The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I have about 13 years on the road with Al Anon - a few years ago, after almost ten years of being a master enabler, I found the strength to detach with love from my 30 year old son - alcohol and drug and depression problems - doing that was one of the hardest, most painful things I ever had to do - but I did it, and as of tonight, I haven't fallen back into my old, bad ways - over time, my anxiety level about his problems decreased, and I had more of me to give to the other people in my life that loved me - a very understanding girlfriend, other relatively normal kids, grandkids, leisure stuff, etc.
I still felt a lot of regrets (I still do) about not detaching sooner, and I made a heartfelt, tearful, face-to-face amends to my son for not giving him the dignity to make his own choices and live his own life - it was something that I felt that I had to do, but I'm not sure that it meant much to him (I'm pretty sure that he was still drinking and using) - so, I said my piece and I flew home (I'm in Texas and he's in Florida) - since then I've heard from him sporadically, and from what I can tell he's still having issues with jobs, women, money, depression, etc.
What I've noticed is that, for me, there seems to be an almost direct correlation between how much I hear from him and my anziety level - when I dont hear from him (and don't know how he is), the anxiety is usually pretty low, but as time goes on and I don't hear anything from him, my brain starts making up stories and my anxiety increases. While I no longer agonize constantly about him, the anxiety isn't my biggest problem any more - BUT, the pain in my heart and soul is almost constant, knowing that he's in so much pain - I can't buy the "pain is a choice" talk track, because I certainly haven't choose to feel this pain - and I wouldn't inflict it on my worst enemy.
Last time I heard from him, last week, he'd lost his job, lost the place where he lived, and lost the girlfriend - no explanations about how \ why any of it happened, not that it'd matter even if it was the truth.
Then, earlier this week, he called with news that his car had been towed away - I know that the car was paid for (don't ask me how I know), and there was no explanation offerred about why it was towed.
He mentioned that he might come to Texas to live with his mother for a few months, work here, and save some money - I don't wanna get back into being his enabler, but part of me says that getting him a ROUND TRIP plane ticket can't hurt - then, another part of me says that he didn't ask for a ticket, and that that me buying him a ticket might be the first step down a road that I don't wanna walk back down, again.
But, the Father in me sees him in a very deep hole that he probably can't dig himself out of - and with his untreated depression working overtime on him, I just don't wanna get the "We found your son dead" call from the police.
Is a round trip plane ticket that big of a mistake? Thanks in advance for your ESH !!!
Your worried feelings are those of a typical loving parent. Parents worry and hurt for there kids the most, perhaps especially around this time of year. I am very careful that I do not walk down the path that I was on when my son was drunk and using. I remember so well that sick feeling I had when I knew he was in danger of hurting himself or driving and hurting someone else. I was so sick with fear that in order to get well I had to accept that his death could be a reality. I mourned for several months. Making a decision to help your son is not easy, it must be one that you are able to live with. Some people believe in prayer, not all but that is what helped me the most. You are not alone here on this board, I hope you return for the wisdom of the many people who have been where you are. My heart felt peace and success in the decisions you make..... Linsc
Oh dear! It is so hard to know when one should help and when one is just enabling.
One thing that sprang out to me was when you said that you could buy him a round trip ticket. Just because he has a return ticket does not mean he will use it to go back.
Another thing was have you asked his mother if she wants him back to live with her. I don't know your circumstances or hers either but she may be better not living close to her addict son. She may need distance to remain detached.
We have not heard from our son now for nine months. We also have that constant pain in our hearts and souls so I know well what you are going through. And this season is the hardest to live through because every tv show stresses family ties. Can't advise you in any way but I do know that we are standing firm through the pain because honestly we were all suffering hugely when our son was home.
It helps me to look at the issue of Am I doing for someone what they can do for themselves and if the answer is yes I need to allow God to do God's business (the God of my understanding) if the answer is no then I probe a little deeper. If I do this am I doing it for the right reasons those being I am not expecting anything in return. My experience with my mom doing anything for me is there was always a price attached and that price became way to steep for me to pay emotionally. I was the one who started saying no thank you.
