The material presented
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Hi, I am new to the group but have been attending local Al-anon meetings for several months. The meetings help a lot and I want to work the steps but my boyfriend has been in AA for twenty years and when I try to be open, what I say inevitably gets back to him.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years. With some hesitation he and his daughter finally agreed to move in with me four months ago. With in just a few weeks of moving in he began drinking.
His demeanor has completely changed with his drinking. He use to be snarky and pessimistic with his humor but it has deteriorated to flat, constant, and at times very pointed and personal negativity. He has become extremely abrasive. We traveled the world together and dated for years and hardly ever argued. Now it feels like everything turns into an arguement or a jab. He is hours late for work on a weekly basis, relies on me to get his daughter to and from school/fed/taken care of with the exception of when he is (what feels like) trying to spite me and purposefully excludes me from activities he does with her. He wakes up hung over and irritable, comes home sober and irritable, becomes drunk and irritable on a daily basis now since August. I previously divorced an actively drinking alcoholic so my boyfriend knows that this type of behavior has been and is a deal breaker for me. I've tried bringing this up and discussing my concerns, my feelings, and the impact this decision to drink again has had on me.
In an effort to not try to make it about getting sober or trying to control his sobriety I have also mentioned the noted change in his behavior and how it hurts me and concerns me. I've also tried making it about me and how I feel so it doesn't feel like I'm directly attacking him. His response is that I am a self loathing miserable person and that I should stop blaming him for my problems. I have suggested couples therapy and he told me I should go because I was the one that was unhappy. I've talked to him in the brief moments he is sober and he says he doesn't want to keep drinking but his actions don't reflect that.
No approach has worked, so I have turned to the steps (STEP ONE-I AM POWERLESS), and to trying to disengage and be happy regardless. He gets upset and personal with me when I disengage and starts to berate me for "running away" or "pouting" even though I try to be very aware of my energy I put out while taking a step back. I can see some of his jab at me being miserable, because I am. I resent him so much for throwing away his sobriety and expecting me to be okay with that. I know expectations are resentments on layaway, but I felt like our relationship was built on an understanding of his sobriety being of the upmost importance to both of us. I also realize being resentful is me putting on my victim hat and that I need to let go of the expectations that are blocking me or if I can't do that I need to let go of this relationship. In the meantime I have tried to at least put on a happy face, show up for my life, and not bite when he dangles something in front of me.
I love him so very very much but I know this isn't something I want in my life or I'm willing to support. I have a lot of shame in leaving because I want to believe that I can sit this out and work through this and show up for him, better or worse. I also have a lot of shame in the fact that I pushed him for years to commit to a life together and now, just months after moving he and his daughter in, I want to ask him to leave.
In addition to my shame over this, I have a lot of fear of how I will handle the mean things and the horrible feelings that will come from me kicking him out. I know there will be a lot of anger and blame and shaming from him and the anticipation alone of all of this makes me sick and very very sad.
I also know that as much as this has hurt me, disgusted me, and disappointed me, that I love him very very much and he has been my best friend and partner for years. I'm having a hard time making peace with letting go of that person even though the decisions he has made have had a huge impact on that.
Am I being too hasty? Am I blaming him for too much? Is there something I can do to see my part in this any take accountability that might help? (Lol that literally reads "how can I fix him/this" thinly veiled in different words)
I'm in the middle of my own ridiculous crisis with an addict/alcoholic, but for what it's worth, I'll respond to your post.
In my opinion-
First of all don't assume that they are actually saying things that make sense when they are attacking, berating, criticizing you. Whatever horrible thing he says about you, may not be true at all. It's possible that the opposite is what's true. Please don't feel shame for all those things you mentioned. I feel a lot of sympathy for you. You sound very reasonable to me and are in a bad situation. Of course we should reflect on our part in the madness, but no reason to blame ourselves. We don't need to blame them either, if we can see it as a disease that they are powerless within and lower our expectations of them accordingly.
