The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Family togetherness, sending letters to old friends, and visiting with my friends during the holiday season are things I enjoy. I look forward to each of my three adult (all unmarried)children coming home (my 2 sons live 1 and 9 hours away, my daughter 2 hours away). I enjoy cooking lots of food, wrapping presents for them and making the house look festive
As my AD has sunk deeper into her alcoholism and prescription drug abuse, her emotional stability has suffered. In addition, she has been "not showing up" for family holiday get togethers (even though days or weeks before, she will talk about her plan to come).
A few years back she would wait until the time she was supposed to be here, and say she wasn't coming at the last minute. Now, the pattern is that she will start calling and texting many many times a day, and starts getting more anxious as each day goes by. She is obsessed with the fact that she is getting old (she's 36), that her ex-husband might die and what would happen to the cats? Her ex physically battered her and I have no interest in hearing anything about him (I don't know why she maintains contact with him and then complains about what awful things he does). When I say I need to go, she wants me to call her back or calls/texts me back repeatedly. Her side of our conversation focuses on all the worries she has, on negative things that have happened in her life, (I have no success trying to move the conversation to "more pleasant" topics).
Today, finally, I left her with the Serenity Prayer, told her I was tired and was going to soak in a hot tub (which I did) and texted ttyl. My husband and I ate, watched a program (she called but I didn't answer, and turned phones to silent).
I got ready for bed and as I was plugging my phone in to charge, I saw she sent a long rambljng text about my never answering the phone anymore and that I should care about the people she was telling me about etc etc and that she was not coming home for Christmas.
It finally dawned on me, is not showing up an attempt to manipulate? (does she want to make me worry about her?) Or is her anxiety/depression just part of the whole alcoholism/Rx sbuse?
Based upon what you have shared .. she's literally doing what addicts do in the grips of their disease. I am so sorry that she's in such pain and until she hits that bottom of the pain outweighing what she gets out of it .. nothing changes when nothing changes.
What a strong program you are working by detaching with love and allowing her to do her while you do you. In the midst of dysfunctional relationships I think that is the best gift to give to someone .. just letting them figure things out.
Would I say it's manipulation .. probably .. I also believe it's her disease screaming one direction and what's left of her sanity screaming the other way. She can't make up her mind which side of the fence to land on.
Hugs and happy holidays, S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
God love her. She seems to be in such misery and misery enjoys company but the same miserable company. You may be too positive for her and this is a good thing. Your setting an example of healthy behaviour. That's all us parents can do is set that example and maybe one day she will know what to do when her ex calls with his drama and misery. She's right where she's supposed to be and until she's sick of being sick she's stuck on the miserable merry go round.
All I know in my small piece of the world is my boys are about immediate gratification.....I can't decide how much is relative to their stage/age and how much has to do with the disease and have decided that trying to figure that out or even remotely try to understand their motivation just sends me on a wild goose chase...it just is a way for me to overthink, over-analyze and at the end of the day, question me and my choices/boundaries.
This disease and the affects it has are far-reaching and never-ending. My best course of action has been and remains just keeping my focus on me and asking God to lead them on their journey. I do understand - I told both of my boys when my parents were going to be in town. My 2nd born has been avoiding me and that typically means he's off on a path that's pretty far from reality. I would love for them to see him and vice-versa, yet know that any intervention by me typically causes me more pain, anxiety, etc. I'm standing down and it's been OK.
My mother is slipping enough that she doesn't remember most of the crap my boys have put us through. That's a strange but welcome gift at times. At other times, it's difficult as I have to provide updates. My father does remember everything and just gives me the 'eye'....ha!
I'm sorry she's lost in her disease. I'm sending prayers for you all - it's such a hard path to be on yet we all have each other. You (and I) are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Well, AD sent some odd texts during the night (at that point was talking about coming again) then at 9 am said she had such a terrible headache and needed to rest. So I called to say our Christmas meal was going to be around 1 pm and it looked like she wasn't going to make it, that it was going to be a lovely day and we'd miss her. She never called or texted any of us during the day.
The rest of us had a wonderful day together (despite the fact, as her brother put it, that she has decided "not to participate").