Deacon has some great points about his mom and is she expecting him or are you just dumping him down the road .. I don't mean that in a mean way however as a mother if my X did that to me I would have to strangle him on the spot. Maybe having a conversation with her about how she feels and what she wants. HA HA .. Texas is a big state down the road could be a couple of hours away!! ;)
The 3 P's really come to mind for me in these kinds of situations. Pause, Pray and Proceed .. for me acting without the guidance of my higher power gets me into a mess from time to time. I really have to turn things over to Him and just let things unfold. I just can't imagine with a child as it's so different than with a spouse .. I could just divorce my spouse it's not so simple with a child. That dreaded knock at the door or phone call those are really tough things to come to terms with, I do understand where you are coming from.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Dear Tex, My heart goes out to you since I've been there. I feel your concern very deeply. Nobody else can tell or suggest what you should do so I would just say pray pray pray and when you say the serenity prayer for yourself, say it again for your son. Well it seemed to work for me :)
I would also suggest that you remember our slogan "progress not perfection". How do we ever know that we are doing the Right Thing? Taking this situation deep into your heart , giving it to God, and feeling an answer is one way to go.
Regardless of what you decide, may you be at peace. I think the important thing is that son knows you care about him.
These are just my thoughts and I hope some of it helps you.
Aloha Joe some what a duplicate share from one of our male members in our face to face group last night which keyed memories galore in me regarding my relationship with my eldest alcoholic/addict son. My son and I have the same father...who is the power greater than ourselves and I speak like that when he come over to "talk story" with me usually about the problems of drugs and alcohol in his/my family and life. My creator father has done wonders in my life and my son has seen it and commented on it. On the other hand he continues to be disturbed by the disease on our family and his without using the courage and work to change it. He is so dysfunctional as I know that to be from my own experiences and then we still have constant access to HP and the experience and ability to change it.
At last nights meeting the brother spoke as a helpless victim even after being in program for over 30 years. He knew he had problems...mind, body, spirit and emotions and was S T U C K!!. I feel empathy for him now because there are solutions in the program from the meetings, the literature, the practice of principles and greatly from a close relationship with a HP of our own understanding.
You are attending to your recovery and so for me you are on the right track It seems to me that you are open and willing to accept the consequences of your choices and are able to do that without diminishing yourself. That is what I learned in program...make the choice and turn the outcome over to HP. We are about progress and not perfection and that is about grace for me. I'm still getting grace and I like it a lot.
Don't do it. It's enabling. It takes his dignity. Tell him you know he will work it out. Because he will. Buying him a ticket is all about you. Helping is all about you. Soothing your fears, maybe some left over guilt, your uncomfortable feelings. Helping is harmful to alcoholics like nothing else on earth. Listen to aa members most of them only.got recovery having lost everything and were miserable enough long enough. This is your chance. He's in a crucial point.
I pray you have the courage, I pray I do when it comes my way too which it will and when it did the last time guess what I did? Enabled. Did it help the disease continue? Of course. I need to do it differently next time. I need the courage. Please share your journey here. It's my journey too.
