The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I'm very new to this and need some guidance. Merry Christmas to all. My be of 7 months willingly went to rehab for alcoholism. He left after only 16 days. I thought he drank the first day back but he asked me not to visit as he was tired. I went over Friday and he seemed off but I found no alcohol anywhere. Saturday he woke up early and kept leaving and by Saturday night he left an empty whine bottle in the garbage. I confronted him and asked him why he did this so soon after and he responded I talked to much. I spent the day cleaning up and making dinner and was quiet. I told him not to use me as an excuse. I only had an inkling he drank because he ran outside barefoot and without jacket after a phone call from his brother. I also found a vodka bottle in his pocket and dumped it. His mom and brother came over to NYC when he was hospitalized and had hallucinations. I thought he drank a lot and asked him about it but he denied drinking excessively. He woke up this morning looking for his bottle and went out possibly looking for a drink. I want to stick it out and help him but I know it's all on him. He was angry and irritable and asked me to leave and even ask for the keys to the apartment. I left but didn't give the keys which infuriated him. He said he wanted to be alone because in rehab he was always around others. He hasn't contacted any therapist or atteneded any meetings. His family lives on the other coast and they met me when he was hospitalized. I read his notes from rehab and he knows he compartmentalizes everyone and keeps them apart. Should I contact his family and let them know what happened or try to contact his therapist from rehab?
I am so sorry that your life is being affected by the drinking of another - I remember that my husband's drinking used to make me feel like I was the crazy one!
The most helpful thing that I did for my husband was to get out of his way and start concentrating on myself and my own well being. I found that attending Alanon meetings helped me to realise what I was doing to myself by trying to 'manage' my husband's mood swings etc. If my husband wanted to drink that was, I came to believe, very much his thing. I did not hide or tip away and drink. I DID expect him to treat me with dignity and good manners - something that he found extremely difficult to do btw!
So it is great to see you recognising that 'it is all on him'. It really truly is up to him to decide what he needs to do. My role was to decide what I could do to make my life better and then take it from there.
I found it all very confusing and reading here, and asking for feedback as you have done, was a huge help.
Welcome Sparkle, glad you found Miracles in Progress
I feel for what you are going through as I recognized many things before I found AlAnon: worry, fear, monitoring, dumping bottles, trying desperately to determine what I could do to keep my qualifier sober.
I hope you are able to try attending a local AlAnon meeting, for it was there that I found some relief and answers to my questions. It was there and through reading in the books AlAnon provides that I learned the Three C's: I didn't Cause the disease, I can't Control it, nor can I Cure it.
I also learned how the same 12 Steps the alcoholic works can benefit me, starting with step 1: I admitted I am powerless over alcohol, and my life had become unmanageable. By trying to monitor and influence my qualifier's sobriety, my state of mind suffered as I was filled with anxiety, frustration and resentment.
The things I learned in the first week of attending meetings and reading brought me more peace than I had in years, and was the beginning of a much better understanding of what I could do that was best for my qualifier's struggle with alcohol and for my own mental health.
So glad you reached out, great to meet you! Hang in there and please do come back
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Welcome to MIP Sparkle - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Please keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Sparkle, I'm so sorry for the stress you are going through, especially during the holidays. I have been there ... discovering bottles, listening to excuses, etc. I also asked myself if I should tell family/friends about his behavior, as I wanted to make sure they didn't provide alcohol for him. I thought about it a lot.
In the end, I'm glad I didn't take that path. The reason is, (1) I came to understand through Al-Anon that we cannot cause, control, or cure someone else's drinking; and (2) if I had started trying to direct his family's behavior, then that would just be me trying to control more people than I was already trying to control .... and it would have just been a ridiculous circus of trying to force solutions.
As to contacting the therapist from the rehab, you might consider asking them what resources are available for you (not for him). They might recommend Al-Anon or some other programs for families of alcoholics.
Best wishes to you, there is hope and you are not alone.
Hi Sparkle,
So sorry you are in this stress during the holidays. I found that when it got bad with my hubby I had to leave, get some space. We have 4 kids together so it was sometimes difficult. Sometimes I couldn't physically leave so I would take the kids out for the day.... anywhere. But finding space away from the stress was important. I am glad you left and found some peace. This disease is progressive. It means it never gets better for any length of time and only will get worse...... unless he decides to get help for himself. You can't do a thing. Really, you can't do a thing. You can take care of yourself though. Keep on reading all the conversations on this web site. Read what you can find on other web sites. Getting Them Sober has some good books too.
Take care of yourself. You are the only one who can!
Aloha Sparkle and welcome to the family...your post reminds me of what it was like when I first arrived at the doors of Al-Anon being married to an alcoholic/addict wife. I realized that I didn't know anything about alcoholism and didn't even know I didn't know. And yet from an investigation of my past I found out I was born and raised in the disease.
I didn't know and didn't know I didn't know so I had to take my hands off of her or else I was doomed to making it worse. If you haven't learned about this disease we suffer from I say from experience get to the program and get to know as much about it as you can because it is most cunning, powerful and baffling. I only made it worse and then it owned me.
My wife eventually got clean and sober and my part in that was to take my hands off and turn her over to HP (the God of my understanding). Keep coming back this works when we work it. ((((hugs))))
