The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One AlAnon member shared this lesson as one of the most important to be learned in the program: The words, thoughts, and actions of others are not in my control, but by my choices I can control my life. Real life application: if I am feeling like I am being walked on by others, I can make the choice to get off the floor.
This may seem a bit abrupt, yet if we examine undesirable situations or treatment, we often can trace them back to a choice we made, sometimes repeatedly, that allowed it. Our mind may scream 'Victim!', yet our actions may show 'Volunteer'.
AlAnon shows us that we have choices in our thought and/or actions, and in this way we determine whether or not we involve ourselves in unhealthy situations.
Today's Reminder: By empowering myself to take responsibility for my actions, I can act in my own best interest today.
"I would do well to accept the challenge to look to my own recovery before I spent any more of my precious life wishing the alcoholic would change..." - Living With Sobriety
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This page holds a powerful reminder, a much needed refocus for me. I found myself in a negative mindset this week, wanting someone else to change their behavior so that I would not feel fear, frustration, and sadness.
This is a reminder that if I don't like the way I am feeling, I can make a choice to 1) change my thinking, and 2) review my choices that make these circumstances possible.
It may be that because of the nature of my choices, it may take some time to change my physical circumstances and responsibilities. Nothing stops me, however, from changing my thinking, nor from considering what adjustments I can make today that keep my focus on myself and observing healthy boundaries.
I am very grateful for a great reminder and the wisdom of the program
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good morning Paul - thank you for your share, your service and the daily! I keep hoping there will be a time when the holidays are less stressful for me and .... When I am honest, there is significant progress. It's when my old way of thinking tries to creep in that I want for that which is not real or possible for now.
I would love to suggest I've handled my parents, the holidays, the qualifiers, etc. wonderfully and with grace. The reality is I'm doing the best I can and because I've got a cold from he!! that has put me down, I just don't have a whole lot. I love my family and am grateful to have them all. I will continue to hope for the best possible outcomes in spite of what reality may be.
I found a lovely write up a while ago on Acceptance and am quoting a bit of it below. The first 2 paragraphs are from the AA Big Book...This write up sums up how Al-Anon has truly helped me when I am unsettled or uncertain in my life -
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
"Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
For me, a grateful member of Al-Anon, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me.
I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it...
and I have to accept that fact.
Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear change or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.
I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.
I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.
Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.
That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.
Have a great day Paul!! I finally feel quasi-human today - grateful for that...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you so much, IAH; that is very, very helpful...
I have been really working to take the concept of acceptance to a deeper level, as I realized I found another layer of the onion to peel off. I want to truly accept that things are as they should be before I make my choice of what I will change. I realize that I was still hoping, waiting, expecting something to change that may in fact, not.
Today's page is powerful in showing me that I have not taken full responsibility for my choices in this particular area, and that I steered myself back on the railroad tracks several times. I can stay on the tracks and feel the fear of playing chicken with the train, or accept that the train is where it is supposed to be and make the choice to adjust on my side.
This past ten days has proved to be very challenging, not made any easier as I, too, fell ill and feel as poorly as I have in several years. Today is my first day back to half power. Glad to hear you are on the mend, too!
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
I totally agree we all need acceptance. But before that can happen we need awareness. The 3 A's are awareness, acceptance and then action. When you find you are on the floor and everyone is stepping all over you:
"Hmmmm, why are they walking on me? Because I am on the floor. How did I get there? Did I do it? Did I allow it to happen to me? Did I not take care of myself? Did I take someone else's needs as more important than mine? Why?" Victim or volunteer doesn't matter as long as we can be aware we are on the floor and then make a choice to get up off the floor. Then we work to be aware of how it happened. What was it in me that made me be on the floor and miserable.
We Al-Anons are loving, giving people. We take care of others before ourselves. We have to be reminded constantly to take care of ourselves. We have to be reminded constantly that we have a choice NOT to put someone else in front of ourselves. There are a lot of psychological/emotional affects that come with that attitude too. I can act in my own best interest without guilt and without fear of the consequences. I go to meetings to continue to remind myself that I am important, more important to me than my qualifier or qualifiers. I have to accept the challenge for my own recovery. That includes awareness, acceptance and then action.
I totally agree we all need acceptance. But before that can happen we need awareness. The 3 A's are awareness, acceptance and then action.(step work with a sponsor 'grows the awareness .. leading to acceptance .. leading to action .. steps 1 thru 3 awareness .. steps 4 through 7 acceptance .. steps 8 through 12 action .. (working the steps is the next right action) .. my understanding .. when i used to read others just making changes just like that i used to cringe wondering why i couldn't do what 'they were doing .. realised i needed a plan of action (12 steps) with a power greater than Me.. in other words .. not alone .. i really needed the guidance of the sponsor who had 'already worked them and grown 'experience through her learning .. wasn't easy to begin but once i made a decision to 'let go of (my ways will do's what ifs etc .. my ego pride reservations judgments control self Rights etc ..) and Let god do the leading guiding and working in me through 'another .. it began to get a little easier to turn me over .. still somewhere in the middle of the process and growing gratitude as i 'grow spiritually .. simple but not always easy ..
For me, a grateful member of Al-Anon, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. like the above lines too because again I believe this is the 'higher purpose of working the steps .. to learn an discern .. take the next right actions (make the next Right (honest) choice(s)
