The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm just saying I don't like it and I want to fight it every step of the way .. it feels uncomfortable. It means I have to do things I don't like, be places I don't want to be, look at things a different way because it means I'm growing .. what a bunch of hogwash. Phhffttt.
So I left my house for Christmas which I don't like to do. I like being at home cooking and catering to my family. I prefer to avoid large crowds or large families so I did something I was not comfortable with. Then add to the fact we drove an hour and in 2 weeks I will be driving 16 hours each direction .. ugh. LOL!!
It also means having uncomfortable conversations which I suck at because my first response is to throw the gauntlet and then going back to soothe ruffled feathers. I'm still trying to figure out this whole say what you mean .. mean what you say .. don't say it mean .. LOL .. some days are easier than others.
Plus let's add other people pouting .. that's my behavior thank you I will not have it inflicted on me .. how undignified to take away my normal reaction. I have zero patience which is actually amusing.
Then there is allowing other people to have that reaction and then just learning to let them instead of running around trying to make sure everything is ok. I had to laugh. NOPE not buying in to it .. let me know how that's working for you.
I have a right to say no. I have the right to be gracious. I have the right to just be me. I'm a fiery miss and sometimes come with a short fuse. I am way to long in tolerance at times. It's not healthy for me to put off what is bothering me.
I do not care for the grown up life though it bothers me. It means I'm accountable for my behavior and choices and sometimes those do affect other people and I have to be responsible for those choices.
Blah .. I don't like it .. on another side I feel better about myself although it's not easy. it's just more irritating that I have this extra responsibility I'm really not used to it. I have never felt obligated to others. Anyways, Christmas did mean some sacrifices that in the long run were not sacrifices it meant I got to spend time with some lovely people.
I am really going to have to decide what is and is not a deal breaker for me though .. that's kind of hard at the moment. That is actually my new years resolution to find out more about my own boundaries .. there's that word again .. it's important to me to know more about what makes me feel uncomfortable and why, how to address it and what comes next.
Some things I know for sure .. I don't enjoy being with people who smoke, I don't dislike smokers I just don't like the smoking around me. I do not want to be in perpetual hold. Which my life has been for 5 years now. I also don't like living in the country .. I like to visit. It's just not my gig. I have been there done that and I enjoy city living. I also need to be heard, there is a nasty reaction that happens when I'm not .. lol. Everyone likes to be heard and acknowledged that I have been clearly heard. I might change my mind about the country living as I get older .. not today though. LOL .. even my kids get it.
The nice thing is I have control over who I let into my circle and where I live so all I need to do is keep doing what I'm doing.
I have also been listening to more podcasts and I'm really glad about that because I do enjoy those a great deal.
I have missed my sponsor so much over the last few weeks .. the holidays were her favorite even when they were not mine. I miss her humor, kindness, wisdom and unconditional acceptance of who I am as a person. She always supported me in all of my crazy thoughts. I miss that I can't pick up the phone and call her to hear her voice anymore. That makes me sad another one of those adult things I didn't have to deal with before doing the grown up thing . lol.
Hus S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi Serenity. Love all the awareness you are sharing here. Boundaries are a great place to focus your program growth on in the new year. I struggle with these things, as well. I'm sorry you are missing your sponsor. The holidays have a tendency to make us feel so many different emotions, good and bad. Hugs to you!
And I don't like being an adult either!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
i dont want to grow up either,especially since so much of my childhood was spent having to be a grownup. One thing i do, is to indulge the kid in me,whether it is stopping to admire nature,coloring,dancing to music in my house or having a treat etc. Im happy to be re growing up by the help alanon gives me also.
alyce
(((((Hugs))))) and Merry Christmas...I love your post. It used to be mine and I relate.
"I have missed my sponsor so much over the last few weeks .. the holidays were her favorite even when they were not mine. I miss her humor, kindness, wisdom and unconditional acceptance of who I am as a person. She always supported me in all of my crazy thoughts. I miss that I can't pick up the phone and call her to hear her voice anymore. That makes me sad another one of those adult things I didn't have to deal with before doing the grown up thing . lol"
I read this with my present recovery understanding which is to Duplicate that which has been taught to me in recovery by my sponsor and the other members of my family of recovery. One of the things that jumped off the page for me is the lesson of the difference between rights and abilities which my sponsor brought me thru; such a great Christmas Gift. I have no written laws that give me rights and privileges over life and I do have abilities to do what is right and proper in my life. When I use to complain that "I just couldn't do this or that" my sponsor brought me back to, "It isn't that you can't do it...it's that you won't do it". I carry that message daily because I am responsible and grown up having fun.