If you want to ask him to leave, that is one valid choice that you could make, and you should take the amount of time that you are comfortable with to make your decision, however long or short that is. Be true to you.
It does not sound right to me that things you say in alanon meetings get back to your boyfriend. We are supposed to respect each other's personal info in alanon and not gossip or share another's private sharing outside of the meetings. But I think that the support you could get from face-to-face meetings would be a helpful resource in a difficult time. Maybe you could find a meeting a bit farther away to attend where the people don't know your boyfriend.
Welcome Voodoo I am so sorry that this is unfolding as it is and I m glad that you have found alanon and are attending meetings. Neroli is correct what is said at an alanon meeting should reman there. I suggest that you find a trusted member and ask her to be your sponsor . You can then share with her about your BF and feel safe. In your meetings you can share how you feel on any particular day or what tools work for you .
Breaking the isolation is extremely important to your recovery so if you are not comfortable at face to face meetings try our on line ones here They are held 2xs a day in the chat room.
As you know alcoholism is a chronic , progressive fatal disese over which we are powerless. Attending meetings and focusing on ourselves helps us develop new tools to live by and restores our battered self esteem. You are not alone. Keep coming back
I feel for you and the questions you are struggling with in your situation...I am sure you will find the answer as you reflect on how AlAnon principles can be applied. As you know from your meetings, AlAnon discourages us from offering specific advice to others as we cannot know what is best according to their circumstances and recovery orientation.
What is said there should stay there, I do agree with Betty's thought of not letting others take away from the importance of meeting attendance, but perhaps work with a trusted sponsor when addressing specific, personal challenges.
Have you been able to get any of the AlAnon books for your questions? Any of the daily readers? I'm thinking of one of several pages that touched on this topic, the Dec 18 page of One Day at a Time in AlAnon. It noted that everyone benefits when we focus on our experience, strength and hope when sharing at the meeting, and dig into our personal questions with the help of a sponsor where there is time and privacy to examine more options.
I have found reading daily from the AlAnon publications has helped immensely with this issue along with every other dilemma and challenge that dealt with alcohol and a loved one. Whether it's a broader based book like How AlAnon Works, Paths to Recovery or one of the daily readers that deals briefly with one topic at a time, I hope you have the opportunity to dig into those, if you haven't already...some great guidance in the pages of AlAnon!
So glad you found us, hang in there and keep coming back
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Welcome to MIP Voodoo - glad you found us and glad that you posted here. As you are learning and possibly already know, alcoholism is a progressive disease that's never cured. It can be treated through a recovery program but the disease itself lies in wait to raise up. There is nothing you did or have done to cause the current situations, nothing you can do to control the situation and nothing you can do to cure the situation. However, committing to Al-Anon and working the program as best you can one day at a time will help you understand you do have control over you, your actions, choices, reactions, responses, etc. The program will also help you recover from the effects the disease has on you - it's considered a family disease and most all are affected.
In my experience, no matter how much I cared and loved my qualifier, trying to have rational or reasonable conversations with them when the disease was active was pointless, painful and a waste of energy. The element of denial exists always with this disease and it seems to magnify immensely when the disease is in control. My sanity and serenity improved just by working with a sponsor and learning healthy ways to detach from the daily chaos/moods.
I would also be uncomfortable if my shares were leaving the Al-Anon meeting. That is not how it's supposed to work, and seriously goes against our traditions and principles. Perhaps you can try a different meeting locally and/or find a few trusted folks to discuss the more private parts of your story. I will suggest that you not allow the disease in others to deter you from seeking your own recovery...the program has saved my sanity in so many ways - and all elements (meetings, literature, sponsor, steps, etc.) were necessary for my recovery.
There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Voodoo and welcome to the family. You post disturbs me as a double member in recovery. I also attend AA and am Alcoholic. I've been in double programming for over 37 years so I have some experience. Additionally I am a former therapist who worked in multi-level rehabilitation. I am college educated on the disease of addiction and alcoholism and just a little bit of that gave me the knee jerk here.