hello tex.........i had a son similar to your situation. drugs, alcohol, mental health issues, and legal problems. in quite a few treatment programs over time too. i know what you are going thru. do i or dont i? he passed away july 16th this year. i did everything and then some over the years to try to help him including the "tough love" approach. nothing i did or didnt do could have changed the outcome. you mentioned fear of getting that dreaded police visit. i had that worry for years before he died. i knew he wasnt going to make it down deep and the best i could tried to accept his death before it occurred. you never can really be prepared for it tho. i have no regrets now the things i did to help him.......order him a pizza when he called and hadnt eaten for days, let him come home on and off when he was homeless......which he was most of the time......altho in the long run that never worked out how he was. i thought i knew what step one ment......"i am powerless"......until he passed. then i realized what it really ment.....how powerless we really are over the destiny of another. we feel responsible as we are there parent. at times we feel guilty did i contribute to all this somehow?.....lots of different feelings over time. i had no power over anything he did or didnt do. i felt all his pain over time and still do in some ways. no easy answers. takes time to work thru it all. i pondered something someone asked me.....what happens when you are not here anymore? there's no mommy or daddy to call or assist? i realized that sooner or later he would be totally on his own and he would either sink or swim. it didnt turn out that way. detatching with love is another alanon concept to consider. which emphases loving approach and kindness. hope something i said here is helpful...........................debbi
Good morning, friends. Thanks for all of the heartfelt ESH - as I read through your posts, I was absolutely blown away by the strength and courage you described - reading your stories, I was so sad that you (snd your child) had to suffer and are still suffering so much - you guys truly know what it's like - of course, with all of the Al Anon meetings I go to and the program friends I've made over the years, I knew that while it was my journey alone, that I am not alone on this road - I'm sitting here by myself in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, but it's almost like you guys are sitting here with me - I hope to understand someday how knowing that I'm not alone in this somehow makes it easier - knowing what you guys have gone through and are going through, and knowing how you, too, struggled and felt the pain I'm feeling now, somehow helps me, a lot - even though you're not giving me directions or telling me what to do of solving the problems for me - I know and accept that, unfortunately, those are steps that we all have to take ourselves.
On the stuff with my son's mother - part of my problem here is that I knew that I'd likely have to talk with her at some point if I did something like buy my son a plane ticket - and every time for the past 25 years that I've had anything to do with her I've come out of it holding the dirty end of the stick - truly, she's a manipulitive, scheming, bitch who has broken so many pieces of the relationship my son and I tried to have, and in doing so, stuck it to me, too. But yeah, I wouldn't have just put my son on her doorstep - now that I think of it, that wouldn't be fair to him, either.
And, I have to remind myself, CONSTANTLY, that while I often think of my son with a father's concern and love, I have to look at him and his situation realistically - as some of you have poiinted out, I wouldn't really be helping him at all by "helping" him.
SO, for today, I'm spending some time here - I'll be praying, CONSTANTLY, like Step 11 suggests - and then I'm going to a noon meeting - I think that what I'll do later today is call him - as in the past, I likely won't get him on the phone, and he may or may not call me back - IF he answers, I'll once again remind him that I love him very much, that I'm sad for both of us that he's in such a tough spot, but I'll remind him that he's demonstrated that he's a survivor, and that he has options - maybe remind him that the options may take him down a different path than he's been on, but he can make changes in his life. LOL, I may even remind him of the decision he made 13 years ago while sitting in a snowbank outside of the rehab he went to near Kalispell, Montana - he had a choice to leave rehab or continue - he chose to continue, and he completed their program - unfortunately, he didn't follow through with sober living or anything after rehab, but the lessons he learned tin rehab are still a part of him - maybe he'll think about what he learned about himself during that time.
The adventure continues . . . thanks!
-- Edited by texas yankee on Friday 23rd of December 2016 10:14:55 AM
(((Texas Yankee)) I agree talking things over and reasoning things out with people who truly understand helps. I m glad your are here and are able to keep an open mind.
Positive thoughts and prayers for you and your son on the way
Hey TY - I too can relate to your post. I too have offspring that I love dearly who are affected by this disease. I am a huge believer in pausing often and always. What I have observed with mine is they tend to call me when their backside is on fire. If I am able to be of service without enabling, I do so and that helps to reinforce my boundaries. My favorite processing for them is ... what are my motives, who's will is leading and are my efforts more than theirs for their safety, health, well-being, etc. I love my sons unconditionally. I try to separate the disease from the person. I no longer offer help or make suggestions but I am willing to help if there is some logic involved in their processing.
For our journey, beyond a ride here/there or a meal here/there, they've matured greatly. They are working and paying their bills. When they loose a job, they find another. The one area where I am more tuned in is if they ask for recovery/mental health assistance. I have always suggested I will drive them to any rehab any place in the country if they want treatment. I will only provide a trip on the backside IF they complete treatment.
