The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband of 27 years died at the age of 58 due to acute alcoholism. I left the year before his death because is drinking had become so extreme that I had reached my breaking point. It was either him or me. We had been down this road before and I had really hoped he would return to AA and get it together. Instead he went as low as a person could get and lost his most recent job and became homeless. This was a man that had a successful career and slowly went downhill because of his drinking. The destruction he left to me and our daughter was so intense, and now we both feel so guilty. It has been three years and I still can't move on with my life. The pain and heartbreak during those last few years was so difficult that I had to leave. And now I constantly question the decision I had made to move out of state and hope he would stop drinking. His family turned their backs on him and only went to find him when there was flooding in the area where he was living in a park with our dog. He died that night in his father's house from exsanguination. He died a slow death and bled out due to his alcoholism. They had gone out to dinner and left him alone because he was feeling sick, and he wasn't found until the next day. Yet his entire family blames me for his death and said he died of a broken heart because he had lost his family. Are you kidding me?? The pain of the way he died and being so alone just breaks my heart. I loved this man and only left because I felt I had no other choice. I was dying inside and he had become so verbally and emotionally abusive because of his alcoholism. And of course being the the ever hopeful optimistic spouse of an alcoholic that he would see the light, realize how much he loved me and would stop drinking and I could move back home. I have tried to use other support groups for widows, however, there is so much judgement about alcoholism. After all, it isn't like he died of cancer-he did this to himself is the reasoning. I should add that our daughter was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins Lymphoma at the age of 27 a little over a year after he died so there wasn't much time to truly come to terms with his death. For the past two years we have been focusing on her health. Thank you for listening. I'm just hoping to connect with people who understand what I have gone through, and that never ending cycle of pain and guilt we experience living with an alcoholic.
-- Edited by AnitaJean on Tuesday 27th of December 2016 02:51:12 AM
Anitajean welcome. I am so sorry that you have experienced the painful loss of your spouse and that your young daughter has her own health issues. You mention that you have tired support groups for widows but did not mention that you had found alanon(the recovery program for the family and friends of alcoholics.)
As you are aware, alcoholism is a dreadful chronic progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested but not cured., you did not cause it, could not control it or cure it.
Alanon is a recovery program for family members who find themselves in a great deal of pain because of living with the disease. Face to face meeting are held in most communities and they help to break the isolation caused by interacting with the disease as well as offer support as you attempt o learn new tools ot live by and regain your self esteem and self worth. The hot line number is in the white pages.
I urge you to attend these meetings and keep coming back here as well. It works if we work it and there is hope.
Hello Anitajean and welcome to MIP. Sending you (((((hugs)))))) as well, that is a tough few years that you have been through.
This place has helped me so much and I think that you will find a lot of understanding here as well as by going to face to face Alanon meetings as well. It is so difficult to come to terms with our having no influence whatsoever over those that we love when they choose to drink to destruction. If we could change it, we surely would and I'm so sorry that you have experienced people who don't understand - but it is hard for us to grasp, and we've lived through it!
Speaking for self....I would keep it clear: He died from alcoholism. Period. I would accept zero of those "broken heart" commentsfrom anyone and my resonse would be "He died from alcoholism. It was heartbreaking for everyone." I am sorry for your loss. Please dont second guess your decisions...I know that's easy for me to say and hard for you to do...
Welcome AnitaJean to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am so very sorry for your loss and do understand how people unaffected by this disease just do not get it. Denial of the disease concept is common and I found the best support available in Al-Anon. Only there did others truly understand what I had lived with and what it's like - the pain, the sadness, the guilt, the etc....it's a disease that truly reaches beyond the affected and touches all who live with or love one with this disease.
Grieving is a personal process and we each do it in our own time and differently. Be gentle with you and do what you can to take care of you. Please keep coming back here - there is hope and help in recovery!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
