fool by love, once again. I question his commitment to me even though he's brought me and my 18 year old into his home, and even though he's told me he loves me and even though he has never acted any differently towards me since I've met him. He's been consistent with his actions from day 1. He's been trustworthy with my secrets and my vulnerabilities, he's never waffled on the progression of our relationship and he was clear that he wanted a long term relationship from the beginning but he truly took things slow. There have never been any games or manipulations or passive aggressive behaviors. He's been honest about who he is and I sat here thinking that I couldn't accept him for who he was and so I thought that he needed to change. I remember on date number 3 or 4 when he told me, "I march to the beat of my own drummer and I tend to make my own rules. I don't like to conform to other people's ways unless they make sense to me and if I do conform, it will be on my own time." Then, he once told me, "If you're looking for a guy who will tell you every day how pretty you are or how awesome you are.....you're barking up the wrong tree. It's just not my personality and it's not something I'm comfortable doing. So, if you need that, please figure that out now before we get too emotionally involved."
Yep, he was honest. But, I wanted more. I had been lacking so much in my completely messed up marriage, that I craved a LOT OF EGO stroking! I mean, A LOT, and I was never like that when I was in college or before I met my XAH. And, I was not very good at those things myself and didn't even think to compliment my partners on their appearances. I always figured, "Well, I am here with you, so I must be attracted to you right, dude?" I'm slowly learning that no one person is going to meet all my needs. I'm learning that I need to meet some of my own needs and that I need to build up my own self worth and self acceptance for ME, not for anyone else. My BF gives to me what he is capable of giving and I give what I am able to give, as well. I don't meet all of his needs but he's never asked me to be someone I'm not nor has he ever asked me to give if I'm not comfortable with something. I have mutual respect today. A man who believes in God, who believes in family values, who trusts me and trusts me with his children, and who is thoughtful and caring. What I needed to stop doing was expect others to act as I would act if I were them. I needed to let go of a lot of expectations!
I have decided that 2017 will be the year where I really put the focus on gratitude and on acceptance. If I want the moments like I had this AM with my new blended family to continue, I need to start accepting my man for who he is. I need to start accepting MYSELF for who I am, all of me, not just the good parts. So, Happy New Year, everyone. Please share with me what it is you will be focusing on with your own recovery for this upcoming year!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Lovely, lovely share girl and you know I love ya!!! I believe your morning is how it's supposed to be for you - easy, breezy, loving, light and gratitude and acceptance always, always, always...(((Hugs))) - and happy New Year!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh Andromeda, that's a good good morning. I'm happy for you.
This year I want to work on really honoring myself. I want to test my actions with "is this consistent with my goals?". <--- Before I act.
My HP will caucus with me to work on my plan for this year. By now, I want to get out of the way, and I want to do my part. I'll improve that tightrope walk and I know I don't need to do it perfectly. Because I can't. I can take steps toward it.
I'm going to enjoy myself this year with gratitude.
Duh......I went off to do other things and then remembered I did not share what I want to focus on! I think that's because the greatest gift of our program is one Day at a Time. Betty shared the daily reading summary from ODAT and it talks about a clean page and being the author of the contents of that page. I truly try to let all things go each night as I ready for bed and approach each morning as a new beginning.
For me, it's all about what's in my signature - Pausing before ... anything. I have always had this burning desire (used to think need) to respond, react, answer, decide things 'quickly'. My warped thinking felt that any pause was a sign of weakness/ignorance/unknowing. In recovery, I've learned that the pause for me is a strength and an awesome tool to ground me so what I do/say/think next is aligned with my goals/journey.
Also, I watch Joel Osteen this morning and it was another show that gave me cause for pause. The summary (Protect Your Imagination) -
"Our minds naturally gravitate toward the negative. But if the only pictures youre seeing are negative, your life will be limited. Are you allowing the wrong imaginations of what might happen or what might not work out steal your joy and cause you to live stressed out? Its time to stop wasting precious moments being afraid, worried and negative. Second Timothy 1:7 tells us to have a well-balanced, disciplined mind.
Let Joel show you how to "change the channel" in your imagination and develop discipline in your thought life. God wants you to use your imagination for good to create vision, to make you hopeful, to fill you with faith. Let today be the day you grow in strength and discipline in your thought life. As you do, your life will go to a whole new level!"
What he said that struck me was most of us have cable on our Televisions. When we are looking for something to watch, we change the channel if what's on is displeasing or boring or ..... So, he's suggesting that we can use our attitudes and imaginations to change the channel in our minds in much the same way. So - that's where I am for today - I'm considering how I can use our tools here to change the channel when my imagination is working over-time in any negative/projecting way!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iamhere......that is a wonderful perspective and so very true. I learned in program that I can choose to start my day over at any time during that day. I didn't have to carry around a negative thought or attitude that I had at 9 AM until 5 PM, I could change it the minute I recognized that I could do so. So much of the torment that we put ourselves through in our lives is done in our own minds. We become our worst enemies.
And, of course, the pause is important as well.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(((Hugs))) to all - it truly never dawned on me before recovery that there is no such thing as a bad day.....for me now, with a changed attitude and outlook, I consider challenges as bad moments of a day instead of bad days. As Betty always suggests, gratitude lists and asset lists help me realize this - in total, my life and days are outstanding. I have bad moments only and can choose to give them power or not. Easy in theory, but with practice - this has truly changed me, my attitude, my joy and of course, my serenity!
Still loving the new year so far - one day at a time!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