You are doing great - sending you prayers and positive thoughts!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I so appreciate your post... and especially you leaning on step 11 at this time, seeking God's Will in all things.... which gives this "problem" a perfect purpose, your son the instrument.
at the same time things like this can become temptation for me... pulling me deeper into fear and worry and away from God. that is how I experience "turmoil," and standing at the turning point.
I believe I'm always on the right track when seeking God consciousness, anchoring myself in God... meditating first, sitting quietly, contacting and FEELING God's presence first.... (spiritual awareness.) And then proceeding to ask God for His help and guidance, persevering until I "feel" an obvious answer.... maybe I am meant to "do" nothing other than offer up my soul prayers.
Leaving outcomes. Practicing trust.
I believe "my" kids are actually God's kids, and so my "help" for them today is to never enable a deeper "divide" between them and God... the great sin of enabling, in my humble opinion. In support of their relationship with God, I have my clarity about saying No to certain things, and offering instead what I can do for them. It seems your son knows this too.
I, too, will be sending up prayers for your son and ((you)) thank you for bringing it here
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 23rd of December 2016 01:05:29 PM
TY, thank you for bringing your journey here, please let's us know how it goes., as we also learn from one another's experiences.......Best wishes to you and your family. Linsc
I'm going through the same thing as you and I know how you feel. I truly believed after prison my son would change but it didn't happen. Everyday I work on me and what I need to do to keep me safe and sane and letting go no matter what happens is the best way to go.
I haven't heard from my son and I would least thought I would today as it's my Birthday but not note, call or anything. It's tells me he is living his life the way HE wants...not my choice...but I will except it.
I won't see him for Christmas...I won't see him on New Years Eve so I will pray for him and give myself a happy and peaceful day with friends. That's all I can do.
God grant me the serenity to except the things I can not change......
(((HUGS )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Happy Birthday, cathyinaz - so sorry that your son didn't call ya today - been there, done that, and it never gets easy to handle - it "shouldn't" work that way, but we know about "shouldn't", don't we? And when you said "I truly believed after prison my son would change but it didn't happen", I was thinking of the depths that some of these folks have to go to for them to see the light - and even then, in what we feel are unbelievable circumstances, in situations like prison, they still don't get it - so sad - such a waste.
I'm glad that ya have friends close by - my two older kids and the grandkids are coming over tomorrow - sure, it'll be fun, and I'll laugh and smile, but with one of my kids missing, I'll have to be careful to not let his his absence and his situation get me thinking down the wrong path.
I went to a real good meeting at noon today - it's a real strong group with a lot of ESH - it gave me a nice bounce for the rest of the day. I tried to call my son on the way home, to tell him that I loved him, that I was sad for both of us that he's in a tough spot, that he's overcome a lot and that he will get through this situation, too, and that he knows he has options - but I got his voicemail and had to just leave him a message - who knows if he'll even listen to it - I was kinda scared that he called me two days ago to wish me a merry christmas - I'm wondering, why not call on christmas day - but I can't even start to think about that stuff or I'm off into a dark place.
I was talking with some of the folks after the meeting, like me, with kid issues, and passed something along to them that I try and remember when I'm tempted to jump in and fix, enable, make right, or help - whatever ya wanna call it. Inside my hula hoop, I believe that God loves us all, very much, and that He's sad when we do something that's not good for us - but, because we have free will, He seems unwilling to step in and force us to do the right thing - I assume that He is all powerful, but with the free will thing, He has chosen to not make things right for us when we do the wrong thing - He's also chosen to not interrupt the laws of nature when the "sometimes bad shit happens" principle comes into play - like when a drunk driver kills an innocent family. Anyway, what I try and remind myself of when I'm tempted to intercede in my son's life, is that if God has decided to not interced and run my life for me, or anyone else's life for them, what makes me think that I have the right or the ability to run anyone else's life for them ??? LOL, I'm certainly not God.
Hope ya'll have a peaceful evening - thanks again for being there for me and letting me ramble - somehow, it helps.
-- Edited by texas yankee on Friday 23rd of December 2016 08:33:17 PM
