The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
wishing you all happy holidays and happy new year.
this has overall been a very difficult year for me, so i'm not sorry to see it come to a close. been feeling hectic and bedraggled but now all is done and i can relax. grateful for some quiet and calm.
meanwhile, i usually spend christmas with my partner's family. this year his children - 20 and 18 - didn't want to go, and have also rejected (at the last minute) our invitation to our place. his daughter is angry and hurt by her father's absence in her life during her first semester in college. and i don't blame her. his son decided to spend the holiday with his sister, which i totally understand. i saw this coming, just didn't know how it would play out (of course). it has been painful to watch him neglect his kids (they are both in college and don't live with us) during his drinking months, and now attempt contact just to be rejected. however... i know these are necessary consequences, no way around that.
topic at my meeting last night was acceptance. i have been doing my best to accept his daughter's silence and distance, and to accept that despite all the patience i had to have in developing a relationship with her, she is now estranged from her father because of his own actions. and this is not mine to fix.
at the same time, how do you know when you are TOO accepting? i've been through many ups and downs in my relationship at this point due to his drinking and the arrested development of many life skills due to his drinking and other unhealthy patterns in his past. things are better, he is better, working his program, etc. but sometimes i look at the bigger picture and i worry. not only is he broke, he is awful with money. his life skills just kind of suck, to be honest. i understand the reasons, but it is what it is.
i find myself missing the earlier days of our relationship, when he was sober and employed and i didn't know the degree of his internal dysfunction.
one day at a time. i'll be returning to meetings more regularly.
thanks for "listening"... here's to a healthy, happy, self-caring year for all of us...!
Merry Christmas to you and yours and acceptance for me is not always easy but always rewarding for growth!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
"at the same time, how do you know when you are TOO accepting"
I remember thinking this way until I learned I was supposed to accept myself too, just as I am. Acceptance for how I feel about my present circumstances.
Unfortunately I did not come into this world equipped with an automatic acceptance button. so I've gone through stages of acceptance very similar to the stages of grief... letting go of the old ideas, grieving the loss of my dreams for the relationship.... it's just not going to look the way I thought it would. Feeling sadness... and then going back into denial to run away from the sadness....
acceptance can be a wobbly transitioning. But Al-anon also gives me permission to accept the wobbly way I go through change.
Easy does it (((my friend))) the clarity will come
I am also so very grateful that I have the gifts of meetings to go to and just relax and listen for the keys to the miracles in our program. "This too will pass"..."Let go and Let God". Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year...that's the best kind. ((((hugs))))
I really like "more will be revealed." I'm changing, and so is my perspective on what I find acceptable. I'm learning to put the focus on myself and my habits instead of gnawing on, in my case, the low retirement account funds, plans for closing out the business and what happens if he dies before he has a chance to do that, his health problems -- see how I can whip out a list just like that?? None of this is within my power to change. More will be revealed. I don't need to send myself in circles about it. I can take care of myself by ensuring my own financial situation to the best of my ability and living one day at a time. Going to meetings, working the program, focusing on what I can influence. My thoughts and plans for him may not be the best (only I think my ideas are best -- what an ego, eh?). I have to remember HP has a plan for him also, and my part is to stay out of the way. More will be revealed. I can collect info and take action, or not, when I feel led to do so. I can look at him and his perceived deficiencies and think about how far he has to go. Or, I can look at myself, think about my actual deficiencies, look how far I've come and set my sights on continued progress for me.
