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I haven't posted in a long time. Feeling alone and sad. My husband of many years has been in recovery, attends meetings,talks to his sponsor once a day but slips and starts to drink again. As far as I know, he hasn't had anything in several months. He is not a binge drinker but drinks for awhile and then stops. We've had counseling but I know this disease is brutal to treat. One counselor said it rears its ugly head sometimes worse than the time before. One progress we've made is that he doesn't lie anymore when I asked him where he went and how many did he have. He used to lie and lie and lie that he didn't drink. It made me feel like I was crazy or that if he didn't drink, he had a serious physical problem. Although he was a short distance away, a few beers can create a DWI or DUI if pulled over. This scares me and should scare him. Our Pastor told us that an alcoholic makes the decision, after being in recovery, to drink while sober. There has to be some dialog in their heads about wanting to drink, going to the bar and making the decision to order the drink. I can't seem to get an honest answer as to what the conversation is in his head during this time. Thanks for reading this and if you have some suggestions for me, I would appreciate anything that can help me.
You know all of the open AA meetings I have attended to learn about the disease the biggest fact that comes out of these kinds of conversation is the first drink is always a choice .. after the first drink it's compulsion.
I have watched many people go in and out of AA based upon the issue of not being sober .. the message did get through to them eventually the question is that it was hard to be drunk while working a program that requires sobriety. Sometimes it takes time to get the full message.
The saying goes there is nothing worse than an active A who has AA knowledge and beer in their belly .. they do get what they do to themselves they can't make it over that hump of getting to the next part of sobriety. Doesn't mean that they will doesn't mean that they won't.
I'm glad to hear that he's in program, that's always positive. What about you .. are you going to your meetings and talking to your sponsor? Those are important things to do during this difficult time as well.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi wife, the only suggestion I have is that Al-Anon face-to-face meetings as well as the slogans helped me to maintain my sanity during times like to describe. Remembering that I was powerless over this disease and not trying to figure it out is also very helpful.
Being a double-winner (both programs), I could give a million reasons I've hard why one has that first drink. I am sure there are many, many more reasons that I've not heard. What Al-Anon has shown me is that that there is nothing I can do, think, say, pray, wish for that will keep that from happening if another imperfect human, just like me, decides a drink is going to improve their life, mood, etc.
For an alcoholic, there is no choice. The compulsion for them to drink is as strong as our compulsion to worry about them/their drinking. There is only a daily reprieve from the obsession through recovery work, one day at a time. We all have choices before we act, including the alcoholic. However, for many who are still sick, the compulsion to drink is way stronger than the choice to pick up a tool instead.
I'm with Betty - choose you, your recovery, your joy and your serenity. The insanity of the disease for us is that we allow our person, attitude, joy and more to be controlled by another person. I fight hard for that not to happen as I truly believe my Higher Power wants me happy, joyous and free. No Higher Power would want us to hurt like we do for another person. Take care of you and trust the recovery process and know that your hubbie has his own path, his own higher power and his own spiritual journey. I too am sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am pretty much thinking along the lines of the original poster. If he would at least be honest about the skips (probably a pipe dream) instead of making excuses, I might be able to work this program better. Taking care of myself and not worrying is a bit hard when I think he might be at a bar with god knows who and what else he might be doing. but don't know for sure, and feeling like I have been disrespected because he is lying to me and both of us know it. Yet I am suppose to stay quiet.
The main behavior from the disease is the inability to tell the truth. The saying goes how do you know of the active A is lying? Their lips are moving. That's a factual statement for me. My xahs inability to tell the truth even now. I don't know if he's drinking or not. So the expectation that the A A going to be honest leads to additional resentments which are unhealthy. I remember asking my x a question knowing the answer to it and him lying. Lol .. Then I would be hurt, angry, disappointed, feel justified in my behavior and so on. So what good did it do to ask the question. It's not about not saying anything .. It's learning to make statements vs the questions. It's understanding I honestly can't handle the truth until I'm ready and my hp will provide that truth. It was a couple of years into program where I learned to actually let some of it go and a few more before I realized that I was causing my own pain. It wasn't the A it was me. I stopped being so hurt by his behavior because it wasn't about me. Hugs .. Keep coming back.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
"The main behavior from the disease is the inability to tell the truth. The saying goes how do you know of the active A is lying? Their lips are moving."
Is that a fact that lying is a big part of the disease? And do you mean lying about drinking or lying about just any facet of their life that the A doesn't feel like being hassled about?
My experience with my A about the lying it was everything. The stupidest stuff. Right now we are dealing with a Christmas present for our son. He says ups delivered it and it hasn't come. The kids have been out of school for 2 weeks. Did it come? I doubt it got mailed. You know maybe it really is lost .. I seriously doubt it. When he got his DUI he told his mother that the police saw him through his whiskey truck mind you. Take his prescription medication at 3pm. So he got an invalid dui. Not even close to what happened. I think you can get the point. Yes .. He lied about everything. I don't have to respond anymore. It just is what it is with him and the consequences are he's damaged his relationship with his children and with me in terms of trust. I can't rationalize with an irrational person without becoming irrational myself. So I made different choices in how I deal with him. That's my experience. I have no idea if he's still drinking .. His untrustworthy behavior is still there. Hugs.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
