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level.
It's 1am and I need advice about what to do in the morning.
About a year and a half ago my husband went out with friends. I was approaching my due date with our 2nd child. After he didn't come home and stopped answering his phone I spent the whole night calling hospitals and jails. As it turned out he was wasted and fell asleep at his friends house. Said friend's fiancée told me he slept on their bathroom floor. Cue a very serious conversation and him promising to never do anything like that again.
A year later he goes out with friends. I get a call from strangers who found him drunk, passed out in the literal street. He'd lost his wallet and smashed his phone but they still managed to call me on it. The next morning I kicked him out and he came home a day later admitting he was "self-medicating" with alcohol because he disliked his job. He promised to stop and didn't drink for a few months.
Since then he's slowly added back in some drinking and occasionally given me grief when I express concern, saying "what are you not going to allow me to drink ever again?!"
Well, I got him concert tickets for Christmas to go see a band with his brother. The show was tonight. He said he was planning to drink 1 beer. I told him if he drinks too much to please not drive. He told me he absolutely wasn't going to drink too much and he has lots of things he wants to accomplish early in the morning tomorrow. I called him 5 minutes before the concert was supposed to start and he was basically incoherent. They were too drunk to figure out how to pick up the tickets at will call and were struggling to figure out how to get an Uber. He's now asleep at his brother's house.
I don't know WTF to do. I am exhausted and angry and sad. What do you think you would do? And can you validate whether or not you think this is "normal?" He just make me question my reaction because he doesn't think this is as problematic as I do.
And, I know it's small potatoes, but on a practical level, we are supposed to be hosting a NYE party tomorrow night. Dammit I am so mad at him for putting me in this position.
welcome-- you will find strength and support on this site and alanon program. As I read your post I thought of two things:
1. I remember very clearly being in the position you described yourself in, and all the feelings that accompany it-I havebeen there, many of us have --so please know you are not alone.
2. One of the most important pieces of wisdom I have learned in the program comes in the form of this statement: 'an alcoholic will drink; what will you do'
For me it helped me remember that there was nothing that I could do or say that would influence the drinker in either direction. I would never be the cause of his/her drinking and I would never influence the decision to stop. Going to face to face meetings is enormously helpful, as are the online meetings here at MIP
sending you positive thoughts of strength to take care of yourself.
Good morning love cake, I too have lived through that insanity and understand how painful it is/ Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic fatal disease over which we are powerless. I'm glad that you shared here would like to suggest, as Mary has, that you search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend. The hotline number is in the white pages. It is here you'll find the support, understanding and tools to help you live life while coping with this dreadful disease.
What do you want to do my friend? what does taking care of YOU look like today?
I think I wrote this post myself a few years ago, fully recalling my anger at his utter selfishness... all the lies... while I was trying to hold our family together on my own... and keeping up appearances.
what Mary and Betty wrote is superb. In addition, I will tell you what I was told, I can always change my mind about things. we have that right. you can cancel the party... or you can change your mind about who is truly hosting that party... no more relying on an active alcoholic... no more believing and trusting he can follow through on his word because as long as he continues to drink, it's not possible. I remember the last party I threw... I remember saying "never again." and I meant it. It was my responsibility to protect my own heart.
Al-anon encourages us to learn all we can about the disease of alcoholism. I learned that when he turned the tables, getting angry at ME .... a classic manipulation.... making ME the problem instead of his own selfishness, self-seeking, dishonest, fearfulness. He would never own his destructive behavior in our relationship of course, and when he did apologize, it was mere words, never lasting, only another manipulation to get himself out of trouble, or whatever else he wanted. his words and actions never matched up. the disease is all about selfishness. Al-anon invites us to embrace reality... accepting we are powerless to change them....
but victims no more. We are not powerless and helpless in moving forward, in taking care of ourselves, that is where we do have power... meeting our own needs, no longer handing the key to our happiness to an active alcoholic.
Take care of YOU tonight............... whatever that looks like (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 31st of December 2016 12:29:15 PM
Just agreeing with what others have said. Take care of you and any little ones you have.
The three C's of Al Anon are: You can't Control it, You can't Change it, and you didn't Cause it.
Your husband may or may not be an alcoholic but his behavior is affecting the health and well being of the family home. I encourage you to read what you can about the disease of alcoholism, find support locally and in person from meetings and Al Anon, and then work on taking care of YOU! Hugs......I'm sorry you are hurting. I've been there.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Welcome to MIP lovecake - glad you found us and glad that you shared. My best suggestion is to look for local Al-Anon meetings, and attend. There you will find others who love or live with one who drinks too much. It is in the Al-Anon program that I learned that I was truly powerless over alcohol, the alcoholic and all that comes with the disease of alcoholism.
We learn in recovery for us that there is nothing we can do to change what they do and we can only restore ourselves to sanity and move forward. They either recover or not. They keep drinking or not. While it doesn't seem possible right now, the reality is that you are a whole and separate person from him entitled to joy, happiness, safety and a sane home. Getting to that point for me was only possible by working on my own recovery.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help always in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