Regardless on how long your boyfriend has gone to AA meetings he isn't close to sober and maybe what he has recently gone thru is a relapse which also is a part of the disease. Relapse is a "catch-up" event in alcoholism which means the drinking events will attempt to "catch up" on all of the drinking he missed while trying to stay alcohol free. It is a dangerous condition because the body will often overload with alcohol trying to find balance. Often times it will kill the alcoholic. If he has lots of information from the AA program and then spited the program and continued to drink he is drinking under the influence of or in spite of what he knows about the disease and why he needs to arrest it...the alcohol owns him and your relationship also. His biggest desire and focus is to drink now and come back up to the level he use to be unless he is brought down to his knees again and finds a higher power greater than himself and you.
If he is drinking and in close proximity to your program and doesn't have respect for your practice that is a danger point because your program indicates that he has a problem and his ego and pride will not stand for it. I went thru this with my own alcoholic/addict wife and moved out and away from her and all other active drinkers and users in my life so that I could find my own peace of mind in recovery.
I suggest you find a sponsor for your self and continue to come here as often as you can. God Bless (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all for responding. I needed to hear all of that and to be reminded that this is ultimately my decision. I need to get better at trusting that I will do the right thing at the right time. In this moment though, I want so badly to not feel this way and am trying very hard to find a way out.
I also need to have a little more compassion for us both. He also is trying to escape the way he feels at some level too. I need to remind myself that he is sick and, while it may not have manifested itself like this before, it has always and will always be there.
I work full time and am finishing up grad school so hitting meetings gets tricky. I have a Monday night that I love, but haven't found many in my area during my availability that aren't permiated with his friends or his daughter's mom/friends who are all in the AA family. I want to be able to open up and share without being recognized or my story turning into gossip as it has before. I hadn't really thought of having a sponser to help with that-but having one might also be a great solution to working my program even when my meeting opportunities are limited.
I have a few of the books and daily readers but my boyfriend gets upset when he sees me reading them. I keep a few in my laptop bag and try to take a moment in my parking garage before work to read and clear my mind.
Not meaning to seize upon only one point of your postings but, this-
"I have a few of the books and daily readers but my boyfriend gets upset when he sees me reading them. I keep a few in my laptop bag and try to take a moment in my parking garage before work to read and clear my mind".
I'm going to go ahead and guess that he engages in behaviours that upset you, in your home and whenever he feels the need/desire, and not in the parking garage before work where he knows it won't upset you.
My ex-A partner moved into my home years ago (although not with a child) and did a complete 180 as well and it was so very confusing because I had invited him to live with me, assured him that it would "all be fine" etc and then he moved in and his behaviour got worse and worse and I felt guilty? And i think the conversation that first started me on my recovery journey was with a friend who asked me, honestly, 'would he do any of this for you if the circumstances were reversed?".
I think that things become simpler when you let go of trying to interpret or re-interpret past agreements and understandings and focus only on what is acceptable for you right now...what are your boundaries? What can/will you accept in your own home? When you can gain clarity about that then it is easier to verbalise and enforce it. Whether he drinks/doesn't drink isn't up to you but what you will accept in your home is absolutely your call. When I learned to put myself on the top shelf and make my needs primary in my life, all of my relationships became easier. I hope that will be your experience too.
-- Edited by MissM on Friday 23rd of December 2016 12:12:40 PM
I agree with MissM's take on the condition and it urged me to think that when I arrived at recovery I found I was filled with millions of ill preconceived ideas that homed in my ego and pride. Learning that was a huge movement toward sanity cause I could now understand much of what I needed to change....ME!! The fellowship taught me to think "the only problem is me and the only solution God"...Rocket science and I made my appointments to get to know God. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 23rd of December 2016 12:28:25 PM
MissM, what you said really resonates with me. I own my home and I have worked really hard to be at this point in my life and was very proud of myself when I was stable and capable of purchasing a home. I invited him into this space I worked hard to create and now no longer feel safe. I feel really ungrounded in losing this sanctuary.