Great share girl - I can so relate....there are days where adulting is very hard and then there are days where it is very rewarding....(((hugs))) - it just keeps getting better though as I try to walk the spiritual path Al-Anon provides for us!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
There's that word again Bounderies,same thing I have been thinking on also,it actually helped me to draw an imaginary circle around me,to know where my boundaries end at,and to what I'll allow and not allow in my circle of Bounderies ,,,,,,this is a huge thing for me also to work at,2017 would be a great year to get started.....thanks serenity for sharing this,I always enjoy reading your shares lots of awareness....hugs lu
Had to do some thinking because right now I am really struggling with some things .. not sure if it's PMS .. yes .. LOL .. I'm about positive it's PMS however it's that and more. I just don't know if I am truly cut out for relationships. I have been really working on staying on my side of the street and failing at a miserable pace. I'm tired of dealing with other people's emotional cowardness which sounds harsh however .. you know what .. I'm in this mode of if it looks like a duck, talks like a duck, don't f'ing tell me it's not a dang duck!! So my BS meter is pretty much capped out which seems to be a shock to those around me at the moment. I am always surprised as to why that is.
It's actually a good thing that there is no court today I think I would have eaten someone for lunch or possibly a snack .. a very short snack because as I snap their body into two I would probably just toss it aside .. forgive the melodramatic dark fantasy I'm having at the moment .. and yes .. I happen to be hungry .. LOL!!!
The other thing is that my X has gone and let down our son .. yes I know shocking .. again. There is a big story and we are back to the whole issue for me of why do I have to be the adult when the other adult who is older than I am is a complete jack wagon!!! I hate cleaning up his mess. I only did because the other gift that dumb ass got our son was a gift set of Axe and a pair of wireless headset that doesn't work properly .. go dummy. Oh .. I forgot after not seeing his child for the last 2 years .. a 50$ gift card. I knew the boy couldn't take more disappointment that his father knows so little about him. Thankfully in anticipation of his stupidity I covered my son. I'm officially the coolest mother who has the most amazing friends/co-workers around. A very good gal got my boy a very old guitar that was in her basement, another one her estranged stbx restrung it cleaned it up and did a wonderful job of making sure the boy could play it. THEN I find out someone on my floor .. her husband happens to be a recording artist and is willing to give my boy some lessons for FREE to get him started and is willing to work with him as he needs or wants it. I'm like HOLY CRAP!!! YES!!! Soooo .. jack wagon, dead beat parent, FU ... I got this and NO you aren't going to let my little man down anymore. That's 100% on HIM!!! Yes .. epic parenting moment LOVE and his gift .. has not arrived yet .. I'm changing his name to dickless. Sorry if that is offensive I just needed to spew venom so I didn't put that in an actual email!!! Not going to lie .. I LOVE feeling like a frigging ROCK STAR as that's who my boy is getting his lessons from!! You are dam straight that gift is from ME ALL OF IT! Well he knows my co-workers stepped up as well. He doesn't know about the guitar lesson yet. I'm sooooo excited for him.
ANYWAYS .. I'm still struggling through some things at the moment, trying to come up with a better plan for a few things. I just have to survive January financially and I should be looking much better in February. I do not like being the adult 100% of the time. I get tired of constantly trying to do the right thing, the just thing, the grown up thing. No it's not boring .. it is incredibly painful at times because as one of the posters said .. not having a real childhood I have been an adult since I was 8 and I was not prepared then anymore than I was when I was 18 still not an adult. Adulting is not boring .. it is exhausting at times .. at best I have moments I just feel like a complete failure and want to run away and hide under a rock for the rest of my life .. there are moments I cling to that are these moments of being able to pull a rabbit out of my butt and think holy cow .. you were hiding in an odd spot .. lol. Those are the moments I truly cling to that I can say .. yes .. I enjoy adulating. I would prefer to do as the XAH has done and hide from all of my responsibilities and NOT deal with some of this BS that I am .. alas I do not have the luxury of hiding from my kids. I do get the benefits of being hugged, kissed and appreciated from them.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
